Recovery: I am home recovering in PA with my family for the time being. I wanted to thank everyone who has been an integral part of this journey. Mrs. Barbara J. Gorman, thank you for the homecoming gift. There are many more people I intend to thank, as well. I am still having a very tough time and experiencing many side effects. Recovery is just as difficult (if not more) than the treatment itself. My voice has not returned yet. Im getting impatient. I am resting it and this is absolutely one of the most challenging experiences for me. Anyone who knows me, knows how difficult this is. It is very quiet at the house, despite my presence. Its weird. I think some people actually miss my ramblings, lol. My doctor said it would return. He did say every patient is different and tastebuds, for example, may fully recover...may recover but not fully, or not at all. I signed the consent and pushed for that treatment bc Ive needed it for over a decade. There are also other side effects Im willing to live with as a trade-off for the latter. I guess my point is, in hindsight, my 6 surgeries and radioactive iodine (RAI) treatments were a piece of cake compared to this. I am not discrediting surgery or RAI. None of that was easy by any means. And downplaying Thyroid Cancer as the good cancer contradicts my journey and all 6 surgeries, all 4 RAI rounds, my resistance to RAI, and the 27 rounds of external beam radiation. Aint nothing good about any cancer. Ever. Every journey and struggle is significant to the person going through it. So please dont compare. I tell this to friends and family daily because they tend not to want to bother me with important things theyre experiencing bc its small compared to what Im going through, so they say. Just because I have the C word, doesnt mean Im not capable (when able) to be a friend. As far as my thoughts tonight: I would like to return to my life now and tired of waiting. Thats all patients (and caregivers) do sometimes...we wait. For appointments, insurance approvals, and denials, biopsy results, scan results, and to get better if we are lucky. Although, there is guilt that accompanies it to a degree. At least for me there is. And then factoring that the type of cancer I have is the good cancer is added guilt and confusion on top of recovering to return to my life. Because no one fully recovers... Surviving. Thats what its called. Giving up will never be an option. I did come home different this time versus the last time. Not in a bad way. Just different from the radiation, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Ive lost a lot. My weight can easily fluctuate 10 pounds at minimum. Often. FYI, my weight has not been under 199 in over 9 years. I left Phoenix in July for Tulsa weighing 220ish. I carry my weight well and Im not afraid to talk about it. Today, I am 185. When I was in the best physical shape of my life as a collegiate, full-scholarship athlete, I weighed 160. Im getting there but Im far from that young girl newly diagnosed. I learned what I know now by going through it. And trusting my struggle. I wish I had a road map for life, but it doesnt work like that. There would be no point to life that way. The lesson is often found in the journey. Ive learned a lot through every experience. Patience isnt easy. But it must be learned or youre going to make it that much harder on yourself. I know this bc I did that. Medicine takes time. Doctors are not God. Thyroid Cancer is a process just like anything else. So learn how to dance in the rain instead of waiting for the storm to pass you by as the quote says... Patience is important and I still struggle with it... We, as in patients, are probably the most patient people on the planet. But...yeah, Ive had enough. It is hard when your mind says one thing and your body says nope. Take a seat. Rest. Showering is a lot for me right now. Little, basic tasks are a lot right now. SMH. Forcing myself to eat and swallow despite not being able to taste and it hurting with every bite. I never realized how much I innocently took for granted until now. Eating is a privilege. Speaking is a privilege. Swallowing is a privilege. Being able to shower without help, without getting dizzy, without falling, and without breaking into a cold, clammy sweat the second after you finish getting dressed and having no choice but to sit down and catch your breath bc that (what used to be minimal) exertion was too much at once. I was a fit, conditioned, strong 3 sport athlete. Im not being negative. Im a realist. What Im trying to say is fighting the fight when youre in the ring head to head is one thing. After the fight is finished, you step outside of the ring and its an entirely different, fight. Today was an uphill day. Some days are good and some days are tough. Im a realist. Im not complaining. This is where Im at right now and Im allowed to state that I do not like it one bit. I put up a good fight, no doubt. But just bc I stepped out of the ring and left OK, doesnt mean the fight is over. This is a new ballgame and my case went from Triple A ball to the Majors. And Im MAJORLY recovering. There are days, many in fact, that I wish I could fast-forward. Days like today. But I believe Winston Churchill said the only way through Hell is to go through it and Im still going through it. Home: I couldnt be happier to be home with my family and closest friends. This is where I need to be at this time. I am grateful. My mindset and frustration is realness and I am happy for another day in this life. Im just working through a whole lot on many levels. I really just wish I could go to Rainbow Fest this weekend in Phoenix but my reality is not capable. Next year. Maybe. To those of you I havent connected with yet; I apologize if I have not responded to you if youve commented or personally messaged me. I am limited currently. Regarding personal messages and medical questions, I am not a doctor and just a woman sharing her journey as a patient. Blogging is very therapeutic and I am deeply humbled sharing my experience has inspired and helped so many people. That was my intention. A post is different than responding to the number of personal messages I have received. I am very grateful and couldnt be happier with the response both publicly and personally through Facebook Messenger. I am not writing this post in an attempt to ask that those messages stop. I just wanted to explain why I am not able to give so many messages my undivided attention at this time. I cant tell anyone what to do bc Im not a doctor. Again, Im simply sharing my journey publicly to raise more awareness and help others who may have similar concerns and frustrations as Ive experienced. I respond to messages as often as I can. If its short its not personal. If I havent responded yet, I do apologize. I will respond, but my recovery comes first as Im sure you would understand. No one fights alone. That I know. You are all pushing me forward. I hope you know that. I wanted to thank everyone again for your love and support through this time, while also supporting my purpose raising awareness for Thyroid Cancer through going public with my story. I have a lot of rest and recovering yet to do. Once Im strong enough, I will be returning to work and my life in Phoenix. Thank you for your continued support. It truly helps me and I will be forever grateful. Best, Jamie ❤️
Posted on: Sun, 19 Oct 2014 06:11:10 +0000
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