Raw Truth: Holding on and letting go I am considering the leap. That full on run and jump into the unknown. Sometimes this is thrust upon us and I see my capacity to bounce back strong and feel like I was quite courageous. Yet, when I am standing in choice it can be such a trap to stand at that crossroads and feel committed to one path, while having a toe still holding on to the other. It seems a whole other level of courage to leap versus adapt to being pushed. I have just awoke from a post tantra festival rest and am ruminating on the myriad of unexpected gifts this gathering held...paramount among these seem to be one of Bruce Lyons workshop which invited me to see where I was holding myself back by holding on... Living the false safety of another persons dream or calling instead of leaping with full force into my own. Of simply giving 99% and fooling myself into believing it was 100%. 100% is an absolute number in terms of commitment, so it seems better to give none at all versus burdening myself with carrying around the excessive weight of that last 1% forever holding me in orbit to the past or my own fear of the unknown. This awareness hit home on many levels...my career and living path come to mind, but what is most alive here and now is relationship... The first posts I made were as a way to cope with sudden loss. Things have shifted and evolved a couple revolutions since then. As is often the case when there is deep love coupled with a dysfunction, splitting up is as hard as being together...we have certainly stayed in touch, let go, come close, pushed away, circled back, paused, made intentions, revised them, released, circled again...since the split. And for my part, day by day as I move along on my path I have moved on. Without trying or resisting. In the last month or so this accelerated as I broke open and was met with love on all levels and forms, but also the creativity and clarity of where I am called to go and finding so much community ready to meet me there. Welcome me there. Now I am feeling in the overflow...yet I have held on. 99% moving forward, following ease and grace...1% holding on to the safety of the past but also the story. And the truth. As I walked in the forest outside Angsbacka just a couple days post tantra festival, I came to the crystal filled rock where clear plans between my beloved and I were made a year earlier. Plans to let go of our Portland home, travel the world and teach. 2 months later we were split, but I had a schedule based on those plans. 6 months later we tried again...and again the schedule. Which brought me there. To the Festival where it began. Also the last of our scheduled co-teachings that was not to be. And here I was, so much more empowered and clear to be teaching both on my own and with new partners. More clear than ever. And remembering the hope, joy, promises, plans and love of a year earlier. My beloved had broken crystals from this rock with another stone. When she showed me the large crystal pulled, I without thinking (or reasoning!) smacked it against the stone and pieces fell away leaving a heart. A crystal heart. We called it the heart rock. And here almost a year to the day, that stone and the crystals left behind were still where she left them. Everything was just as last year. Almost. And it hit me that I was still holding on. For me. For her. For us. Through all the love that had been since, there was still that 1% which needed to let go, else we would both remain tethered to a time which had passed. I wept and screamed for the dreams released and the particular flavors of joy and laughter that I knew would not be again. In that moment I could not touch the sense of freedom or spaciousness, but only the ripping and emptiness of letting go completely. How daunting to experience my capacity to move on and hold on at the same time and to feel I had been untrue to myself these months while feeling so clear. The rock shared that it would hold our love. Our love was real. Is real. It does not need to form itself in a human relationship to exist. Much like the rock, it can simply be. Rooted. Connected to the Earth. My belief and actions do not prove the rock nor our love. I can go on with my life and the rock will remain just as it had the past year. So too with our love. Naturally, a dear friend, ally, mirror and partner on this path was walking in the forest as I returned. He reflected that a vision quest ceremony was complete in his tradition when what which was seen was shared and reflected back. He shared that he heard that we had unknowingly created a ceremony a year ago to shatter all the bullshit and story that surrounded our love, leaving that clear crystal heart. And so we did. And so it remains. The heart rock. The crystals. Our love. In that place. And any other they may touch. I can visit. Remember. Greive. Celebrate. But I cannot carry that stone with me. Nor the hope that someday I might. So I let it go. #RawTruthTuesday #LivingRawTruth #TribalTantra
Posted on: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 22:19:19 +0000