So, I had a hard time at work today. Anxiety is not something I can control, I do things that help with my anxiety and may help me avoid a panic/anxiety situation, but this is never going away! Mental illness is chronic and recurring. Even when I am not suffering from symptoms, I still have anxiety, I can treat it but not cure it. I may go weeks without any symptoms and then have a panic attack one day and suffer symptoms for weeks afterwards. I work really hard to treat my illness, I take medication, I try to sleep and eat right, I just stopped seeing a therapist (she had a baby and left private practice). Do people think it is fun to experience this? It hurts, it is scary, hardly anyone understands or is empathetic or even takes you seriously, it is frustrating, it is physically and mentally draining, it is embarrassing, it is confusing, and I hate it. I hate being a grown woman that cries, and cant control my emotions, I hate that I have obsessive thoughts and compulsions, and that I have panic attacks. Panic attacks are the worse things ever, hyperventilating and extreme fear that you dont understand are the most ridiculously unbearable experiences. Having to explain over and over again to people what you are going through, because you dont have physically apparent symptoms (throwing up, sores, etc) and then fearing that they just think you are overreacting anyway or trying to get attention or whatever... when you are just scared or in pain or pretty much losing your mind against your will.... is horrible. Emotional expression is not always avoidable. How many times do I have to tell people?!? I am so tired of this, so frustrated. I hate how my mind works. I want to be normal I want to function at work and not break down... all the time. I want to turn my emotions off and not feel anything, so that I can force a smile and not cry when someone snaps at me. I want to be able to not have panic attacks when I dont take medication. I want to be healthy, emotionally and physically. I want to not have to work so hard to keep it together. I want to stop being an unmanagable burden to everyone and stop losing friends because they cant handle my emotional crap. I want to be loveable and fun and light up a room.... and not get on eveyones nerves. I hate being the way I am... sometimes I just want to run away and hide... why should people love me? What is to love? I am just so tired. Oh and by the way, if you dont want to read stuff like this or my emotional baggage gets on your nerves, you can go ahead and unfriend me. This is a part of me and I am not going to bottle it up until it explodes and I kill myself from all the preasure. That is why I used to cut myself, I was trying to hide my phychological problems and I had no one to talk to. Also, if you think that mental illness is not a serious medical disorder that is just as real as diabetes or asthma... you are wrong. If they made inhalers for panic attack induced hyperventilating or a shot that stopped adrenaline from causing a panic reaction... I bet I could get a perscription for it.
Posted on: Fri, 07 Nov 2014 21:43:42 +0000