Personal Reflection of Impact of Abusive International Marriages on Children by Anonymous: My father recently remarried a woman who is a couple of years younger than me from Thailand so this topic of international marriage is very relevant to me. My dad always told me that he would remarry, but I did not believe he would so soon. The topic of international marriage is not an issue in my eyes, when individuals are relatively close to the same age. I believe there is an issue when older Hmong men abuse their financial powers by marrying or dating young Hmong women. In both scenarios, they exploit and take advantage of one another. Many times these old Hmong men are vulnerable, going through a midlife crisis, and they believe that dating someone younger will make them happy. These men are typically married and have children. As a child who has experienced the repercussions of this problem, I am honored to be given this opportunity to shed light on this very important topic. I approach this issue as a Hmong American women who feels like this is becoming a more common norm in the Hmong community. It is becoming more common to find families that have been torn apart due to this topic. Therefore, this issue should be addressed because it is so prevalent. I believe that there are multiple contributing factors to this issue. This issue stems from the old traditional values of the Hmong culture and an intergeneration gap where it was more acceptable to be married to more than one wife in Thailand and Laos. Meanwhile, in the American culture, society views polygamy as a taboo resulting in a culture clash. Living in America, Hmong women, specifically the younger generation are taught that they have a voice. They can do anything just as well as a man. Women do not have to rely on their husbands to be the breadwinners of the family. They can get a good education and a high paying job. This may result in the husband feeling like he has no control or power in his relationship. This may lead the husband to remarry a younger woman living in Thailand or Laos who still holds the traditional values of being passive and submissive. Another factor contributing to this issue is that in the Hmong culture, women are less valued and they are expected to change their values in accordance to what their husband and his family believes is important. Women are expected to treat their husbands as kings and cater to their every needs. This results in the women becoming more passive which leads to them accepting polygamy even though they may not want to. On top of this, women are always blamed and belittled for the failure of their marriage even when the husband strays from the relationship. The wife is not pretty enough, doesn’t cook enough, can’t bear children for him, etc. and that is why her husband wants to get married to another person. This also contributes to the problem by justifying the husband’s rationale for wanting to remarry. Although, family meetings may be held with respected family members from each party, no real resolution will be obtained because even when the husband is at fault, he will not be blamed and his wife will be told to endure the situation. Every couple will develop problems when their significant other cheats and lies to them, but the depth of their issues will vary from couple to couple. From my own personal experience of international marriages, this issue has destroyed and broken up my family. While my parents were still married, they suffered financial burden to pay the mortgage and to put food on the table for the children, they had a verbally and physically abusive relationship for seven years. Not only did me and my siblings feel neglected, we have lost tremendous respect for my father. What my father failed to realized was that his narcissistic actions were emotionally draining but also built resilience us to redefine our family. It has changed me as a person to be stronger, to be more educated as a Hmong woman, and speak up about the gender equality in our Hmong community. Since I was one of the oldest daughters, I felt it was my duty to voice my opinion and speak up against the abuse my mom had faced when Hmong people in the community asked about my parents. What hurt me the most was the constant abuse from my dad’s family clan who assumed we did not love my father and my grandmother enough. This abuse from my father’s family had made me realized that I was only ib tug ntxhais and was not valued nor respected enough in our culture. I think what should change in the Hmong community is the gender identities and roles of Hmong men and women. There should be more education geared towards the older generation to respect their partners and to find alternative routes to resolve their infidelities and problems. There should be prevention measures that enforce abusive spouses to take anger management programs and educate them about the damage and effect it causes their children. Most importantly, there should be more programs to help boys and girls who are suffering through this detrimental commotion. Children should not feel like they are the cause of their parent’s problems and failed marriage. Nor should children accept that this is normal in Hmong families. I have already found forgiveness and accepted the reality that I will never get the sincere apology from my father. My only hope is that this story can inspire other people to reach out and help family members or friends who are struggling through this problem.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 04:36:12 +0000
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