So I have been asked on more then one occasion what it truly feels like to be empathetic or what is it like to have PTSD and ADD... I often times sigh or try to give a quick answer cause a part of me knows they will never truly understand what it feels like. And more then often people will judge what they dont fully understand.. I have often tried to explain what it feels like to have time distortion issues, struggles with organization... Or what it feels like when things get totally a mess, or what it feels like to be a truly empathetic person and feeling others feelings sometimes more then my own. when people ask me and I try to explain the reply I usually get sounds like oh I could never live like that or is that even real Being empathetic or having PTSD was not a choice! As well as ADD/OCD! I have been told to get over it so often, as if it were that easy! As if the physical make up of my brain ( the fact that my frontal lobe is smaller then a neurotypical one and is under stimulated) is somehow a character flaw. Let me be clear: I do not choose to be empathetic... I dont choose to have my organization issue... Or be too focused one minute and another be unfocused or forgetfull! Yes Im fully aware that it is difficult to have a relationship with me (related... Friends....romance or acquaintance) YOU wanna know whats even harder?!?! BEING ME!!!!!!! Having ADD means realizing with a knot in my stomach that i missed an appointment or im late... Or didnt call someone because 3 or 4 hours went by and my brain only registered 1 hour! It also means the 5 alarms I had set to remind me time was passing went unnoticed because I was hyper focused on the task at hand! It means constantly being frustrated that another organizational system has failed. It means setting alarms... Writing notes... To do list and still forgetting to do something I promised ! It means sinking into depression and wanting to never speak to anyone again because I fear so much that I will disappoint them... Not myself but them (this is also part empathy) It means waking up with this knot of fear in my stomach that I heather dean might let someone down today!!!! It means profound guilt as I realize at the end of the day that despite my massive efforts....I still let someone down! It means losing track of conversations mid way and trying to fill in the blanks. It means laying awake most of the nights with insomnia borne from worried thoughts which swirl around in my head! All demanding attention! It means constant self flagellation. It means getting thick skin cause people lose patience with ME and cross me off of their friend list!!! My PTSD and empathetic nature also means Ive had a lifetime of practice in seeing that silver lining! It means I have some problem solving skills. It means I will look for even the tinniest thing to smile bout. It means if your my friend then you accept ME! It means Im generous! It means Im willing to fall a million times and still I dust myself off and try again! It means I have an infinite capacity for love and forgiveness!!! Because I know all too well what it feels like to be shut out,judged and found lacking!!! I would love to have that magical power... Of get over it or snap outta it....my life would be so much easier!!!! My add, empathy, PTSD... Isnt physically visible.... But it is a physical difference in my brain!!! Its not goin to go away... No matter how irritated you are as u tell me to try a little harder or set a reminder, or tell me that im not doing things exactly how you think i should or a lil different then how i said (again part of ADD causes me to get side tracked do you rember the dog in the movie up .......squirrel!) It is not a choice!!! You wouldnt tell someone in a wheelchair to just try harder to walk, just to go and use willpower and discipline because their paralysis is not really a thing... Why on earth do u think its ok to tell me the same thing!!! Invisible illness are far from invisible from those who live with them! Just because you can not see PTSD, empathy, ADD, ADHD, depression ,anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome,(just to name a few invisible illness) doesnt mean they are imagined! Learn to show compassion, love and forgiveness for the inconvenience they are causing you!!! I can promise you that the carriers of these conditions are not throwing a party a your expense!!!! I know you must remember everything... And you must be extremely orgainized! For this I clap my hands to you!!! Really I do I can only imagine what it feels like to have those superhuman skills!!!! But as for me I cant always get through what is on my to do list, i get side tracked when im cleaning, i forget dates and times, i dont always remember where i put my damn keys (I swear I stuck them on the kitchen counter) I know how frustrating this must make you! Im sorry I really am!!!
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 19:03:58 +0000
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