☆RANT☆ (you dont have to read, just something I have in my chest at the moment that Ive been wanting to get out for such a long time) I dont think people understand what its like to be trans with no support from family. Or even what its like to be trans at all. People dont understand the depression they go through, specifically the ones that have no power to be who they want. This is a really serious topic for me, especially because Ive seen jokes being made about the transgender youth that just passed away and it sickens me that people think its all for attention. I mean yeah her death was for attention, but it was so that people can pay attention to how serious the matter is, that there can be a change in the world. Just imagine waking up one day in the wrong body, and you look in the mirror and just break down because thats not the person you know. Afterwards you try to explain to your family what has happened, but no one believes you and youre forced to live in this body by peoples expectations. Sucks doesnt? Tbh it kinda sucks when you have a clear image in your head of who you want to be and how you want to change but the only thing holding you back is your own family. In my case I deal with it everyday. Even comes to the point where I start to hate myself for holding myself back, but theres literally no other choice. I feel like everyone puts limits on me, all so that I can be this perfect specimen of what society calls a man but in all reality, Im far from that and I always have been. I try to inspire people and make it look like I can handle everything on my own, but honestly I cant. I put on my makeup and I wear my clothes because its a part of who I am and its my only escape to making me feel better about myself, I feel like a women when I do, and its the happiest feeling in the world. I dont get much negativity in public, infact the positivity outweighs the negativity. I love getting mistaken for a girl because I feel like Im a step closer to that image I have in my head. Sometimes Id rather be in public more than at home, because as soon as I come home I get this look of disgust almost on a daily basis from my own mom and just pure negativity. Never have I once heard her say I was beautiful. I feel like Im just a person with a mask around my family. I always have to take off my makeup, put on some fake personality, and a different outfit (a manlier outfit to be exact) usually as soon as I come in contact with family or I go out in public with my mom. Its very rare when I do get to leave it on. And I just feel like Im hiding. I dont feel like me. I feel like Im a robot being built to fit in with the others, or like I have concrete feet just weighing me down. I wish they could understand. What more can I do? I mean.. Ive shown signs since I was little. I would play with Barbies, I hated boy toys (unless they were dinosaurs) I always envied shopping for clothes in the boy section, I always asked for the girl toy in a happy meal, I used to put on my aunts hair extensions and bows when we went to her house and they just laughed as if it was just some childs joke, Id even put on my moms heels. I dont know what else can make it obvious, and Im just so tired of trying. Although sometimes I want to give up, I know I cant. For if I did, Id fail that image of myself. I mean I even have a name Id like to be called by already. But I cant use it yet, because as of now Im still Hector. This 2015, I will get closer to that person I want to become. And if youve read this far I hope I enlightened you with my story or atleast proven that its not as easy as it looks to be alone in this world with nothing but the little hope that you have left.
Posted on: Sat, 03 Jan 2015 05:21:17 +0000
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