**Please Read in FULL Before Commenting** Attempting to write my story into this book that has been inside of me for years--and I never imagined how much self-doubt and lack of worth would show up. What makes my story worth writing? Worth reading? Worth listening to? What makes my struggles of failing my way forward inspiring to others? Ive yet to fully wrap my head around what it is about the original Battling BARE picture and pledge that caused it to go viral--and moved others to the point of tattooing those words on their bodies... I suppose in many ways, I may never wrap my head around it. Ironically enough, one of the first articles written about me and Battling BARE stated, Epic poetry it is not. ...and I suppose, on one level or another, that echoes within the hallways of my mind because it rings so clearly with a similar belief Ive held about myself within my mind for years--a belief that Ive not yet been able to shake...that I have been weighed--I have been measured--and I have been found lacking, wanting and unworthy...thus my lot in life is to struggle for eternity...at least that is what this belief in my head screams daily... And yet the truth in my heart and soul whisper: You are a miracle. You are incredible. You are meant for greatness. (Anyone else have a similar struggle?) My dramatic efforts have been written about around the world. Ive been compared with the likes of Lady Godiva, Erin Brockovich and other strong women who have gone down in history--yet I find myself struggling with a feeling of being inadequate and ultimately paralyzed by fear of future judgments from others based on horrific smear campaigns, false but incredibly hurtful accusations of my character and integrity, and nasty rumors that still haunt Google searches to this day. ...I am strong. I am brave. I am courageous. In my heart, I know this. I used to feel the fear and do it anyway, but now...when it comes to baring my soul and what I belief to my very DNA to be true about life getting better for anyone and everyone who chooses--fear fills up my throat and tightens my chest so that it becomes so hard to breathe and memories flash in my head of all of the friends I have lost and horrible things that have been said about me because I said PTSD was curable--which to this day I still believe to be true. So here I sit--frustrated with this Dragon software that is supposed to make writing this damned story easier...wondering why I am even bothering to put myself through this, but knowing it is something Im meant to do...and wondering what to do with now. What do I do? Its been 2 years and Battling BARE is still just a Facebook page. 95% of anyone who has come forward to help saw money (which never existed) or fame/media coverage...being cool by association by jumping on the bandwagon that is or was Battling BARE. Others didnt know the true story and made assumptions that I was some fame hungry, blonde bimbo. Still others who had been working equally as hard to help and didnt experience such virality were frustrated, angry, jealous--as even I would struggle with had the roles been reversed. Ive tried to walk away, but there is this gravity-like pull of responsibility to keep up the good fight though the fight in me burned out long ago, and has now been replaced with what the hell do I do now? Ive let others take over Battling BARE, but they didnt see the same vision. They did their best, but the mission wasnt adhered to...the mission I stated when I first came out and was quoted saying Id become obsessed with finding a cure...the same statement that has now black balled me from other PTSD support groups and organizations...and I have found a pathway to a cure for people--each cure looks different and ultimately the truth is this: you are forever changed and will never return to who you were before and that is a GOOD thing because you have GROWN--now its merely time to process that growth and find out the true purpose of your soul, who you are now and where you go from here...its a FRESH START and a NEW JOURNEY. Example: There are many who have offered to help, but do you really understand and know what it takes? Are you willing to make sacrifices for this? Ive poured personal finances (just recently I poured another $6,000 into getting more T-shirts printed, paying for the final portion of the website, etc.) and worked 40-120 hours a week for nearly 18 plus months. My children havent had real birthday parties in 2 years...one year we lacked the money for pumpkins and costumes for Halloween because literally all our spare money was going into trying to make Battling BARE soar. Battling BARE nearly cost me my marriage...my children, now ages 5, 10 and 12, have made sacrifices for strangers...and so I ask anyone who has wanted to help--are you willing to do that? Are you willing to bare the compassionate burden that is Battling BARE and not receive a paycheck? And, ultimately, I would NEVER ask anyone else to go what Ive been through or bare this compassionate burden like that...but everything Ive face, sacrificed and gone through required me to grow and become the person necessary for the purpose of my own soul. So really, while I wouldnt wish those struggles or sacrifices on anyone...I would wish who I had to become in that process on everyone...even though I still find myself struggling with this fear--a fear that I feel disappearing as I write this and being replace with Oh what the heck! Do it anyway! So, in closing... #1 Who are you now that youve grown? #2 What is the purpose of your life now that you have this fresh start? #3 Where are you going with your life--because you, my friend, have an amazing story to tell! #4 How can I help you feel the fear, the lack of worth, the why bother and fulfill your life purpose anyway? Share your story anyway? Love, hope and dream of the future anyway? Inspire other anyway? ...nothing youve faced was an accident. Everything in your past has been perfect to create you into who you needed to be for this moment in time...and the only one chaining you to the ground--keeping you in a state of pain and suffering is you. You have an incredible power and light inside of you, my friend--would you let me show you how to harness that power and let your light shine? Love with PASSION! Live with PEACE! Dare to DREAM! ...for you are worthy of everything you desire and so much more! -Ash Wise xoxoxo
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 17:49:19 +0000
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