Some of you may know me well enough to know, and some may have seen me post about it a little bit here, but I have bouts with depression from time to time. I was diagnosed by a medical doctor back in 2004, a particularly bad year for me. Prior to that a former fiancée had told me she suspected I suffered from some sort of depression issues, but I was very defensive and denied that I could EVER have depression. Since that time Ive been able to manage it and have been placed on anti depressants from time to time. I try to get down here to Mexico in the winters to avoid the seasonal sunlight thing but it still gets me sometimes, and while the holidays dont quite send me into a tailspin, they can sure be a little difficult. For quite some time now, and definitely since my mother passed away in 2010, Ive preferred to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. Friends and even some family have invited me to spend those holidays with their families and when Ive tried that Ive felt more like an outsider encroaching on someone elses celebration, which has caused me to feel even more sad and lonely, in spite of being around people that I know honestly care about me. It truly is not them, its me. Im a bit of an introvert, too, so it just intensifies my feelings of loss and loneliness, which I hardly ever feel at any other time of year. So Id just rather be alone and remember all the wonderful holidays and reflect on the year that has passed and the future to come. Last year it was my new sister in law who invited me to come spend Christmas with their family because she didnt want me to be alone. This year a friend down here in Mexico asked me to come celebrate with his family. I felt really badly because I just couldnt go. I hope they werent insulted by my decision to stay at home. In this case it really IS me, its not you wonderful people who love me and want me to be happy this time of year. Trust me, I am happy and I dont feel lonely the way that I live. Sometimes I want to say, Im not anti-social, just a-social sometimes. Im good, the depression is under control, and Im, for the most part, a very happy guy living a very lucky life that Im extremely grateful for. I love every one of you and hope you have a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that, if you have a friend like me who goes through issues like this, maybe reading about my experiences will help you understand them a little better, too.
Posted on: Fri, 26 Dec 2014 18:22:51 +0000
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