Preamble: You can imagine my welcome surprise when I found Mr Abbott walking solo through Manly’s world famous Corso tourist strip this week. Prime Minister Abbott is the Federal MP for Warringah on Sydney’s Northern Beaches. This is also my electorate. The PM may not have known it yet, but there was a vital issue of injustice he and I were about to discuss. That’s the plight of many mums and some dads forced onto the single parents Newstart Allowance which dramatically cuts fortnightly payments and demands they chase jobs as soon as their kids turn 8. NB: The people named in this story are real. The places are real. The conversation which is alleged to have taken place is a complete fabrication. by Ryan Heffernan “Hey, hey Prime Minister, wait up,” I yelled as I chased him down from behind. With a genuine reaction of consternation, Mr Abbott looked over his shoulder, made eye contact with me, and rapidly picked up pace. “Mr Abbott stop! I know you get molested by the public a lot but I am the real deal,” I said to the back of his moving and bobbing head. With no minders and no apparent entourage _ along with his frightened retreat _ I was emboldened. At a fast jog I reached him and placed my left hand on his left shoulder and said: “Mr Abbott we need to talk about this single parents Newstart thing…pronto”. The Prime Minister appeared to escalate into that fight or flight headspace somewhere between true horror and fierce combat mode. “I know you have other stuff like pesky dead kids on sinking boats and conspicuous spying on Indo to worry about, but this shit…sorry I mean this issue…cuts to the heart of this nation. What could be more important than raising good kids? And good kids need good mums and dads, right?” “I mean the alternative is hunger and homelessness or prostitution and theft. Worst-case scenario and we’ll end up separating children from their parents and shoving them in homes or foster care. And we all know how those “homes for kids” can pan out now don’t we PM?” TonyAbbott2 “I wholeheartedly agree,” Mr Abbott said as his eyes flicked sideways left and right, I suspect looking for a police officer, or a friendly blue Liberal Party member from the Northern Beaches to save him. No-one came. “The thing is…sorry what is your name?” “My name is Ryan, thanks for asking.” “Well Ryan, this is a very complex economic issue that is under review _ along with the entire Centrelink payment system _ as we speak.” “I understand that PM. Can I call you PM?” “Yes Ryan you can.” “Okay PM. Well as it so happens I have 1200 effervescent, but sometimes angry followers on Twitter, and I’m mates with 7000 very angry single chicks and blokes on Facebook who are taking a stick to this Newstart thing. Frankly, some of them want to take a stick to you.” “Did you say ‘Twitter’ Ryan? Did you say ‘7000’ and ‘Facebook’ in the same sentence Ryan? Did you say ‘angry’ Ryan?” “Yes I did PM.” “Let’s go and have a coffee, Ryan.” “See that’s the thing PM. My boy is only six so I get the full Single Parent Pension which works out to be 940-odd bucks a fortnight with my family allowance. About $770 of that goes on rent alone, then electricity, then food, then… “The prospect of buying nice coffee is tempting indeed. But, I fear, it would be the poor dad’s equivalent of blowing my Centrelink money on a crystal meth bender.” “That’s okay I’ll shout you Ryan. We can go to Cheekabenatar.” “Cheekabenatar? I know most places around here but not that one.” “Yes Ryan. You know, the Mexican place with all the cactuses?” “That’s cacti and I believe you mean Chico Bonita. It will be very busy and it’s more about food than coffee. Let’s go to Market Lane Cafe. The coffee is awesome and the women that own and run Market Lane are truly lovely. They are generally very cute to look at too. I went there a few times after I found $10 floating through the Corso and some other times when Centrelink overpaid me…oh shit…” “What was that Ryan?” “Nothing, I just swore again and I feel bad doing so in such esteemed company.” PM placated. We walked quietly to the Market Lane Café. Then we both ordered short blacks and sat. “Look,” I shot straight in before even taking a sip. “Let’s imagine those lovely all-grown-up girls of yours are 10 years younger. You’re a busy bloke. Perhaps one of the busiest in the country. What would you do if your wife upped and left you for, say, your Minister for Education, Christopher Pyne? “Well perhaps Pyne is not be a good example? I accept Pyne may be a stretch but anyway, this is rhetorical. If Mrs Abbott did escape the coop with Mr Pyne, would you have thrown all your political ambitions in and started wearing an apron and doing reading classes at school? “Uuummm, I don’t understand Ryan.” “Let’s face it, what chance would you have had of chasing your monstrous dreams of ruling an entire country without a momentously understanding and committed partner? Do you even know what your girls were doing when you were fulfilling your apparently insatiable ambitions? That must have been hard for them not having their dad there and possibly just as hard for your wife, don’t you think? And it must have been hard on you, presumably missing so much of their lives?” “Look we all have to make sacrifices Ryan and yes I could not have done this without my beautiful and committed wife and kids.” “So the question again is: What would you have done if Mrs Abbott and you couldn’t keep your family together?” “That’s a question I can’t possibly answer Ryan. It didn’t happen to me.” “Well it happened to me. I abandoned a somewhat notorious/infamous career as a producer at a commercial television station because I wanted to be there and raise my son, not just after hours and certainly not every other weekend, like most working dads.” “That’s wonderful. I encourage and support you in that Ryan.” “No you don’t.” “Yes I truly do.” “No you truly don’t” “Yes I do.” “So that means you’re going to scrap Newstart for single parents and place them all back on the Single Parent Pension where they belong, so they can be there to raise their kids and have barely enough money to eat at the same time?” “No, you know I have already told you that’s under review Ryan.” “So you don’t support us?” “Yes I do give my personal support to struggling single families most certainly. I understand they battle daily just to make ends meet. I’ve seen their kids myself at the school grounds. Their parents look bedraggled and the kids’ clothes are always second hand and dirty and they never have money to eat at the canteen.” “Shit PM…oh no there I go again. Sorry for the swearing. I’m emotional. “But I just had one of those epiphanies. So you say you can’t control the review but you support single parents, right?” “Yes Ryan, that’s right.” “Great. Give me your house?” “What?” “Give me the keys to your house?” “What are you talking about Ryan?” “Listen up PM. Here’s my logic: The way I see it, we, the Australian people, just gave you the two most prestigious properties in the country _ Kirribilli House on Sydney Harbour and The Lodge in Canberra.” “Yes Ryan, every Prime Minister has those homes to live in if they choose and that has been the case for many decades. It’s cultural, symbolic and historical.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah but what about your old joint in Freshwater? It looks to me to be a four-bedroom home at least. Nothing too spesh to look at, but plenty practical and a first class location close to no less than two primary schools. TonyAbbottHome2 “The most expensive part of living for a single parent in cities and towns across the country is by far and away the rent. If you gave me your home, in five minutes flat, I could find four small single parent families a place to live rent-free and build a little community of support. I mean it’s not like you have to pay rent at Kirribilli or The Lodge, so there’s nothing needed to offset your current costs is there?” “No Ryan, I’m sorry, the place has already been leased.” “Yeah but not forever surely? You can be PM for years to come if you stop treating the world’s most desperate people like plastic thimbles in a game of Monopoly and Aussies like mindless mushrooms (which I do admit quite a few are). “Why don’t we organise with the Salvos to enlist and manage your place as emergency housing? I have come to know the Salvos well and they are very good at this sort of thing.” “Look, Ryan I have a meeting to go to,” the PM said as he stood up shovelling a 20 onto the table and already starting to walk off. “If you need more information just email my electorate office and we’ll look at all of your ideas. I make that personal guarantee.” “Okay PM. But before you rush off, I need to say a couple of quick things. “Firstly: Your daughters are pretty cute. What if they got knocked up and the dad was nowhere to be found?” There’s that look of fight or flight horror again. “And secondly: Me and my 7000 single parent social media mates, who collectively have tens of thousands of other mates, are also conducting an ongoing review… …of you.”
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 03:28:49 +0000
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