Random thought..... I have always been able to use my life as a testimony to help and encourage others. My hurt, my pains, my failures, my losses, my joys, my successes, my pleasures, my gains... I have encountered people in my journey of life that I have been able to speak to and relate to... I was molested by my stepfather when I was a kid. I used to have extremely long hair down my back. I was a cute kid; cute smile, skinny, nice personality, athletic, tall. He used to play in my hair while molesting me and would always say that I better hope that I kept my long hair and pretty looks because as a tomboy, that is the only thing that a man would ever want me for. I would hear those words and harbor them in my mind. I wanted to prove those words wrong. I started wearing my hair in a single ponytail pulled back, and my mother would hate it bcs she liked my hair. One day I just cut it and when I joined the military, I G.I. Janed it. During the time of living with my stepfather, I discovered the gift of words within me. I would write about my encounters with him. I would create stories while it was happening and write them afterwards. At 17 years old, I was raped by a family friend. I became pregnant behind that encounter and decided to kill the pregnancy because at the time, I didnt think I could stand to look in the face of a child that was created in that way. I lived that regret and guilt for a very long time. It took a lot to forgive myself. I miscarried a child, a son....the one thing that I have always prayed for. I didnt even let anyone know I was pregnant, except 3 close friends. Bitterness set in because of that because I felt God was punishing me for being ashamed of my pregnancy or not being happy with my daughters. Ive been physically abused in a relationship. I would be ashamed because as intelligent as I am, I stayed a little longer. I was young, just building my self esteem back up, so I toyed with whether or not I deserve it. My stepfathers words would play in my mind. The second time he hit me, I cut him. Deep. I dont even remember what we were fighting about. I bet he does though....every time he sees his stomach. My last boyfriend, left me homeless. I mean I lost everything materialistic, financially, and almost mentally because of him. According to him, it never happened. He hit me too. Ironically, the first time he did was on the night the President Obama first got elected. Told me I was lying because as light as I am, I would have been bruised more. Lol. Fortunately for him, I learned early in life how to take a punch and a tackle (pays to have big brothers). I remember he told me that I would never be anything without him (funny, I always thought I was nothing with him) because no man wanted a woman who shaved her hair off in a moments notice and I was too sure of myself. Again, my stepfathers words. One thing I am so grateful for is that I NEVER became bitter. I never blamed others for my problems. I made those choices to allow certain people in my life at a certain age. I have always kept my sense of humor and I STILL think the B.L.A.C.K. M.A.N. is one of the greatest to walk this earth. I have come across people in my life that has taken advantage of me, used me discouraged me, talked down on my dreams of writing and speaking. There are days I hear their voice telling me that I will never do this; I would never write a book, speak before a crowd, or do spoken word. I hear them as clear clear as a sunny day. Then one day, I heard this song while watching this movie and it spoke to me. There are time
Posted on: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 03:23:17 +0000