Pouring my heart out... I cant believe this...it hurts a million times worse knowing its my fault it ended and that there was so much I could have done so easily to prevent her from leaving me. And making all these changes that are making me happier and more positive about myself and where Im going is making it hurt even more. Knowing that it was something so simple to do that could have kept us together. Depression sucks. It, along with an immature way of thinking of things, ruined the best thing in my life. They say just take it as a lesson learned. Well Ive learned my lesson. I know if she took me back right now everything would be different than before, and I know this because I feel different inside. Yes Im hurting and unhappy that shes not with me, but for once Im not depressed with myself. Im actually happy with what Im doing and going to be doing with my life now. I have goals that Im achieving one day at a time, Im thinking more positive about me and my future. But whenever I think about how Ive made all this progress it makes the hurt worse. Worse because I cant share this happy me with her, this success oriented me. Knowing how proud of me she would be if I could only show her this difference in me. She gave me so many chances, so many chances to grow up and get my shit together, but I was so deep into my depression and the stupid train of thought that my life wasnt going to get better that I didnt put any effort into changing anything, I realized it all too late. The damage had already been done and I had broken her heart. Something I never wanted nor thought I would do. Its not like I didnt love and care about her more than anything. And the love we had was special, truly special. We went 3 years with all my depressive insecure bullshit and she tried so hard to stay with me. But theres only so much that she could take before she had it in her mind that it wasnt going to change and that broke both our hearts. I just wish she would see me now, how much progress Ive made in less than a week, I know she would start to think differently about everything if she did. But she wont even talk to me. I dont blame her, shes trying to get over the heartbreak that I caused. I just pray that she will give me a chance. A chance to Show her how Ive changed and will continue to do so without fail, but I know she doesnt want to risk me being how I was and going through a heartbreak from the beginning again. Im never going to stop loving her and wanting to be with her, shes one of my main goals in life, the goal thats going to be the hardest to achieve. I just want my baby back, I want the love we had back, the wonderful times we had and could have had, the affection we had for each other. these sleepless nights and hurting chest are excruciating. And I just wish she could see, find it in her heart to give the changed me a chance...
Posted on: Sun, 26 Jan 2014 15:19:41 +0000
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