Pages From A Diary You say Ive changed. You told me you cried when you saw me. You said when you looked me in the eyes, those same eyes you fell in love with; your heart broke and shattered into a million little pieces. You said their was no life in my eyes. Blank. Nothing there but a hollow existence of nothing contained within. An ugly mess full of so much truth. You said It no longer lit and glowed with life, humbleness, humility, comedy and humor. You asked and questioned me what was wrong. Why I lost myself. You told me you watched me as I walked my way home on this old musty, dirt road and how you saw that my body swayed in the breeze like a ghost. How you saw a loneliness in me that you never knew I could muster the courage to exist and carry within my heart. Yet, how my heart that was always filled with laughter and happiness could have these types of emotions. The way I found a loophole to hide all this and wear a smile and how you told me that I have such a beautiful heart but how can I allow this type of pain to lie within all that love? You said it was as though my soul left my body long before it was supposed too. You looked me in the skeletal hollowness of my eyes and told me you saw that my head hung low as though my strength is no longer strong enough to carry myself. Like Im deep in thought and really, really holding on and thinking of something. You searched my emptiness looking for the answers I no longer wish to convey and address. You said you figured out how I mastered the ability to create with words to hide all that is within me. You gasped in shock at what you found. Saying that you wished you never should have found out and hated the fact that you know now. How your heart sank and your eyes filled with the heaviness of tears as you saw my truth. You became speechless and sunk your teeth deep into the flesh of your tongue and bit your suspicions as your heart became at lost of words with what you found. You said you couldnt believe what you saw and how it burned a sadness in you that you now carry knowing the burdens I carried. You said it hurt you and pained you as you no longer wish to understand what I hid for so long. You spit and cursed yourself for wanting to know and seeing what I didnt want for anyone to find. All the thousand saddened emotions and twenty five years of keeping it locked and now you say how could any one human carry such a burden so full of this. You said it was impossible. You said there was no way it could be done. You said you stared at me trying so hard to find a way to define and construct words to describe all of this. You said there are no words. They dont exist for something like this. You told me you lost your way trying to recreate with words and language to make all this a dream. Non reality. Something like this just doesnt exist in this perfect world to someone who is so perfect and full of life. You told me as you unfolded my weathered life and said how could I give my life and heart to the world and to others so they can use it to store and insert all this ugliness into it. This is your life. Why are you a carrier of everyones burdens? You said you hated the answer I gave when I told you that this was the reason why I was born. So that I may take what hurts people. To carry for others theyre pain, sadness, hurt and everything else that becomes to much. You asked me why. You held onto your body so tight when I gave you an answer. I told you I do it because I dont want to see and have anybody feel hurt. Im better at carrying it and tucking it away so let me carry it for you. You pulled me close and touched your hands to my face wishing and hoping that some magical thing would happen and that when youd caressed my face, you be able to take away everything. I smiled at you. I smiled a vacant smile but Im so good at acting and that the smile I gave you, pulled your heart and made you believe that it was real. I watch you leave. You smiled at me. Your smile told me all I needed to know yet I believed so little in it. I quietly whispered to you hoping that the breeze would carry it to you. Kissed and delivered it on a summer butterfly kiss as I said,I Love You! Thank you so much for everything and here is the good part of my heart. I hope its an Im sorry enough truth for all the wrong Ive done to you and for ever hurting you. Goodbye. Remember the star that sits by the moon. Ill be there if you ever need to talk. We left it at that. The simplicity that we became after all was said and done became the gist of it all. A simple smile that we began with. Here. Here it is. Here is my smile. The true smile with no hidden face. My truthfully honest smile and you are the only one to ever witness it besides our daughters. It yours to keep. Here it is. My smile.
Posted on: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 06:55:41 +0000
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