Shelley Berman used to deliver this speech at the end of his nightclub act. Ive always found it beautiful, fascinating, and way over the top. Like a lot of Bermans comedy, the speech is almost too personal, too vulnerable, building to a compelling final thought that would seem like tongue-in-cheek satire -- a parody of precious, ingratiating performers -- if Berman were not so painfully, hilariously sincere. Via the LP Edge of Shelley Berman, Ive listened to this speech hundreds of times since childhood, and can recite it verbatim: I want to thank you. But how the hell do I thank you? Im a comedian. Im a performer by compulsion. Im not doing this because I elect to do so. I have to be in front of you. Im a natural born showoff. For you to give me the opportunity to ply my trade is sufficient favor for me to regard a perfunctory thank-you as simply inadequate. But to make a big speech is a problem, too, because I have flaws in that particular area of my existence. I have been, in this short time -- and it has been a short time -- but since being in show business, which has become a kind of dirty word for some reason, I have developed little ways of ingratiating myself to you. Thats the business. Little tricks that I use to win your love, so if you dont like the act, at least youll like me. See what I mean -- its a security kind of thing. So, frankly speaking, the act is strewn with several tiny little lies. So I have gotten to the point where so help me god, I dont know whether Im talking sincerely to you or whether Im conning the hell out of you. Ill have to use logic. You dont need me. But I sure as hell need you. Thats a stinking situation. Its one-sided. But you can get along without me. You can laugh without me. You can think of something funny and laugh, read something funny, say something funny, hear it, all by yourself, and you can laugh, laugh, laugh. You can even exercise laugh muscles and laugh. You can go, Ha, ha, ho, ho, hee, hee -- you do it long enough, pretty soon youll be laughing wildly, and theyll come and theyll take you away, but you have to laugh. Right into the truck and off to the funny harm, without my help, you see? But I cant be funny without you. Alone, Im not funny. In my bathroom, for example, where Im as alone as I can be, Im not funny. I may look a little strange, but Im not funny. So heres the logic. Heres the logic. If Im not funny alone, if I have been funny tonight, then it must be because of you. Now, thats the logic, and theres no other conclusion, people. Its not patronizing. Its a fact. If Im not funny alone, if Ive been funny tonight, then you are the reason, and thats all there is to it. Your response, your attention -- even, at times, scorn or indifference. All of this is integrated into this material, and its far more important than the lines. The lines are negligible. I could say these lines from now until next year; if you werent here they wouldnt mean a thing. So together, we did it. And I cant, in all sincerity, thank you for being a good audience, because in essence you were not an audience. Youve been a hell of an act, and I am deeply beholden to you. Goodnight.
Posted on: Wed, 10 Dec 2014 15:39:19 +0000
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