On my 31st bday last year, I woke up in my parents basement, in my sisters bed and put on sweatpants from a suitcase that I had been living out of for the past few weeks. I had no job, no direction, bags under my eyes, and the little that I owned was in a storage unit. I felt like a burden to my parents and to my sister, who gave more than they had to me, and I felt ashamed to look anyone in the eyes. I sat on my parents couch for most of my birthday determined to make sense of the crazy change I was going through in life - to take some steps forward - and I very vividly remember having the biggest anxiety attack Ive ever had in my life. I couldnt breathe, I couldnt talk, and I couldnt stop sobbing in a way that made my stomach ache and my throat hurt. It felt like I was suffocating. I was scared, confused, and horribly let down with where my life had gone - just the year before I was celebrating my birthday in such a different way. How had my life come to this? In the months that followed I traveled when I was able, I went to more church, yoga, and therapy sessions than I can count, and I napped whenever I could because my heart was at peace in these places. I became a yoga teacher, a business owner, got my day job back, found a home of my own, and met and reconnected with more friends than I could have ever dreamed. I know I always reference my divorce, and how my life changed. I know I can be preachy, or maybe too open, etc - but its because I never imaged that Id make it through this year to where I am today. It felt like a small piece of my heart died every time someone would tell me to just wait - things would get better, time will pass, my heart will heal. I didnt believe anyone and I was so sure that my life was never going to be better than what it was at that moment sitting there in my parents house in my sweat pants with no job. If youre experiencing some gut-wrenching, horrible, painful, heart breaking experience - or if youre confused, lost, misguided, wandering on a dark path, unable to see any light in the future - let me tell you from experience that things get better. You dont have to believe me. You dont have to smile. You dont have to put on a brave front. You need to follow your heart - you need to do the things that bring you peace, as long as they are not harmful. You need to get out of bed every day, inhale, exhale, repeat, repeat, repeat, and put one foot in front of the other. You need to stop hating yourself for where you are and you need to allow yourself to be. Breathe, and all is coming. You are not alone. My life is not perfect, I still make wrong turns, second guess myself, and have major moments of what am I doing?. I still open my heart and feel it break when things dont go the way I want, and I still take steps backward when I mean to go forward, but a year of inhales and exhales can and WILL bring much, much change - good change. I am so incredibly thankful for the calls, the texts, the cards, the messages, the comments, and the TIME that youve all given me today - and every day of this past year. I dont know what my 32nd birthday would have looked like without so so many of you. Thank you for celebrating with me today with all the love. I am crazy thankful and had an awesome day with my co workers and family
Posted on: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 03:10:12 +0000
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