OK folks. My turn. I have been given the number 7 by friend and fitness guru Richard Simmons. 1. Most people are unaware that I spent my early years as a nomadic sheperd of chia pets. It all began simple and innocent, as I spent many a fine day tending to my small gaggle of fine chia. As the chia grew, so did their curiosity and thirst for manifest destiny. Needless to say, I boarded up the barn and fled the east coast for the greener pastures that lay ahead. The gaggle travled slow and absorbed all the land had to offer when inclimate weather finally made its appearance. After several hours of rain and nonperfect temperatures my nose began to drip and I was encountering occasional fits of sneezing. My darkest fears had come true. I had developed The Sniffles. With an unbridled passion for my chia, I could not allow this illness to impede the inevitable. I sadly abandoned my beloved chia and allowed them to carry on, as I stayed behind. I still remember my chia fondly and pay homage daily to the mighty pottery that grows. 2. I was still a young lad when my mother gave birth to my baby brother, Charles. The jealousy of my fathers love for Charles was greater than my love. When my baby brother fell ill and soon passed, I believed this all to be my fault. Without hesitation, i ran away from home, seaching for Gods answers. I found the tallest mountain and realized if i climbed to the top, i would be closer to God and he would have to hear me! Young and alone on the mountain. I stumbled upon a very nice gentleman named Jonathan. He assured me of all the love that surrounded me and even made me a small wooden cross which I wore around my neck. As fortunes would have it, my cross necklace fell off while i was getting a drink of water from the creek. God carried the necklace down stream and right into the hands of my father who was searching for me. soon after i was reunited with my pa and it was no longer my fault that my baby brother had died. 3. 1984 Austrian rock singer Falco records Rock Me Amadeus. 4. The morning following a dinner chocked full of Jolly green Giant Corn Niblets, made a lasting impression I will never forget. As I finished my morning bowel movement i noticed something peculiar in my stool, causing me to delay the inevitable flush. As i looked closer, the undigested corn niblets had formed and undeniable image. The image of the Virgin Mary. I quickly removed this Holy Shit from the toilet and a certain eternity in the sewers, and secured it safely in a airtight container. Local newspapers were in awe and I was soon visited by high ranking Vatican officials, who rapidly confiscated my valuable poop. My turd was examined by church officials and was deemed authentic. My Holy Shit has since been placed in a carbon freezing chamber and remains a true fascination to modern man. 5. After several years away from the public eye I found my fullfillment as soft shoe dancer by day and Mississippi River boat Gambler by night. I faced my shares of ups and downs, but struggled onward. In my spare time, I took upon the hobbies of yodeling and playing the 12 string harp. Much to everyones suprise. I was good! Real good! So good, I felt it was my time! My succatash wish! I moved to California and crashed upon the music scene. My harping and yodeling meshed together perfectly, making my talents a double threat in which the music world had never seen. I quickly rose to the top of the charts, filling arenas and theaters worldwide, when i met a young Korean girl named Meigh Poo. Me and Meigh Poo quickly wed and she joined me on my North American tour. I was prepared to perform for a full house in Atlanta Georgia, when i noticed Meigh Poo was taking a particular liking to the opening act. The openeing act was a young triple threat named MC Hammer. Hammer had it all, the sound, the style and the posse. I was doomed. Later that evening Meigh Poo filed for divorce and was able to garnish every last cent of my earnings. I spent years alone after my love deserted me, pennyless and insane trying to play phonograph records with a potato. 6. My love for the teen idol is most likely evident to all, but my uninhibited desire to become a teen idol still churns deep in my soul. I avidly dance in front of my mirror, hair brush microphone and singing repetive verses, daily. Although my young girl cuteness has been replaced by baldness, man boobs and a pot belly, my dream still lives strong. 7. I cant tell if Im a king pin or a pauper.
Posted on: Sat, 16 Nov 2013 19:16:37 +0000
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