Since I posted something yesterday with a tone generally unfavorable to the dental profession, my son, Brett, reminded me of an email I sent years ago to family and friends. Seems Ive inflicted a modicum of pain on them as well: Three disparate items: Item #1: I have a new pair of tennis shoes and Ive been wearing them this week. Nothing in particular was wrong with my several pairs of old ones, except that they apparently stink. Debbie tells me from time to time: Honey, you need to move your shoes further away from the bed. They really smell bad. They dont bother me. I cant smell. I was born that way. My new tennis shoes are Skechers. They have really deep treads. I think I could walk straight up a glacier sprayed with WD-40, the treads are so deep. Traction! Item #2: I recently traded my trusty Ford F-150 in for a new Toyota Tundra. I take Brianna and her friends to camp in it each morning, and sometimes they comment that my truck smells new. I dont know what new smells like, because I cant smell. I just take their word for it. Item #3: Debbie has a dental insurance plan that allows us to have our teeth cleaned for nearly free every six months. I have a wonderful job that allows me to make my own schedule, but sometimes I get too busy for things like dental appointments. The last five have been cancelled. I decided to keep todays. I was afraid my mouth might start smelling bad. It wouldnt bother me, of course, but, being attuned to Debbie’s sensitivities..….. Now, here is how these three disparate items tied together today: My dentist appointment was at 11:00 this morning. Since a job is necessary to support my familys lavish lifestyle, a very demanding job, I got up early and bid as many jobs as possible prior to my appointment, arriving at the dentists office fashionably late. I drove my new Tundra. I wore my new tennis shoes. My dentist’s new dental hygienist is young, pretty, competent and very pleasant. She was having a problem with her nose, though. Ten minutes into her cleaning procedure, she excused herself, saying she had to go itch her nose. She was from Tennessee. In Tennessee, they itch what other regions of the country scratch. When she came back, she was wearing a thicker mask. The cotton on her other mask, she explained, was very loose and tickled her nose. A few minutes later, I noticed that her eyes were watering, and she adjusted the strap on her mask to make it tighter. Her nose seemed to be twitching beneath the mask. She was unflappably cheery, however, and for this, I will admire her forever. I assumed that some strong odor might possibly be emanating from the pumice powder she was using to reduce the thickness of my teeth, but with a garden hose in one side of my mouth, a vacuum cleaner sucking out the other side, and a Black and Decker grinder in between removing my enamel, I couldn’t address her problem verbally. All finished, with fresh, clean teeth and a bright smile, I squared up my co-pay with the receptionist and strode out to my new Tundra, in my new Skechers, having only wasted 45 minutes of my valuable day. I opened my Tundras door and was appalled--repelled and confounded! My floor mat looked as though a diarrhetic dog had spent the past hour scooching around on his butt, and I knew immediately the “new car smell” had been compromised. How could a dog have gotten into my truck, I thought. (Debbie sometimes says I have a tendency to be oblivious, but I quickly figured out that a diarrhetic dog would never have thought to re-lock my doors upon leaving.) No, there must be another explanation. Investigative genius that I am, I thought to check the really-deep treads of my new Skechers and discovered that every really-deep tread was oozing the same putrid substance that now plastered my new Tundras floor mats. Looking back, I saw that every step from the dentists office had deposited a sizeable quantity of the same doggy goo. I can only imagine how much doberman poop must have attached itself to the foot rest of my dentists chair. Enough remained in my really-deep Skechers treads to fill a Great Danes Alpo bowl. Ill ask Brianna Monday if my truck still smells new. The next dentist appointment is Debbies. Im sure theyll be eagerly awaiting her.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 23:02:39 +0000
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