ROCKY: STILL ALIVE INSIDE MY DUSTBUSTER Back in 1981, when my friend Miriam and I were doing our Jane Fonda Work Out Tape (all the rage back then) in her incredibly clean NYC apartment, we got to talking about Miriams brother Rocky: Youd like my crazy brother. He got me a present, Miriam said, panting as we did our abdominals, because I was the only member of our family who didnt yell at him for getting shot in the head on his first day driving a taxi. Your parents YELLED at your brother for getting shot in the head? I asked, ceasing to do my abdominals even though Jane Fonda was insisting I should. Miriam also stopped doing her abdominals. SHUT UP JANE! she yelled at the tape. So you were saying your brother got shot in the head, I prompted, and bought you a present for not yelling at him. Right, Miriam said. So my brother Rocky, let me just say, is the kind of person who brings trouble on himself. Like Leonard Bernstein once almost beat Rocky to a pulp in Central Park for yelling HEY LENNIE! YOU CALL YOURSELF BERNSTEEN OR BERNSTINE? YO LENNIE! And Leonard Bernstein was furious and turned around and said I AM MR. BERNSTINE TO YOU. And Rocky said THATS KINDA PRETENTIOUS LENNIE. Rocky doesnt take crap, I said. Yeah. Unfortunately hes this skinny little musician, not some Sylvester Stallone kind of Rocky, Miriam said. So this guy -- not Leonard Bernstein, some hoodlum guy -- got in Rockys cab and pulled out a gun and said GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY. And Rocky said YOURE GOING TO HAVE TO SHOOT ME FOR IT and the guy shot him and so my mom and my dad just blew up at Rocky in the ER -- it wasnt a HORRIBLE gun shot wound and it was the second time Rockys gotten shot so my parents are just kind of sick of Rocky getting shot. But you didnt yell at Rocky? I asked. No. Rockys never going to be like the rest of us living these sort of lives where we go to work and do Jane Fonda exercises and clean our apartments and dont get shot. I ACCEPT THIS ABOUT ROCKY, YOU KNOW? So Rocky showed up at my apartment at three in the morning last night with a present for me. Its this brand new thing they call a DUSTBUSTER. Miriam and I left Jane Fonda behind in her living room urging us to GO FOR THE BURN and she showed me the Dustbuster in action. I was really amazed by it. Its incredible, I said. Yeah, Rocky always gets me the best presents when everyone else is mean to him because I really think Rockys a great musician. Does Rocky own a Dustbuster? Nah, Miriam said. Rocky just moves from sublet to sublet with everything he owns in a backpack playing in bands and getting shot and making beautiful music. When I got married, Miriam gave me a Dustbuster. I had it for years and every time I used it I thought about Rocky and wondered what became of him: Did he make it as a musician? Did he get shot again? I never met him. I never saw Miriam again after I moved to Cincinnati. A few years ago the Dustbuster broke and it broke my heart as it felt to me as if Rocky himself had died. This morning at Target I walked by the Dustbusters and decided to buy a new one as a Mothers Day present to myself. After I purchased it, I started to walk out the door and this incredibly loud alarm went off. A cashier ran up to me and looked at my receipt to make certain I wasnt stealing the Dustbuster Go on! she finally said. There must be something inside the box that causes problems. I smiled and thought, Rocky! IVE GOT HIM BACK! And I walked happily to my car, full of certainty that somehow, someway, Rocky is alive and well and still moving from sublet to sublet making beautiful music when he isnt setting off alarms at Target just to keep things lively.
Posted on: Mon, 05 May 2014 15:57:13 +0000
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