Please forgive me ... All day Ive been communicating with the Lord. Im filled with anger, hurt, frustration and irritation. Its a violent but silent rage. I cant control my emotions as I watch Addilyn try to swallow but instead she gulps air, time and time again. I attempt to help her by suctioning the saliva out. Im completely unsuccessful. To watch her struggle kills me. In fact, it eats away at me on so many different levels. It starts by ripping at my heart little by little. It quickly races its way to my patience after ripping my heart apart, and wraps its deathly grip around my patience. As my patience slips through the spaces Im left with the frustration of WHY this life has to be difficult in every aspect it seems? And not only for me but for everyone, whatever their trials may be. Im brought to a new level of irritation because I CANT save her. I CANT do anything to help her because all the tools Ive been given for some reason still remain helpless at times. Nothing can give her, her ability to swallow successfully back; of course thats with one exception, GOD! I pray every night and day and every moment in between. My communication with Him is endless throughout a day. It is the ultimate conversation as you can only imagine with a sick child. I have so much faith in Him, His healing hands and His loving ways; why wont He help her to conquer this battle? Why wont He help me control this frustration? This anger? ... This hurt? My insides are on fire. My head is pounding and here I sit... Crying at her feet, begging Him to help me understand. Why her? I can guess why its me, but why is it her? Shes perfect on every level. Im, well, Im just me... trying to process this anger, hurt, frustration, irritation and fear. I dont know why and I probably never will but why is it necessary my faith must be shaken? Why are my hope, faith and patience the first things to abandon me? Why must we as the human race endure all things, big and small? Yes, this seems unbearable and unfair. I pray not only that He will forgive me but I pray Addilyn will forgive me as well. Im not an angry, hateful, mean, impatient person but right now, here in this very moment - thats how I feel, angry, pissed off, hurt, irritated and terrified that He can take her at any moment and I have no say. Why must we live? Why must these emotions paralyze my body? Just why? Please know Im not looking for feedback, understanding or pity... When I started this page I promised to give you insight and tonight here it is. For better or for worse... This is how it occasionally feels to be a mom to a child that suffers from a terminal incurable disease known as #Krabbe. This is #addilynslifewithkrabbe. This is our journey of hope, together, to bare so thats what we will continue to do. And we are grateful for it. Just how it is. Deep down I know this is all for a reason, right now I cant seem to make sense of it though. Tomorrows a new day, thankfully. I pray Ill get to spend it with her by my side as the patient, loving, nurturing mom I feel as though I am and she looks at me to be... These emotions make me feel so selfish and unworthy of all blessings and greatness He so freely gives to me... Please know, I am beyond grateful for each day. Im blessed to have been given so much. I honest and truly am grateful. Sometimes I just struggle ... Im only human so please forgive me.
Posted on: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 04:22:35 +0000
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