People out there who are struggling and feeling like shit, but want to be benevolent and hold onto hope in the name of love and goodness.. Remind me of who you are before I tell FB to get f*cked. Sometimes I feel like it. I know youre here but my brain is a little stuck, irately focussing on what/whoms pissing me off. just had it with drama. man, these groups sometimes. I have to say there are few that dont send me running for the hills anymore. theres one in particular that holds an amazingly balanced dynamic, but its getting more rare. Tired of BS from those who dont walk in anothers shoes bashing, saying mean things or just being cold and icy. This isnt high school. it doesnt do any good to play a game of Ive got it worse than you do youre just a whiny asshole and I could certainly be playing that game right now, but i will not. and my beaten, fibro-sludged, badly needing better things other than frankenfood body cant take that kinda poison. who can? no one really. so lets not. Ill must, must, must keep reminding myself that even if someone who *is* able to eat more than crummy white scrambled frankenEggs and banana chips from the dollar store, while desperately needing to lie down but downing nasty food bank coffee to stay on their two feet and make a sandwich for a six year old who needs it, someone who is actually able to speak to a doctor at all, is tearing their hair out and shouting their life is shit... that this doesnt mean I should become enraged and light my own hair on fire in resentment. Thats when I hafta put my hands together and pray, reminding myself that no matter how horrible my struggle seems, EVERYONE has their own in another way, its not only legitimate but its apples and oranges. Wise mind. stay in the zone ... regardless of whether i can relate to it. regardless. Pray and pray. keep on. Part of me is so fed up and sick i want to just scream, but the other part says: you must *not* resent. Whats funny is that Im resenting those who resent and lash out, at me, when I want to do the same and make an effort to *not*! Hah! Im resentful *of* the resenters. Hahaha... Ill tell you through, the thing thats hardest to not resent is being less than perfect in my own struggle, trying to be benevolent about it, and YET STILL being criticized by the someone who isnt struggling as much, or at least in my perception (however the former paragraph insists this be challenged, for my own emotional sobriety) and someone who I at least know for a fact is *not* experiencing what I am, in the way I am. Now, that one is the hardest to contend with. Thats when your chomping your tongue off to not lash back, so you gotta say bye bye and go strum your guitar or sit out in the sun and breathe. Analogy: someone driving in a mercedes, who is irritated because they are late, is yelling at the impoverished and thus depressed person holding a brown paper bag, being slow to cross the road (because they are sick and health-neglected) to get the f*ck out of the way and cross the street already.... (not that Im holding a brown paper bag per se, just an analogy!) But what is going on right now in the world right now? I dont think its just me. So many attacking peoples efforts to get up while hurting... and *even* attacking their succumbing, if they cant. Whats with this? It isnt right but I must press on. Pray. take a moment here and there. and press on. K, Im done with this vent. I pushed myself through the chores, played around listening to music. came on FB and saw drama, had no patience for it, vented. now i go focus. minimal or zero social for me this whole weekend. nothing personal. site is priority. important reasons. Dammit im putting this fruit of labour out there before my upcoming bday, then my bday present to myself is: Im done and done with the bulk of it, and its art/play/self-care/mega recovery time. Atm my inflamed body and brain can only hold a certain amount of forks that I must save, for whatll both help myself AND others more than any dramatic FB soiree ever could. Sure I used forks for this vent, but its not hypocritical... I needed to! Its important to let it out, and then get on with it. If you have PMed me, I am sorry, if it was longer than a one liner I wont be able to get back for a week or two. i just dont have the EF beyond doing these books. I will play catch up when it is feasible ...
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 22:04:57 +0000
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