So, its almost December 1st. Thanksgiving has just passed, Christmas is next. My 8th, without JJ. Im not sure how to describe the feelings that I have, but I feel like I have reached the final stage of the grief process. Acceptance. I used to be so terrified of that word, acceptance. Imagining my acceptance of something so horrible, has been emotionally crushing and it has been a source of paralyzing fear, for many years. How in the world is a Mother supposed to EVER accept the fact that her child is never coming back, will never occupy that empty chair at the dinner table, will never again open another gift next to the Christmas tree? Will never again hear his laugh, see his smile, will never again give him a hug…..I mean, really. I have fought mightily against this acceptance. I have been warring against it with everything that I have, heels dug in and have refused to EVER entertain the thought of acceptance. As if, accepting acceptance were somehow giving in, letting grief win, or WORSE, acceptance meant that I was giving up on my child. As a human being with an earthly, pitiful mind, its very hard to look past current surroundings, its hard to see the truly temporal aspects of everyday life, when as humans we are so immersed in this world and are so absorbed by every aspect of it, every day. Its hard to grasp the epic realities and the vastness of eternity, when all that we know from every day experiences, lies here. As a Christian and one who believes in the Word of God, I know that there is SO much more to our lives, than this flash in time, the disappearing vapors that we are while we are here….and so maybe knowing that we are eternal, spiritual beings who are occupying frail, weak and destructible human bodies, is what has possibly played a big role in my reaching this acceptance of JJ not being on this earthly plane with me anymore. Who knows…. It is so hard to admit, but I did not think of him while we were at the Thanksgiving table this year. I became panicked when the day was coming to a close and I realized that I did not think of him ONE time. There were no tears, no regrets, there was no bargaining with God, there was no guilt, I didnt feel empty, like a part of me was missing. There was no anxiety, no restlessness, no wishing that it would just be over so that I could rush home and retreat back into my comfortable, protective shell. I was able to talk, laugh, enjoy company and was blissfully unaware, in a place where I have been painfully aware of his absence, for every holiday (and every day) since our last Christmas together in 2006. I admit this with eyes filled with tears, in part because I feel like as his Mother, there should NEVER, EVER be a day that goes by where I dont feel the sting of his absence, and so accepting acceptance as part of my grief process is a sign that I have failed in preserving his memory in my heart. But as a Christian with hope, I also feel that God has been faithfully working quietly and consistently through all of the noise, the anger, depression, the turmoil and the debilitating realities of my every day grief, to repair this seemingly irreparable, and completely shattered heart. Proof I guess, that there really is no pain that is too great, that His love and Grace, cannot restore. To be clear, this is NOT the normal that I want for myself. Of course I will never stop wishing that he was still here with me. What makes my acceptance even more amazing (if thats what you want to call it) is that God gave me ONE child to love, not two, three or four…..no child can be replaced, of course, but I didnt have a reason to keep living when my sole reason was taken from me after 19 precious years. There were no more ballgames, no phone calls, no conversations, there will be no college graduations, a marriage, a daughter in law to love, no (biological) grandchildren to hold. So, my reality in this loss is different than a lot of other parents. The fact that I was able to get through a major holiday without coming even remotely close to having a meltdown, has got to mean that I have somehow turned a corner, and have achieved the once impossibly-unachievable. Maybe I will be ok after all, and I have actually survived what the evil one meant for my complete destruction. Because of the Mercy of Christ, and despite the everyday battles and struggles that have almost destroyed me since June of 2007, I feel like I have reached this place for a far greater purpose than I can understand. I cant say that I look forward to the remainder of my days without JJ, but I CAN say that I can imagine them, without feeling like someone is twisting a dagger in the deepest part of my heart. As crazy as this sounds, there is finally less bitter, and a little more sweet. And for that, I praise Jesus:)
Posted on: Sun, 30 Nov 2014 02:35:51 +0000
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