:( She hurt me. Its not the first time nor the last. Its been a week since we talked. She abuses me. Not physically but emotionally. Ive been crying but I do it in secret cause I dont want to show weakness. I laugh and smile so that no one knows what Im going through.Im good at acting. Her words are toxic,they pierce through my heart now there is a hole. She is the reason behind my fear of loving and being loved. She is the reason behind my trust issues. I cant believe that the only person who claimed to love me could do this to me. Sometimes I wish I never knew her. Ive been doing research on suicidal ways. I focus on the easiest and less painful. But there is no such. Ive tried a couple. The first time I mixed various pills and started drinking them one by one,one by one. All they left was an immense pain in my stomach. So I went on to the second attempt. Hanging. My stepfather has been a distraction. He always arrives in time and I hide the rope. I learned how to tie a noose,Im actually a pro I prayed first and closed my eyes. I opened them and saw that I was still on earth,I forgot to jump. I was scared and I still am. I feel like such a chicken now. Today she yelled at me and I started laughing. I think Im going crazy. The third attempt is jumping. Sounds easy enough. I think pride is behind all of this. In my mind she is the one at fault but in hers Im the antagonist. Things will never be the same again and I know suicide is never the way but its the best option thus far,I just have to stop being scared all the time and do the deed. I doubt Ill ever stop being scared.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 20:15:52 +0000