Safe and Sound-Making Strong Connections – Skills for Connecting Bonding is the ability to establish an emotional attachment to another person. It’s the ability to relate to another on the deepest level. When two people have a bond with each other, they share their deepest thoughts, dreams, and feelings with each other with no fear that the other person will reject them. Bonding is one of the most basic and foundational ideas in life and the universe. It is a basic human need. God created us with a hunger for relationship—for relationship with him and with our fellow people. At our very core we are relational beings. Without a solid, bonded relationship, the human soul will become mired in psychological and emotional problems. The soul cannot prosper without being connected to others. No matter what characteristics we possess, or what accomplishments we amass, without solid emotional connectedness, without bonding to God and other humans, we will suffer sickness of the soul. Why is our need for bonding so strong, and why is our failure to bond so disastrous for our well-being? God is a relational being, and he created a relational universe. At the foundation of every living thing is the idea of relationship. Everything that is alive relates to something else. We sometimes think, however, that we can supply all our needs without other people. We think that, in a state of emotional and spiritual isolation, we can still grow. This grave violation of the basic nature of the universe can cause serious problems. Our emotional and psychological well-being depends on the status of our heart, and the status of our heart depends on the depth of our bonds with others and God. "A man who walks alone too far goes mad" Jewish Proverb If we come into the world learning to attach to others and to trust them, we begin to develop emotionally, physically, and psychologically. We proceed along certain prescribed plans outlined by our Creator. If, however, we do not learn to attach to others, then our growth is stunted, and we may experience problems. When we understand that the foundation of existence lies in relationship, , it begins to make sense why love is the highest ethic. In his book Frames of Mind, Dr. Howard Gardner made the revolutionary statement that individuals possess several forms of intelligence. He concluded that we are all intelligent in a variety of different ways, and even if we didn’t receive great grades in school, we can still be extremely intelligent in other areas. Two of these areas are intra-personal intelligence and inter-personal intelligence. Intra-personal intelligence is defined as how well you get along with yourself. If is how well you know yourself, understand yourself, and are clear about your strengths and weaknesses, your values, opinions, goals, and dreams. People with high levels of intra-personal intelligence are extremely aware of who they are, and who they are not. This enables them to be honest and objective with themselves, and as a result, they are more honest and objective with others. Intra-personal intelligence is the foundation upon which another intelligence, inter-personal intelligence, is built. Inter-personal intelligence is an ability to communicate, negotiate, interact, persuade, and influence other people. People who are successful in all businesses requiring active interaction with other people, such as salespeople, managers, counselors, consultants, and lawyers all have a high degree of inter-personal intelligence. You can increase your intelligence in any area by learning and practicing in that area. And perhaps the most important intelligence you can consciously and purposefully develop is your inter-personal intelligence. That’s because forming and maintaining relationships is vital to both your professional success and your self-image–your intra-personal intelligence. Our personalities are largely shaped by the way people react to us. Our only indication as to who we are at a young age is the way people treat us. If people treat us with kindness, respect, and good humor, we eventually conclude that we are pretty good people who deserve kindness, respect, and proper treatment. Three Basic Social Needs Psychologists have identified three basic social needs that we all have: inclusion, control, and affection. The first, inclusion, is the need to feel that we belong, that we are included in families, work groups, social groups, business organizations, and professional associations. We need to feel wanted, accepted, and important. The second social need we have is the desire for control. Psychologists have concluded that the basis for a positive mental attitude is a sense of control. We are happy to the degree to which we feel we have a certain amount of control over our life. We are unhappy to the degree to which we feel out of control. Most stress is caused by being out of control of some part of our life that is important to us. The third social need we all have is the desire for affection. It is hard to live without the knowledge that someone cares about us. Sometimes, just knowing that even one single person, somewhere, cares about us is enough to give meaning to our entire lives. A Work in Progress In publishing circles, there is an expression: a work in progress. This is a book that has been scheduled for publication but which is not yet complete; the author is still working on it, at one stage or another. Each of us is a work in progress. Each of us is born and grows up immature and inexperienced in the ways of the world. Over time, and with a lot of hard knocks, we develop a greater depth of character and personality. And all of our lessons are learned in the crucible of human contact. There are certain parts of your personality that will remain completely untouched and undeveloped unless and until you enter into deep, meaningful, intimate, emotional relationships with people you love and who love you in return. It is only then that you develop the depth of personality that makes you a more interesting and complete individual. On the wall of my fist Karate Dojo was a sign that said, “The ultimate aim of Karate lies not in victory or defeat, but in the perfection of the character of its participants.” I think that is the ultimate aim of life as well the perfection of the character of its participants. And it is hardly possible for you to become everything you are capable of becoming without the lessons that come through relationships with people for whom you care deeply, and who, in turn, care deeply for you. Note: By perfection here I am referring to maturing growth, wholeness, integrity and strength of character. Not the ideal. Developing Your Own Relational Skills Realize the Need Notice your own need for connection, love, safety, belonging, significance, certainty, growth, and contribution Move Toward Others It is wonderful when others move toward you and seek out your heart. Often, though, others cannot see what you need and how emotionally isolated you really are. Therefore, to the best of your ability, actively reach out for help and support. Be Vulnerable You can move toward others, get socially involved, and have relationships, but still be isolated. Your isolation may stem from your inability to be open, your inability to show your real self to others. Learn to be vulnerable. The word vulnerable literally means “open to criticism or attack.” You need to be so open with your needs that you are open to attack. Realization of need is the beginning of growth. Humility and vulnerability are absolutely necessary for bonding to take place at a deep level. Being vulnerable at a social level may be too threatening at first. Maybe you need to start with a psychologist, relationship coach, counselor, or support group. But vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit that you need support and help, and can reveal your hurt and isolation, a dynamic is set into motion that can literally transform your personality and life. Challenge Distorted Thinking Distorted thinking blocks you from relating to others. This essentially causes you to repeat what happened in the past. Challenge the distortions that keep you in bondage. To the extent that you continue to see the world through your childhood eyeglasses, your past will be your future. If you don’t, for example, challenge the belief that “all people will leave me,” you will never form an abiding attachment, and you will recreate the isolation of your past. God has promised to reveal the truth to you. Ask him to show you your particular distortions. Distorted thinking was learned in the context of relationship, and that is the only place where it can be unlearned. You need new relationship to undo the learning of the past; there your real self can be connected in grace and truth and thereby be transformed. Take Risks To learn new relational skills and the way of attachment, take risks. You have a responsibility to hear the voice and open the door. People will call to you, but if your distorted thinking and your resistance to risk get in the way, you will keep the door closed so that attachment cannot happen. Allow yourself to risk valuing someone emotionally. Risk getting hurt again. This is difficult, but essential. Allow Dependent Feelings Whenever you begin to allow someone to matter to your isolated heart, uncomfortable needy and dependent feelings will surface. These are the beginnings of a softening heart. Though uncomfortable, these feelings are a key to attachment. Many times you think you need to “keep a stiff upper lip,” but allowing your tender, needy sides to show to the ones you need will cement the attachment and allow it to grow. Recognize Defenses Recognize your own particular defenses against attachment. As soon as you can spot the old familiar patterns, you can begin to notice them in operation and take responsibility for them. You may need to say something life this, “Oh, there I go again, devaluing someone who is trying to love me. I’ll try and let them matter this time.” Challenge your old ways of acting and allow God to empower you to resist your defenses. Become Comfortable with Anger Often, people avoid attachment because they fear their anger at the one whom they need and love. As a result, anger leads them into isolation to protect the loved one. It is natural to feel angry toward people you need. The more you can feel comfortable with angry feelings toward “good” people, the more you can integrate those feelings into the relationship and not spoil it. The angry self is an aspect of personhood that many people prefer to leave “un-bonded.” They believe that it is the unlovable aspect of who they are. Pray and Meditate In Psalm 139:23-24, David asked God to reveal who he was at a deep level: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Pray David’s prayer along with him, and God will reveal the true state of being in your heart. Ask God to unravel the problems in your ability to attach. Abiding is God’s highest value for you so you can be assured of His desire to help you reach this goal. As David says in Psalm 51:6, “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” Be Empathic Empathy is the ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Empathizing with others’ needs, identifying with their hurt, softens your own heart. Many hardened people have melted by getting close to the hurts of others. I’m not implying a “give-to-get” or a “get-your-mind-off-yourself” strategy. I’m talking about identifying with the struggler in order to get in touch with your own hurt and loneliness. Say "Yes" to Life The task of bonding to others is one of saying, “yes” to life. It is saying, “yes” to others’ invitation to connect with them. People who struggle with isolation say “no” to relationship in many ways. When you hide behind defense mechanisms, you are saying “no.” When you avoid intimacy, you are saying “no.” When you make excuses, you are saying “no.” Connection requires that you begin to say “yes” to love when it presents itself. This may mean accepting invitations to be with people instead of always withdrawing. It may mean giving a different answer in safe contexts when you are asked, “How are you doing?” It may mean empathizing with another’s hurt. Whatever the opportunity it means saying, “yes” to relationship. Seven Basic Principles Relationships can be extremely complicated, but to build and maintain quality relationships requires only a few basic principles. Let me give you seven. Trust The first is the principle of trust. All relationships are ultimately based on trust. To build trust, you always keep your word. You remain consistent and dependable in everything you say and do. You become the kind of person who is utterly reliable in every situation. You never do or say anything that can shake this fundamental foundation of trust upon which your relationships are built. Respect The second principle is respect. Taking time to deliberately express your respect for the uniqueness of an individual makes him or her feel very valuable and important. By demonstrating that kind of respect, you build and enhance the quality of your relationship. Communication The third principle for success in relationships is communication. In communicating well with another person, time is the critical factor. The value of a relationship can increase for both you and the other person depending on the amount of time that you invest. When you take the time to focus on the important issues of a relationship, you open the channels of communication. And when you listen attentively, calmly, quietly, and with total attention, you demonstrate the respect you have for the other person, and you deepen the level of trust between you. Courtesy The fourth principle is courtesy. When you say “please” and “thank you” on a regular basis to the people in your life, you make them feel better about themselves and about what they are doing. You raise their self-esteem. And alas, it is often with the people we care about most that we are the least courteous and polite. Emmet Fox once wrote, “If you must be rude, be rude to strangers. But save your company manners for your family.” Caring The fifth principle is caring. The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance. The kindest thing you can do is to refrain from criticizing, condemning or complaining to them or about them. Think of yourself as a people-builder rather than a people-basher. Catch them doing something right. Always look for ways to make people feel more valuable, more respected, and more loved. The three most powerful words in any relationship are the words, “I love you.” Repeat them as often as possible and in as many different ways as possible to the most important people in your life. Praise and Appreciation The sixth principle is a combination of praise and appreciation for everything that others do for you, both large and small. When you express your appreciation to another person for something they do for you, they feel better about themselves, and they want to do more of it. And there is a kickback effect that causes your own self-esteem to go up, exactly as if you yourself had been praised. Helpfulness The seventh principle for success in relationships is simply helpfulness, especially with those people with whom you live. Your constant willingness to step in and do little things to alleviate the burdens felt by your spouse and children is always appreciated and respected. This willingness to share, to contribute, to help each other is an important facet of lasting relationships. Perhaps the most important thing you ever do in life is build and maintain long-term, happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships with other people you love and who love you. When you make everything else secondary to this central purpose, you will find yourself enjoying happiness and rewards in exponential proportion to the efforts you put in.
Posted on: Sat, 29 Jun 2013 22:13:54 +0000
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