Smashing the mystery parkrun code With our normal report writers taking a couple of weeks off feeling frosty from the icy blasts received in Bramhall recently it was important for report duties to be allocated a safe pair of hands …..so a mission was set for a Martian from outer space; with no preconceived ideas about Bramhall parkrun, we asked him to visit today, to record his experience and to track down the mystery parkrun ‘code’ which fuels our ethos and success. It’s an interesting perspective which took me a while to understand…… I went to a park on Earth. Copious clothing was removed and used to cover up trees where canines relieve themselves in the week and an earth person called Paul Hawkins ran up a hill, around a pond and through some woods…twice. He crossed a line 418 earth people before the last one to cross the line; even though there was not a line anywhere to be seen. Time seemed to matter and it was only 17 minutes 20 seconds from the moment people hit their hands together and ‘go’ was shouted until the moment the earth person called Paul came back, closely followed by Kevin Acton and Dean Matkin. After they had started walking again many earthlings chatted with others before clearing up some colourful plastic things that were placed on the ground to decorate the park. Some other earth people said Paul was not a normal human being, although he looked like one….maybe he was hiding a clue to the secret code? Most of the 418 earth people following Paul didn’t seem keen to accompany him and most preferred to run well behind and some for twice as long. Many received congratulations and shouts of well done when they stopped running. I wondered why they started running if they were congratulated for stopping. Most enjoyed stopping, they had a smile on their faces. A type of earth person with longer hair crossed the line and started walking again. The earth person called Jennie Pickard followed by Janine and Natasha Moore were applauded for being the first three of this type. For clarity, this type of person does not require longer hair but most had evidence of it. I have been very fond of this type since as a little alien I was told bedtime stories about them peeling potatoes with knives. Those with longer hair that did not start walking again first, second or third were applauded even more. In fact, the later the longer haired people crossed the line the more they were applauded. Indeed some runners ran for over 40 minutes which was more than twice as good as Paul managed. They appeared to receive kudos for winning this contest, but I could not be sure. Most earth people wore white, many wore black, some red and lots green. It seemed there may be clues in these colours….many of those wearing green ran together. Some wore a plastic item on their wrists and appeared to press it as they passed near to the imaginary line. On the hill an earth person called Graham shouted numbers whilst looking at a device. Sometimes he made runners look happy and sometimes he made them look mad. Maybe these numbers were the happy pills that earth people are now commonly enjoying or perhaps they contained the mystery parkrun code that I had heard was necessary to make people feel good. It was not clear what the attractions of this parkrun activity were, apart from a slippery bridge which was indicated clearly with a big bright sign. Runners were urged to slow down to admire it properly. A tour guide called Chris carrying a red flag came by on a strict schedule with a keen group of followers. He seemed to hold some runners under his spell….maybe he knows the code? Most runners ran the same route twice before crossing the imaginary line. Someone said that they then disappeared down a funnel but I did not see one. An earth person called Steve shouted at everyone to stay in a funnel. I still did not see one and I don’t think some earth people did either. Then I witnessed some suspicious behaviour, as most people collected a piece of plastic with some lines on it from Martin who said ‘well done’ Most then found a bigger piece of paper in their pockets with lines on it. Did this hold the secret parkrun code? Everywhere there was a cartoon type drawing of candyfloss on a stick with a large bite missing. It was displayed on clothing, on the plastic things handed out by Martin, and there it was again on an i-phone case. I wondered why earth people worry about little green men taking over as it crossed my mind that earth people were being brainwashed and conditioned to stop running, look happy and wear pictures of partially eaten candyfloss by some greater force? Alas, further investigations concluded that even if a code existed it did not seem necessary to enforce as everyone was having a good time. Running earthlings all did as they wished in a way that they wished and they were all very happy unless they ran a little too fast or a little bit slower than they wanted to. No being was forced to rush their run like Paul, who could only manage to run for 17 minutes or to run as long as those who could keep going for over 40 minutes. In short, the earthlings ran for as long as was best for them, even though most wanted to run quicker and get back to walking. But what about the code? It was time to use my extra-terrestrial special vision spectacles to find an answer and there it was, as clear as day, the Holy Grail, the Golden Nugget as they say in these parts. The parkrun code I was searching for was imprinted in each of them….every earthling complied from within and needed no rules or principles to do so….this mystery code was every beings individual DNA. The last run report intelligently detailed how all earth people receive something different from parkrun and quoted ‘Victory, the real victory, is what is deep down inside each one of us’ and now we know what this means. Winners are those that benefit from parkrun for their own individual reasons. There was evidence that the genuine candyfloss eaters understand this and take great care not to challenge views but to embrace difference….indeed they provide, from their HQ, some useful tools to help running earthlings be themselves and capture a magnificent spirit; For example, some earthlings I met were keen to see a list of how many times they had received pieces of plastic from Martin. When they had received 100 pieces they were given a black mark against their name. But this is not bad or elitist, it is encouraged and rewarded with a running shirt to brand them as winners and today I was warmed in a fluffy earthling kind of way to witness Des Miles receive plastic for the 100th time and Raul Grimley for the 150th. Three other regulars celebrated 600 pieces of plastic between them today…… but……. despite 376 of these being collected at this park they were spotted elsewhere refuelling with cake; such is the forgiving nature of Bramhall park runners I was told that these earthlings will be allowed back. Most but not all earth people try to be quicker than they have ever been before. It seemed this was known strangely as a PB. Today there were 53 who complied including particularly good ones from Phil Heaword, Alex McFarlane, Tim Marsh and Neil Harvey. The golden couple of the moment who are not a couple to my knowledge are called Gaz & Aeronwy. They obtain PB’s most weeks and they didn’t let anyone down again today. All of these earthlings are denoted on a list and are held up for all to see as winners. Others like to see a record of who crossed the imaginary line in 416th place, 77th place or 98th place. They even want to see the name of the earthling in 1st place and this person is known officially as the ‘first finisher’. A list is sent out weekly with the earthling who finished first at the top of the list and the one who finished last at the bottom; interestingly the candyfloss eaters don’t use the alphabet to order the earthlings like they do in their school registers, telephone directories and dictionaries. Many earth people appeared keen to have their name at the top of this list, or to have their name above a friends and consequently many battled amongst each other to achieve it. On earth this is called a race. First finishers are ‘lauded’ by HQ as evidenced by a list of the number of times they have been a first finisher.......it seems they must be important to the candyfloss eaters. An earthling called Rob has been a first finisher 97 times. These earthlings are also winners, as they have ‘beaten’ everyone else to the finish; whether everyone was trying to be first finisher or not is irrelevant. They are the fastest and it seems to make sense that this is celebrated. Some earthlings ran as families. Running together seems to make families very proud of one another and even as an alien I can relate to this feeling. Although not a runner my father was a famous inventor in the 1970’s, see the link at the end of this report for a video he made for earthlings. So everyone is happy…..almost……. what about poor Paul, Kevin, Dean, Jennie, Janine and Natasha….I heard that today they had ‘raced’ to ‘win’ a podium but alas it appeared that someone had forgotten to bring it, they received nothing. Sadly they had no-one to shout ‘well done’ to them as they crossed the line as all of the other running earthlings were still in the woods. But they perhaps didn’t deserve applause as they did not achieve running for very long; I cannot understand why they did not at least try and run for longer then they could cross the line a bit later ensuring that lots more earthlings could be there to offer them deserved applause! Unless of course they just wanted to win…..in their own….. but no less important way. A Martian Somewhere ‘Off the planet’
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 07:51:21 +0000
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