TITLE: Take me as I am EPISODE:30a AUTHOR: Ladeh Sag ELIZABETH WAS ALONE IN THE HOUSE. She’d come straight home from church service, leaving behind Tonye who had a youth meeting to attend and her mother who had to go see a customer needing fabrics for her son’s upcoming traditional marriage ceremony. She’d hoped she’d be able to get some rest once she’d gotten home, since she hadn’t gotten much sleep last night – which was not surprising given her state of mind. Well, that state of mind still appeared to be in charge as she’d been rolling from one end of her bed to the other in the last forty minutes, unable to quieten the anguished thoughts that tormented her. His words replayed again and again in her mind – ‘I love you with my whole heart. Not with a part of it, not in an incomplete way. I love you with all that I have inside of me, with my heart, my mind and my soul’. She twisted and turned to her side, curling her legs upwards, as the tears stung again. Dear God, he loved her. This man, whom she loved with her very soul, loved her just as much. She’d thought him unattainable, yet he was so within reach... if only she muster the courage to snap him up and give them both a chance at happiness. But was it really courage she lacked knowing that such happiness would be short-lived? Was it a lack of courage to not desire to put his love through such a cruel trial? A tear slipped and dropped on her angled hand. A tortured moan escaped her, dear Lord, deliver me from this torment and anguish. She pressed her left hand over her eyes, wiping off the tears. Why was she tormenting herself like this? She’s known from the beginning that this would never be. Hadn’t she always known this and strove to avoid relationships just because of it? Why then had she allowed Caleb and his children into her heart? This was her punishment. Not just for exposing herself to pain once more but for doing same to him. But he will get over it. He will get over her. The thought of him forgetting her and moving on was so painful another stream of tears poured through her eyes. She squeezed them shut, trying to stop the flow but it only gushed out more. A loud knock came at the door, she jolted and jerked to sitting position, who could it be? She quickly grabbed the face towel by the bedpost and wiped off the tears. The knock came again and she jumped to her feet, stopping by her desk, she wet the face towel and used it to mop up her face. Swinging by her wall mirror, she applied a lip-gloss, added a dash of powder and then brushed back her hair. She didn’t need to look like a scarecrow to whoever was at the door, she thought as she swung through her door and marched down the hallway. She pulled open the door and was shocked to see Caleb there. “Caleb?” She gasped. “May I come in?” He asked quietly. She hesitated. “We need to talk, Liz.” He added in a measured tone. She sighed and stepped back. “Please come in.” Her tone was coolly polite. Caleb inclined his head and followed her inside. Though he was feeling anything but his confident demeanour, he’d decided to play it cool and not reveal his uncertainty and anxiety. “May I offer you anything?” Elizabeth asked. Her tone was still polite as she watched him take a seat. “An explanation.” He retorted in same precise tone. “What?” Caleb had the satisfaction of seeing the icy politeness fly off her eyes as she gaped at him. At that unguarded brief moment, he saw the pain she was so bravely masking. It tore at him but he stilled himself against it knowing she wouldn’t welcome any emotional display now. “I would like an explanation, Liz.” He replied calmly, absently noting how the hazel-brown chiffon dress hung nicely over her curvy frame. “I think you owe me that.” She would always be beautiful to him, he realised. No matter what she wore or how she looked, he would always find her beautiful, attractive. “Explanation? For what?” Her aloof tone broke through his mild reverie. He looked into her eyes and saw she had erected the cold wall again. No problem, he could be stubborn too. “For refusing my marriage proposal.” He answered his gaze unflinching as he held hers. “And though you might consider it your right, I demand an explanation too for why you so rudely walked me out of your house yesterday.” She stared at him. He was looking so calm and composed in the simple dove-grey knitted brocade trousers and shorted-sleevedfitted matching top. Vaguely it occurred to her that that was the first time she was seeing him in a traditional attire. It suited him. But then again, everything suited his lean, muscular build. She consciously squashed the treacherous thought and straightened her body to full length as she returned his unruffled gaze. “I apologise for walking you out of the house yesterday, that was unforgivably rude. But as far as your proposal is concerned, I do not think I owe you any explanations whatsoever. You asked, I said no. It was a simple matter of choice.” That she would persist in acting all cold and indifferent infuriated him and he sprang to his feet. “Yes, it was a matter of choice, no disputing that.” He spoke through clenched teeth. “But we had a relationship. We were at least friends if nothing else. We loved each other...” “I am your son’s teacher – that is the nature of our relationship.” Elizabeth snapped stepping back from his suffocating closeness. “We’ve known each other no more than three months, Caleb, that is hardly long enough to declare any serious emotions such as love...” “Don’t you dare speak to me like I am one of your pupils.” He cut in, eyes flashing with suppressed anger. “You and I are old enough to know that love can happen in just an instant. And whether you admit it or not, it happened for us.” “No, it didn’t. I don’t know what you are feeling or how and I am not responsible for it. But I don’t feel the same way and that is that.” She lashed out needing to harden herself against his words which were cutting through her like sharp swords. “Damn you Elizabeth!” Caleb flung out his hand and grabbed her. “Are you telling me you are some kind of loose female who always flirts around with her pupils’ parents and involves herself in s3xual conducts with them?” “What I am doesn’t matter.” She wrenched her hand free and pushed backward. “What matters here is that you proposed to me and I am saying no. My answer is no, Caleb.” She yelled out the last in desperation not sure if she could hold onto her resolve any longer with the pain and anguish she could see in his dark eyes. Her words seared through him like blade and because the pain was unbearable, he reached again for her, grabbed hold of her arms and shook her. “Why, Liz? Why? Is it because I’ve been married before, does that make me not good enough for you?” The words flowed out of him in furious gasps. “Or is it my limp? You can’t bear to be saddled up with a half-cripple? Would it be too shameful? Too humiliating for the lovely Miss Elizabeth?” “No, of course not!” She denied hotly, hurt that he would even think that of her. When he’d explained how he’d been left with the limp due to a fractured knee from the accident, she hadn’t even thought much about it, just nodded her sympathy because it hadn’t even made any difference to her whether he limped or not. And now he would use it against her? Talk to her like she was some shallow, insensitive silly girl? “No, it isn’t about your limp or because you’ve been married before.” She snarled wrenching her arms free. “You know damn well I’m not that shallow to concern myself with something as fickle as a physical impairment...” “Then what is it, Elizabeth?” Caleb thundered, fury blinding him to the anguish in her eyes. “If it isn’t me, then what? Is it my children? Don’t you love them enough to take them as your own?” The question slammed into her and ripped her heart in two. “NO!” She cried out, slapping off the hand he pointed at her. “It is not the children... I love them and you know it.” “Then what the heck is it? What is your reason, Elizabeth? Damn you, tell me why you can’t marry me.” “I don’t have a womb! I don’t have a womb.” The words tumbled out of her as she crumpled into the seat behind her, wild sobs racking her entire body. Caleb paused and stared at her, stupefied. “What?” But she was just crunched over on the chair, crying. He stood, bewildered for a moment, then he dropped to his knees and reached for her. “What do you mean you have no...” Words failed him. He shook his head. “I don’t understand. What... how did it happen?” “No!” She swung out her hands. “Leave me alone. Just leave me alone please.” Tears stung his eyes at her heartrending cries. He grabbed her flailing hands and held on, tight. “I’m sorry. It’s okay. Please stop crying.” He slipped his arms over her crumpled back, held on against her resistance and dragged her body into his. “I’m sorry. Please stop crying. Stop crying, you will hurt yourself like this... please.” He was rocking her. “Stop crying. It’s okay. It’s okay.” They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, his soft voice droning in her ears, hands rubbing down her arm and back. Slowly her sobs quietened and the tears stopped burning out through her eyes. Feeling calmer, she struggled out of his arms, sat up straight, and tried to wipe up her face with her hands. Caleb slipped his hand into his trouser pocket, drew out a handkerchief and passed it to her. Then he rose to his feet and stepped back. His heart was thudding, his head was pounding, he was more than a little stumped and stunned. He wanted to ask questions, needed to know answers but he couldn’t bear to see her cry in such anguish again. He couldn’t bear to see her so tormented. “I am sorry I brought all this back for you.” He apologised slipping his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry I... I put you through this anguish. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to explain... to tell me anything.” He started to step back. “I’ll just go. I...” “I want to tell you.” Elizabeth looked up at him, her gaze steadfast. Though she’d mopped up her face and blew her nose, her eyes were still red-rimmed. But there was a resolve in them that told him she’d made up her mind to do so. “Okay.” He nodded. “But you don’t have to if you really don’t want to, not when it brings you so much pain.” “It will always bring me pain.” She smiled a little, then shook her head. “But you are right, I do owe you an explanation.” She gestured to the sofa beside her. “Please won’t you sit down?” He inclined his head, walked back to the sofa and sat down. He didn’t say anything, just waited for her to go on. He could see the struggle on her face, in the way she had her fingers so tightly linked on her laps. This wasn’t easy for her but she was determined to do it. At that moment he realised she was a woman of strength and his heart swelled with love. “I was about twenty-one when I met Daniel.” She began. “Daniel? You mean Daniel Wigwe – the guy from KFC?” Elizabeth nodded. “Yes, Daniel Wigwe.” Caleb dipped his head. Hadn’t he felt there was more between them that day? “I was just fresh out of College of Education and all hyped to go for my degree.” She continued. “I met him at a school cafeteria in Uniben, he’d come to handle some things about his Masters program. He sat at my table and we got talking... or he got talking – about himself, his Masters program, his family, friends, the weather, politics – just about anything and everything.” She grimaced and chuckled. “Daniel was... is a talker – you’ve met him.” Caleb nodded, yeah he was obviously a man who liked to talk about himself. She hung her head for a moment as if remembering, then she returned her eyes to his. They weren’t so red-rimmed anymore, just sombre and sad. “It turned out we were both based in Lagos, so we kept in touch. I got the admission I was seeking and since he had a paper to rewrite, we kept seeing each other and kind of got closer.” A small smile crossed her face. “He was an all-around fun guy, good-looking and quite charismatic in his extroverted way. I was much more reticent and still so easily impressionable.Though I was twenty-one, he was my first real... boyfriend, I guess. We were brought up in a conservative, devout way and boyfriends and matters of s3x weren’t part of the deal.” The small smile turned self-critical. “I fell in love with him, hard and senseless. And we started dating more seriously and then within six months he was proposing.” “He met my mother, sisters and Tonye. Everyone seemed to like him, except Tonye. He said he was self-absorbed. That he was only so concerned with himself and his own interests and passions. I didn’t believe him – didn’t want to. I was in love and was literally seeing stars.” A chuckle escaped her, Caleb knew she was laughing at herself. “Well, let’s just say that I was on cloud nine and I didn’t go there with my head – just my racing, not-so-reliableheart. Once he proposed, he started wanting s3x. I objected for a couple of months, said we should wait till after the wedding – which we hadn’t really fixed a date for. He had this great plan of landing a better job and moving to a bigger place and making more money... all these big plans, you know.” She lifted her shoulders in a shrug, nudging aside the remembered pain. “He was not just a talker, he was a planner too.” He was a self-centred SOB, Caleb thought. The type who wanted everything their way. Elizabeth sighed and continued. “Suffice to say, I finally gave in and we started having s3x. Barely three months after that I got pregnant.” She stopped and bit her lips. Caleb saw her eyes well up again and he reached for her hand and squeezed gently. She allowed him to hold her, drew strength from that strong hand. Then she slipped off her hands, needing to do this without falling apart. He was a little hurt by her withdrawal, but he understood. She needed some kind of space now. “Please go on.” He said quietly. Elizabeth nodded. “When I told him, he was overjoyed. I wanted us to get married straightaway but he’d just gotten a job with Chevron then and they were sending him to the UK for a training. He was billed to leave in a matter of weeks and he had so much to do – stuff to prepare.” She sniffed and shrugged again. “Even then you won’t believe I didn’t see how selfish he was. I was still so in love and I trusted him so completely.” She exhaled deeply. “He came to see my mum, together we told her about the pregnancy. She was a little disappointed, in me mostly. But she was supportive. I was still in school, just in my third year but I wasn’t at all ashamed of my baby. From the very moment I’d discovered I was pregnant, I’d been excited, I’d instantly fallen in love with the baby growing inside of me.” She looked at him and laughed, a real laugh. “I felt it was a miracle. I was going to give life to another. It was so exciting, so amazing.” Caleb smiled, understanding that kind of awed feeling. “I know. I felt the same with Stella and I wasn’t even the one carrying her.” She dipped her head, grateful that he understood. “So though I was an unmarried pregnant young woman, I was simply a proud mother-to-be – no shame, no regret. Daniel travelled and we kept in touch via phone calls, text messages and emails. Just as I approached my seventh month, Belema – my elder sister?” Caleb nodded. “She was having her daughter’s dedication and we all travelled to Port Harcourt to celebrate with them. I had an antenatal visit that Friday but I cancelled it and went with my mum, Daniella and Tonye.” She stopped and gripped the arm of the chair. Her fingers flexed over the edge and she swallowed and blinked repeatedly. “Liz...” He stretched his hand, but she shook her head and he dropped it back on his laps. “We got back and on Tuesday, I went for my next antenatal visit. My legs were swollen. I thought it was from the flight and stress of the trip. But the doctor was worried, she had my BP taken – it was alarmingly high. Almost immediately, they told me to call someone that I was going into the theatre. I called Tonye. He arrived with my mum. One minute I was looking normal, the next I was having fits... having a seizure.” Her breath came rapidly as tears slipped down her cheeks. “They said I had Eclampsia. I had elevated blood pressure and the seizures were as a result of it. The baby must be taken out at once. I was just about twenty-six weeks gone. It was too soon for the baby. But I needed to have an immediate caesarean section. When I came around and they allowed me to see him in the incubator — he was so tiny, just a little thing, yet so beautiful. He had some tubes fixed on him but still he was just so beautiful. His eyes were briefly open and they looked into mine. I felt like he was trusting me to keep him alive, to make sure he lived.” Caleb felt the tears prickle. She’d had a son – a premature. “Life comes only from God. He alone can give it and keep it.” His throat was rough and croaky but he didn’t care. Elizabeth swiped away the tears. “Yes, He alone has that power because I didn’t have it to give to my son. I didn’t have it to save my little boy. Before daybreak he was dead. They said he wasn’t strong enough. He had respiratory problems and was just too weak, the effect of the eclampsia. But I didn’t know then. No one told me. And there wasn’t even time. I too was having afterbirth complications. I was bleeding profusely. They couldn’t arrest the bleeding and so I was wheeled back into the theatre and it became a matter of life and death.” She exhaled and raised her head to fix her eyes on him. “They had to do an emergency uterine surgery. They removed my uterus. To save my life, they took out my womb.” The tears weren’t coming now. Her eyes were dry and the resolute look was back in them. “In just twenty-four hours I lost my son and my womb. In that small amount of time, I became an empty shell... a half-woman.” She spluttered out a laugh. It sounded like a crack of whip. “That was what Daniel called me – a half-woman. He’d rounded off the first part of his training and had wanted to surprise me with his return.” She laughed again, harshly. “Well, imagine his own surprise when he came to find his son dead and his fiancée womb-less. He was devastated.” Caleb stared at her. “You were more devastated. You had lost more.” She smiled sadly. “Yes, I had lost more. But he didn’t see it that way. He cried and cursed and blamed me.” “What?” “I shouldn’t have travelled. I shouldn’t have missed my antenatal visit. I should have noticed the swelling and be more conscious.” She shook her head wearily. “I shouldn’t have allowed them take out my uterus.” “Jesus!” Caleb exclaimed beyond astonished. “That is so callous. Your life was at stake for heaven’s sake.” “Maybe. But in his eyes, it was his future at stake now.” She got up, turned away from him. Somehow she couldn’t bear the compassion in his eyes. “Bottom-line was he couldn’t marry me now. How could he when I had nothing more to give him.” “My God! That is cruel.” He got to his feet too, struggling with the fury and rage he was feeling against the utterly self-centred Daniel Wigwe. “Was it cruel?” She turned back to face him. “Was he really being cruel or just human?” She sighed and folded her arms across her chest. “I didn’t consider him cruel... not really. He was right. I had nothing more to give him. If he went ahead and married me, I’ll never be able to give him children. He was a man, an African man, he needed to keep his name. Children are the bedrock of a home. They are a man’s stronghold, his pride and true wealth.” She quoted Daniel’s words to her, even without recognising she was doing so. “He might have been cruel but he was right, Caleb. He spoke the truth. And that truth still stands today.” She fixed her eyes on his. They were stone cold. “I have nothing to offer a man. I am a half-woman. I cannot give anyone children... I cannot give you children.” Her eyes softened a little. “And you want more children.” “How do...” Then he remembered that day at the Funland. “Liz...” “You don’t have to say anything or try to excuse yourself, Caleb.” She interjected calmly. “It is only right you should want more children. You are such a great father, a good man, you deserve to be surrounded by your children. To nurture and watch them grow.” She smiled sadly at him. “I cannot take that from you. That is why my answer is no, Caleb. Watch out for episode30b
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 19:48:55 +0000