Never Lose Hope in Finding Your Spouse It is very common for me to receive messages from some distressed individuals who will say to me that they are approaching the age of 30 and have been trying to find a spouse for many years and they have reached a point, where they say, we have no patience left and they lose hope to the point where they even contemplate on marrying a non believer or a non practising man. How sad! What an absolute disaster they bring upon themselves and their relationship with Allah Subhnahu Wa Taala. We learn from the guidance of the Allah Subhnahu Wa Taala to seek the strongest and most effective means available, while placing ones trust in Allah. We are told to exercise patience and have Sabr and dont become arrogant or ignorant. We should follow these set of instructions and not be too ignorant of them, Sayyiduna Umar (May Allah be pleased with him) said, I heard the Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings be upon him) say, “If you relied on Allah as He should be relied on, He would provide for you as He provides for birds. They go out hungry in the early morning, and return full in the evening. [Tirmidhi] The scholars note that birds do not merely place their trust in Allah: they go out early, and take all means to fulfill their goal. They strive and they struggle to succeed and they return with their provisions. We as human beings cannot always expect things to happen at the spur of the moment or when we desire it or after we wish it or want it! It does not happen that way. Its true sometimes you look at your friends and see that they are all finding their spouses or have got married and they have moved faster than you have, but in the end, that was their destiny and their fate. We all have a different path to take and we have to accept this! No one can follow the same path as someone else. We dont know how long they may have gone through searching or what they issues were or whether they also experienced a long search to find their spouse? Their problems and worries. Sometimes some of our friends will conduct forbidden relationships in secret and they go so far that they have to persuade their parents to marry them. They may even boast to you that they are marrying their loved ones..yet they may be doing so in a forbidden manner and thereby gaining no blessings or reward from Allah in doing so. These are termed love marriages.. There is nothing wrong with this, so long as the couple dont engage in any secret relationships or liaisons and they inform their respective parents or guardians and are married quickly without delay. Sometimes people are fortunate to find suitable partners by arranged marriage in their family network and thats why they are able to get married sooner. Usually they accept what their parents match for them. Others are not so fortunate. There are many brothers and sisters who can be very fussy and choosey and will not accept even the slightest flaw in someone.. e.g. she has a big nose! Or he is too short in height! She is dark skinned.. He has a big beard.. I have seen and heard all these excuses ! And you know, these people who make such excuses they are usually the ones who find themselves sitting on the shelf, being rejected or themselves rejecting good proposals and in the end they are stuck waiting for that perfect hero or heroine to come along.. But they never do! They live in a dream world. So, lets go back to basics. The first point of search is always through ones own family network, to be open minded and not to be demanding or unfair towards each others criteria. Let the parents conduct a survey and try to pinpoint any good candidates for you. There is no harm in asking the parents to allow you to see proposals, to meet them and talk with them but do so, in the company of grown ups. We have to be practical and flexible about these things. Then again, if it does not work through ones family, eg because everyone is either too young or too old or married, or the cultures are different, then try going through other elders in the community (such as ones friends parents, community leaders, imams of masjids, marriage services, professional matchmakers like myself, etc.) Meeting outsiders, can be tricky because there has to be an element of trust and understanding when you meet a family from outside ones circle. Ideally it is always good to have recommendations or have someone say good things about them. Usually a good match maker will do their homework about the family and seek good references from people who are willing to give them. This way there is less risk of any fraud, or lies being spoken and a strong element of trust between all parties. Ideally a good match maker should be someone who has patience, understanding, good manners and a strong and assertive approach with good reputation and wide network. Alhamdulillah we all have our decreed time and we all have a spouse that Allah finds for us. We just need to be patient and use our common sense and logic when a proposal from one is placed in front of us. We should not just sit around and wait for something to happen out of the blue! It wont! In every community, there are family members or professional match makers who set up marriages, who know suitable would-be spouses, who make introductions and these are the kind of people who should be sought out if one wants to marry. Parents should take the necessary steps to contact them. This is especially the case where some one is a professional and is seeking someone who is also equally a professional and wants someone who is compatible with their own way of life, lifestyle, and expectations. Perform Duaa and prayers : make wudu and perform 2 rakats after which you make heart-felt supplication, asking for a suitable spouse that can benefit you in this life and the next. Become a more engaging practising muslim and have Sabr. Be certain that Allah will answer your duaas, in the best of ways: Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Who provides for you from the sky and the earth, or Who owns hearing and sight; and Who brings forth the living from the dead and bringeth forth the dead from the living; and Who directs the course? They will say: Allah. Then say: Will you not then keep your duty (unto Him) ? [Quran, 10.31] Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala reminds us: And in the heaven is your providence and that which you are promised; And by the Lord of the heavens and the earth, it is the truth, even as (it is true) that you speak. [51.22-23] So keep taking the best of means, with complete trust in Allah and certainty that if you do that which He has asked of you, He will most certainly give you all that is best for you, in this life and the next. Explore all the possibilities and opportunities you can find. Put your trust in some people like match makers who can be very helpful and precise in finding the right people for you. Yes! it will take time, Yes! you may have to compromise, and Yes! There are so many individuals just like you who are seeking people just like you.. Allah Subhanhu Wa Taala tells us: The devil promises you destitution and enjoins on you lewdness. But Allah promises you forgiveness from Himself with bounty. Allah is All-Embracing, All-knowing. [Quran, 2.268] And: And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends one of another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger. As for these, Allah will have mercy on them. Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah promises to the believers, men and women, Gardens underneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide - blessed dwellings in Gardens of Eden. And - greater (far)! - acceptance from Allah. That is the supreme triumph. [Quran, 9.71] And be patient. The Beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) reminded us that: No tiredness, illness, difficulty, sorrow, harm or sadness afflicts a Muslim, even to a thorn pricking him, without Allah wiping away his errors through it. [Recorded by Bukhari and Muslim, from Abu Said and Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with them)] Hope! Thats the way forward. Hold on the the rope of hope and dont let go no matter how hard or difficult it may seem..dont let go! Are you going to let go of the rope if you fall into fast flowing river? Are you going to let go of the rope and you trip, when you are climbing a high mountain? Are you going to let go of the rope if you fall into deep hole? In all these cases, you wont let go .. you will hold on as tight as you can and hope that any moment now, you will be rescued or you can save yourself.. Likewise, its the same feeling.. Hold on and take every opportunity to find someone.. Explore all options ..never give up and dont lose hope ever! Allah is the best Guider and the best of all guidance And Allah alone gives success and knows best.
Posted on: Fri, 17 Oct 2014 12:50:20 +0000
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