The 4 Worst Things to Say to a Friend Whos Suffering I know how you feel. Honestly, you cant, you dont, and you wont. Even if you think youve had an extremely similar experience and are just trying to offer sympathy, theres no way for you to truly be in their shoes, as all of our different psychological characteristics and the variables inherent in any given situation or relationship can add up to extremely different mixes of feelings. Certainly, you can empathize and talk about how you relate to him or her. But dont pretend you can get inside someones head: Youll come off like a know-it-all who wants to make someone elses loss an excuse to talk about yourself. This is Gods plan. This can be confusing, unhelpful, or, worse, enraging—Why do you believe that God wants me to experience Hell on Earth? Certainly, if you share your friends faith, nudging them toward a reminder of their beliefs can help bring peace. But declaring that you have their lifes fate all figured out can be downright insensitive, especially if they are understandably questioning their own beliefs when life doesnt seem to make sense anymore. If you need anything, give me a call. Very common and no doubt well-meaning, this is the classic sign-off of sympathetic friends everywhere. But its quite vague, and puts the burden of effort on the grieving person. How realistic is it that someone in the throes of grieving is actually going to get on the phone to call you and ask for something specific? And if the person is generally uncomfortable asking for help, it becomes even less likely. Let me know if theres anything I can do has become almost laughable in its triteness, even if you mean it. Instead, be specific and try to take away their work: Ask when you can bring over some takeout. Tell him or her that you want to do some of their laundry and all they have to do is pick a time over the weekend. When someone is emotionally paralyzed by loss, its often the simple tasks of everyday life that become overwhelming: Saying you are going to come by with some groceries this Thursday is going to go a lot farther than some vague and passive offer of helping. This, too, shall pass. Though a good phrase to cross-stitch into a throw pillow, or to reassure yourself when youre sitting through a particularly bad episode of Americas Got Talent, this is rarely useful coming from someone else, especially in the throes of a loss. Being told that theyll feel better soon seems like wishful thinking, and may come across as totally invalidating of their pain. They need more time, and to come to this conclusion on their own.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 12:25:33 +0000
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