The Ball Alley Elvis has a new finger Well Mr. Longstaff you asked on Facebook where the match report was so here it is – My morning started bright and early when Philly Hall the Ball Alley’s footballer took pity on me and let me hide inside his Mini Car away from the cold wind and sleet on a Baltic morning. He told me a few tricks of the trade how to successfully burgle houses without getting caught with him being Stanley’s number one house breaker. I’m off out tonight to see if I can blag a TV and video recorder. Eventually Chen opened the door to The Mason’s so we could get inside and get warm. Scott Bin Lid has shaved off his bushy Arabic beard he now looks 12 years old. The word on the street is The Chopwell tiger who bit Mark Scott licked it off. Dean Pearce who refused to put the goal nets up turned up wearing his Dad Paul’s clothes. His Mam Wendy was caught shop lifting beige towels at Asda yesterday. Suggy broke the lights on the pool table while getting changed, Joe Gill has blown the engine up on his truck and Chen made £7.43 from his Christmas raffle where the top prize was a blue Arch No13 away shirt. Matty has the hair of a curly goat and no dog had a wee on Pee Davison. I have a new polyphonic ring tone for my phone as Joe Gill sent me it by infrared on the mobile. Today’s referee was Andrew Kitchen. He isn’t a real kitchen or even a bathroom. The match ball today was orange; this is the same colour as Phily Hall’s hair. The Ball Alley had a bet on who could half Schindler first; Schindler left the Ball Alley to return to us the other month. Schindler said Greg our substitute could wear his woolly hat to keep his head warm from the cold wind. Greg caught nits from Schindler’s hat. Nobody halfed Schindler. Greg wants to know if anybody has a spare nit comb. Our keeper Right Said Tweedy got lobbed yet again and we went in at the interval 4.0 down. The second half we scored a few goals however we eventually lost 6.3 against a canny handy, well run side. EuroTez wore a weird purple colour jumper. I said it was the same colour as crushed grape, Elvis said it was the same colour as blackcurrant and water. Elvis drank blackcurrant and water as he’s doing ‘dry January’. He lasted until 2.30pm before he hit the Famous Grouse. He’s happy today as he’s found his missing finger behind a bag of Flaming Hot Doritos’s at the works vending machine. He even found a spare finger which Joe Gill has claimed for his own. Hec turned up to watch today in his Stone Island hooligan coat. His secret condom pocket was full of microwave cheese and ham pizza crusts. I spilt Chen’s spicy dip all over my fresh out of the tumble drier 1870’s Bukta NUFC tracksuit top. And Gilly the nasty taxi driver said his grandchild could play better than us. He’s 8 years old! Anyway good luck to The Ball Alley in the next round of the cup, their lads all stopped for a drink at The Masons and they deserve to be in the next round as they wanted it more than us today. Finally e would like to wish good luck to Tommy Shaw who’s sailed off to Nanny Goat Island with the rest of The Arch castaways shipwrecked at Quakies. His transferred has now been completed and he’s joined his shoplifting brother at South Moor Sports for the rest of the season. Some of the above are true made up stories.
Posted on: Sun, 11 Jan 2015 18:09:37 +0000
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