NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES IN MY COMPANY SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctors certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work! MATERNITY LEAVE Frequent pregnancy is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval youll then be allowed to get pregnant. This will only be allowed once in 10-yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to his wifes pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker). SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be perceived as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement. TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with A will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with B will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because thats all the time needed to drink a Slim-fast and take a diet pill. DRESS CODE It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day HR PS - please consider the time spent reading this email as charged to your ANNUAL LEAVE!
Posted on: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 18:06:28 +0000
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