Sorry for being long-winded, but this one I had to share. I decided to break the monotony of the three-day weekend yesterday by getting what I thought would be a nice relaxing massage. Upon scouring the internet and coming across many more erotic massages than legitimate ones, I finally found a seemingly decent place called China Spa. It was one metro stop away and I made a 5:30pm reservation for a “Chinese back massage.” I got off the metro and had walked longer than the internet map led me to believe when I realized I was nearly right back to my apartment. Nice... Turned around and eventually got to the place about 15 mins late. I’m brought to a changing room and am told to put on a robe, a little thong underwear kind of thing, and a pair of slippers. I’m then led to a bathroom area, take a shower, and then enter a tiny little sauna just big enough for the 1’x3’ bench I sat on. There was a 20-minute timer on the wall, some melodic Chinese music playing in the background, and my tea. I spent most of my time in there staring at the wall and watching the timer count down to zero as I drank my tea…which, with each successive sip, burned my fingers, lips and tongue just a little bit more. Near the end of the 20 minutes, that melodic Chinese music wasn’t so melodic anymore as the sweat was pouring non-stop down my face, and off my nose into my tea cup each time I tried taking a sip. Nice… The timer mercifully went off after what seemed like an eternity and I got the heck out. I rinsed off again, put on my robe and thong and slippers, and was led to the massage room by my masseuse--an unassuming, young, fairly attractive Chinese woman taller than me by a couple inches. She puts a sheet over the massage table, rips a hole in it for my head, and tells me to lie down. She then proceeds to push her fingers as hard as she possibly can into my back. I think at one point she actually came close to touching the front side of my ribs. Nice… After some increasingly intense “massaging,” she then proceeds to hit me. My head was in that dang hole so I couldn’t see a thing, but it felt like her forearms were coming down onto my back with more force than humanly possible. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been hit that hard. Ever. All the while, I’m grimacing like there’s no tomorrow and trying to be manly by resisting the urge to tell her to ease up. I was actually slobbering a little bit and was just about to give up and blurt out MERCY!, when she suddenly left the room. I tried to collect my thoughts as best I could and comprehend what the heck had just transpired. I’ve never had a Chinese massage before, but this couldn’t be normal, could it? After a couple minutes, I heard loud footsteps heading my way….shit, shes back. She began round two by proceeding to tuck me under the entire sheet, kind of like she was placing me into a body bag. She then stands up on the massage table and starts walking on me. Not normal walking though, more like stomping on grapes at a wine festival after a few drinks. I grimace and bear it for another 20 minutes and at last she says it’s over. Hallelujah, Praise ye the Lord! After I’m all dressed, I walk out to the lobby and am served some tea. My masseuse is standing next to the cashier, perhaps her mother, and they watch me drink my tea and ask if I enjoyed my rest. I politely say yes. Hahaha. After each couple of sips of tea, my masseuse quickly comes over to pour me more. Once I’m done, I pay the bill, leave a tip(?!), and then am escorted by the masseuse up the flight of stairs and out of the building, presumably to make sure I don’t drop dead on the way out. I say goodbye and head home, thankful to still be alive.
Posted on: Mon, 13 Oct 2014 12:08:24 +0000
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