Power eating a bag of plantain chips isnt going to fix this. I need to cry. I need a good good cry. And I havent been able to have a sob since I received the diagnosis. That was a good cry, tears escaping out from places I didnt know existed. Tears that felt the shame in not being there for myself, not honouring my own needs. I dont know why I carry so much shame with me. I was raised with it, raised to have it, raised to hold it. And how do you do it?.. when you know youre in a situation and youre doing all you can do to change it. Your body telling you to get out as soon as possible, and you have to say, hold on body, Im doing everything in my power to change it, lets just rest as much as possible. But theres this hindering anxiety crawling across my chest and through my body, and it doesnt really let me rest until Im pressed firmly into the pillow as dawn breaks. And so, the bag of plantain chips is empty, and you thank yourself for not eating a bag of Lays, as you sense your pulse raise along with a notion of self defeat. I think I just ate a basket worth of plantains, and a tablespoon worth of salt. But thats how it is sometimes. Sometimes, when you really need to cry, you end up eating a bag of chips. And then still wondering, if you write enough, if you travel deep enough beyond the knowing that youve sold out, if you could land upon some unsettled emotion waiting to ignite out from the pit of your stomach, or even just from that layer beneath your skin. So, you sit waiting, digesting a lot of starch, as something in your chest calls softly out to you. And as it calls, and you begin to listen, you are suddenly standing at a crossroads youve been to a dozen times before. And what rings out is a call for authenticity, a call for truth, a call for honouring. And yet your response is the same.. How? And then, in that moment. This one right here. You begin to feel it. As if every memory youve ever had begins to fizz within each cell. And all that shame, the stuff that keeps you hidden is suddenly fresh for your eyes to see. And right now, in this moment, everything going on around you becomes insignificant. For you arent any of it, really. None of it is you, but just an expression of different parts of you. Ultimately showing you what you are not. And in subtle ways pointing you to who you are. So, you, here, you can just sit here, and feel it. And thats all that is called of you. Nothing else. Theres no where to be. The rushing stops. The chaos comes to a halt. And you can give yourself permission just to go inside, to that place, the one that calls out.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 06:03:33 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015