Surrealisms: Thing 1 (formerly an adventure inside my head, but hey, no one reads these anyways.) A Half Hour of Hell My internet has just recently died, for reasons I cannot ascertain. It is my fear that the sudden drought of information streaming may go on indefinitely, as I have hit the diagnose button on my router several times to no avail, and am now left with little choice but to try and wait out the silence. I am writing this message in a word document, in the hopes that I may make it through this experience with my mind intact, or, if I do not, that someone will find this next to my decaying corpse and post it for me, as a warning to all the other infophytes out there of the dangers of internet misuse... This is a log of my experience, in as effective a detail as I can provide during however long the time frame may go. If, by some horrific circumstance, I should meet my untimely demise during this blackout, I ask that you study my thoughts and actions carefully, and use the data provided to prevent further loss of life or sanity. Minute 1 - began pacing furiously, shortness of breath and sudden increase of sensitivity to light. Darkened windows and attempted to formulate a plan of action for worst case scenario. Minute 3 - Experienced tight pains in chest and sudden onslaught of brain cramps: possible tumor developing in cerebral cortex or ocular area. Heart rate up to 120 beats per minute resting, but optimistic about future. Decided on communiqué to future generations in hopes of preventing similar disasters later on. Congratulated myself on doing something selfless, although there was no way to go online to boast of my accomplishment, so the lauding went unappreciated. Minute 5 - Took a selfie, and was horrified to notice signs of decay around the facial features; rapid aging, sudden and intense weight gain, and bloodshot eyes indicate lack of nourishment, both for the mind and body. Minute 6 - Went foraging for food in the nearest refrigerator, only to discover my supplies had been exhausted. For lack of better nutrients, ate a raw egg and some mustard, followed by my last can of Diet Coke. Possibly the last can Ill ever have. Noticed some moldy string cheese at the bottom of the crisper; will save for future consumption, if it comes to it. Minute 7 - Hallucinations began: Phone rings but no one answers, a hairless dwarf dances naked in my bathroom for no apparent reason, the flowers on my desktop background start waving at me with human hands... I wave back. They mock me: Their fingers look just like the internet strength icon on my toolbar. Minute 9 - Funny noises emanating from outside my apartment; I risk opening the door only to find myself severely blinded. My eyes may never recover from the trauma, although several seconds of looking at my computer screen has allowed their focus to readjust. I fear, however, that the resolution may never be as crisp as it used to. Minute 10 - Began foraging for food again, but aside from the moldy string cheese, my options are limited. Can of diet coke long since emptied, I now find myself at risk of dying of both thirst and hunger, unless madness sets in and I do myself irreparable harm. Minute 13 - Cannot remember when my last entry was... mind is getting fuzzy, and the hallucinations are growing stronger. A tall, dark man in a beard and hat stands over my shoulder. I look over my shoulder and he isnt there, but I see his reflection in my computer screen. He stands next to me, and his hat grows ever taller. Vision beginning to fade, but my determination remains firm. I WILL survive this ordeal. I must, if only to serve as a warning to the rest of the world. Minute14 - Scraped the mold off my string cheese and deposited in a damp plastic shopping bag, then consumed. With luck, I will be able to grow mushrooms in the mold and stave off starvation for a bit longer. Hallucinations beginning to fade, thankfully. Minute 15 - Discovered bottle of cherry cough syrup in the medicine cabinet. It has served to quench my thirst, but the hallucinations have come back, stronger than ever. A vampire goat bleats at me from across the hall, but there is no hall in my apartment! When will this nightmare end? Minute 16 - I stabbed myself in the leg with a fork, to remind myself that I could feel: That I was, in fact, still human. Unfortunately, the fork was resting atop the open bag of string cheese mold, and I fear I have infected myself with something dreadful. I wish to look up my expected symptoms on webMD, but alas, my internet still taunts me with its absence. Minute 19 - Hallucinations gone completely, replaced with a yellow glow surrounding the edges of my eyes. I can feel myself growing weak, from lack of food and drink, and my bed looks so inviting. I must sleep, if only for a bit. Just for a bit... The light grows dim. Am I writing? My computer screen is blank, an expressionless face with no soul. Minute 22 - Awoke in my bed, with no memories of how I got there. I fear I may have become possessed by my madness and forced to commit some atrocity, but I have no way of knowing... Minute 23 - Checked the internet strength icon, and saw a bar light up! Still no connection, but I sense the tide is turning in my favor. My brave computer struggles to reconnect me with reality, so I must continue the struggle to survive until then! But Im so hungry, and so thirsty... I pray I can hold out, for just a little bit longer... Minute 26 - Ages passed an still no sign of internet strength... I fear my hopes were based on a false alarm. I hold my moldy fork in my hand, and consider ending it all... Minute 28 - Gangrene beginning to set in from fork wound. The Naked Dwarf still dancing in my bathroom: wasnt a hallucination?... but it no longer matters. My world is ending... Minute 29 - On the brink of despair, Hope! Two bars have appeared in my internet strength, and my browser icon spins doggedly in search of civilization! I must hold out, if only for a few more moments! Minute 30 - Must reload page! I cannot take it anymore! Goodbye, cruel world! Minute 31 - Neck sore from where I stabbed myself with fork, but otherwise okay. Tried reloading browser, and I was awarded with the bare bones of a website I could not recognize. Flash content would not load, but I saw words and colors: A good sign. Minute 32 - Attempted to investigate outside again and, fool that I was, was awarded once again with temporary blindness. Back in the safety of my recliner, with sunglasses on for good measure. Minute 33 - Success!! Full content downloaded! Mind intact, somewhat! I have survived my ordeal and come out stronger for it. Take heart, fellow social media surfers. This story ends happily! Minute 34 - Ordered large pepperoni pizza, 2-liter of diet coke, and quart of ice cream online to celebrate. Now I must wait.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 00:57:09 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015