Solutions for Children not co-operating - Problem Solving NOT consequences 1. Let your child solve it. You havent brushed your teeth yet and I want to be sure we have time for a story. What can we do? Its amazing how children step into responsibility when we offer it. They love to help, and to solve puzzles. Sometimes they just need a little respect. 2. Partner for Win/win solutions. If your child doesnt offer a solution that works for you, explain why and help her come up with one. You think you should just skip brushing teeth tonight? Hmm...that doesnt work for me because your poor teeth would stay germy and they could get tiny holes in them. What else could we do to get your teeth brushed and time for a story? Want to put your pjs on, and then brush? Once your child believes that youre serious about win/win solutions, shes much more likely to work with you to find a solution that works for everyone. 3. Invite cooperation with your phrasing. Consider the difference in these approaches: Go brush your teeth now. - Since no one likes to be told what to do, a direct order like this often invites resistance, either direct or in the form of stalling. Can you go brush your teeth now? - Many kids will reflect on this and just say No. Dont phrase your request in the form of a yes or no question unless youre willing to accept No for an answer. Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on? - This strategy works because you’re extending your child the respect of giving him some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as his parent. Only offer options you can live with, of course. You may brush your teeth now. - Almost sounds like a privilege, doesnt it? This is a command, but a respectful, calming one. Works especially well with kids who are over-stimulated by bedtime and overwhelmed by choices. 4. Ask for a Do-over. Oops. I told you to brush your teeth and you ignored me and then I started to yell. Im sorry. Lets try a do-over. This is a great way to interrupt things when youre headed down a bad road. Get down on your childs level and make a warm connection. Look in her eyes. Touch her. Ok, lets try this again, Sweetie. Its teeth brushing time! How can we work as a team here to get those germs off your teeth? 5. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Before transitions, give ample warning AND spend a few minutes connecting with your child. Think about what usually triggers problems for your child and take pre-emptive action. Always leave extra time to get anything done that your child usually resists, so youre relaxed. Sidestep power struggles in general, so shes more likely to cooperate when you really need her to. 6. When your child defies you, focus on the relationship, rather than on discipline. A good relationship is your foundation; guidance doesnt work without it because your child stops caring about pleasing you. A child who is rude is either very upset, or expressing her need for a better relationship with you. n either case, consequences will make the situation worse. Im not suggesting you put up with rudeness, just that you see it as a red flag to do some repair work on the relationship. 7. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate. A one year old needs a baby-proofed house, not to learn by consequences how to leave the DVD player alone. A four year old needs your help to get through the bedtime routine, not to lose reading time with you when he gets distracted and dawdles. A ten year old needs your help to make the homework routine into a habit that works for him, not to lose his TV privileges. (Although letting kids watch TV during the week will almost certainly lower their grades. But thats a lifestyle choice, not a punishment.) 8. Get to the root of the problem. Usually when kids defy us, theyre asking for help with their emotions. Youll know this is happening when your child seems unhappy and is making you unhappy; when whatever you try just doesnt work. At those times, your child is showing you that he has some big feelings he needs to express, and he needs your help. He may be angry, or afraid, or sad. He may just need to cry. So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences. This is a red flag that he needs your help. Connect with him, restate your limit, and let him have his meltdown. After your child gets a chance to show you all those feelings hes been holding down, youll find him much more cooperative. 9. Engage the brain. When humans are upset, our brains dont work as well because fight or flight takes over and thinking stops. Start by taking a deep breath and calming your own emotions, to signal to your child that it isnt an emergency. Then connect warmly with your child so she feels safe again. That moves out of fight or flight, so she can think again. Finally, invite her brain to engage by helping her understand whats happening: You are so upset. You were having so much fun playing with Daddy. Then he told you to go brush your teeth. You were mad, right? ...... Then Daddy said No story tonight. Right? .... Now you are sad and mad.... I am right here. I love you. Daddy loves you. Daddy was upset, too, but now he is here to hug you. ... Lets find a way that we can all have a good evening and feel good when we tuck you in to bed. Maybe we all need a Do-Over? This builds emotional intelligence in your child -- and in your partner. And even if it doesnt get you all on the same page, at least it gets you into the same book! 10. Use natural consequences. Im not suggesting that you move heaven and earth to protect your child from the natural outcome of his choices. We all need to learn lessons, and if your child can do so without too much damage, life is a great teacher. (Meaning, you wont let him get a concussion to teach him to wear his bike helmet.) But youll want to make sure these are actually natural consequences that your child doesnt perceive as punishment so they dont trigger all the negative effects of punishment. Whats more, youll want to be sure that your child is convinced that you arent orchestrating the consequence and are firmly on his side, so you dont undermine your relationship with him. Consider the difference in these approaches: Of course I will bring your lunch to the school, Sweetie. I dont want you to be hungry. But try to remember it tomorrow. - Child may or may not remember his lunch tomorrow. There is no harm in doing this once or even twice, if you can do it easily. We all have forgotten things like lunches, and it is not a sign that your child will be irresponsible for life. But it is a signal that you need to help your child with self-organization strategies. Im certainly not going to drop everything to bring you your lunch. I hope this will teach you a lesson. - Child will probably learn to remember his lunch. BUT he concludes that parent doesnt care about him, and becomes less cooperative at home. (And as my teenager says, I would never ask a parent like that for help when I really needed it.) Ok, I will bring your lunch but this is absolutely the last time. You would forget your head if it werent glued on and dont expect me to always drop everything to bail you out. - Child does not learn to remember lunch but does learn that he is a forgetful person who irritates his parent. In the future, he acts in accordance with this expectation. Im so sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but it doesnt work for me to bring it to you. I hope you wont starve and I will have a snack waiting when you get home. - Child learns to remember lunch AND feels cared about AND self image stays intact. Retraining yourself can be tough. But as Becky Eanes says, just throw the word consequences out of your vocabulary and replace it with problem-solving. Youll be amazed at the miracles you can make. (Ahhaa Parenting)
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:25:06 +0000
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