THE BEST WORST VALENTINES DAY CONTEST EVER Hey guys, I don’t have a Valentine, and I’m guessing some of you don’t either. The world has a funny way of making us feel like shit this time of the year, so instead of feeling like shit, let’s feel awesome. If you’ve recently had your heart broken, or just generally have a reason you hate Valentine’s Day, leave a comment below. Whoever’s comment gets the most likes will be my Valentine. And though I probably can’t unbreak your heart, I’ll do my best to make you forget all about it. Here’s how. We’ll start our magical day at Petco where we’ll play with puppies we have no intention of buying. I will buy you a goldfish and we will name it George. We’ll take George to the lake at Griffith Park and hold hands while we return him to his native habitat. Cause what’s more romantic than freedom? Nothing, that’s what. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day we should probably release 2 goldfish. If you want we can pronounce them husband and wife beforehand because I don’t think there’s a law against that. Then we’ll go to my favorite bar in LA and ironically eat fried catfish fingers. They’re delicious, trust me. If you’re old enough to drink, we’ll have frozen margarita slushies too. Then its off to the fanciest Goodwill in the city, where I’ll take you on a fabulous $20 shopping spree. Do you have any idea how many pairs of jorts you can buy with $20? Just one, cause the Goodwills in LA are way overpriced. Don’t take too long picking out your secondhand denim cutoffs, cause you’re about to be sent on an absurdly romantic scavenger hunt around the city that will eventually lead you to Taco Bell where I’ll be waiting for you with a candlelight dinner and all the delicious handheld mexican food you can eat. If fire grilled 7-layer burritos are your thing, this is gonna be a night to remember. Then we’re off to see the worst romantic comedy playing at The Grove, where we’ll eat candy we snuck in from Walgreens and see how many sickeningly happy couples we can pelt with Goobers before getting kicked out. We’ll also groan loudly every time the main characters go in for a slow kiss or stumble into some cliche plot premise. Depending on how fast we’re escorted to the exit, maybe we’ll drop by Abercrombie & Fitch and start an impromptu dance party in the cargo shorts section. That place has so much deafening house music and so little dancing. Its a shame. Once we’ve been doused in enough Fierce cologne to last us a tween lifetime, its time to get 40’s at 7-Eleven and take a limo ride to Brad Pitts house, where we’ll take selfies in the driveway with a life size cardboard cutout of Tyler Durden until Angelina chases us away. When our enchanting evening reaches its end, I’ll drop you off at Best Western, where I’ve reserved you the fanciest, cheapest room. There may or may not be a trail of spicy nacho Doritos leading to your bed, which will be blanketed in an edible flower arrangement comprised entirely of Fruit By The Foot. Each bed stand will be adorned with a tastefully framed photo of Bill Murray and Ariana Grande, both of which have been autographed by Ryan Cabrera. Those are yours to keep. And what’s under the pillow? You guessed it… Dunkaroos. There are literally no restrictions on who can enter this contest. Except the following. You have to be alive. I’m not taking a corpse on a date… again. Also, you should be single. Seriously. Don’t be a dick and screw over your real life boyfriend for free tacos. I won’t stand for that shit. And dammit be over 18. I’m not showing up for a surprise date with Chris Hansen… again. Lastly, you have to get yourself to LA. Someday I’ll be able to fly you. But not today. If you live out of state, I’ll kick in $50 of my own money for travel. You have the option to bring a friend along if you so desire. If you’ve gotten this far and are still wondering “Is this for real?” Yes. Its for real. Let’s make Valentine’s Day not suck. Well pick a winner next Wednesday Feb. 12th.
Posted on: Thu, 06 Feb 2014 22:08:13 +0000
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