The Most Effective Ways to Make it Right When You Screw Up - Heidi Grant Halvorson After promising your boss you would complete an important assignment on time, you realize youre behind and its going to be late. You unintentionally leave a colleague out of the loop on a joint project, causing him or her to feel frustrated and a bit betrayed. On the subway, you arent paying attention and accidentally spill hot coffee all over a strangers expensive suit. Its time for a mea culpa. Apologies are tricky. Done right, they can resolve conflict, repair hurt feelings, foster forgiveness, and improve relationships. An apology can even keep you out of the courtroom. Despite the fact that lawyers often caution their clients to avoid apologies, fearing that they are tantamount to an admission of guilt, studies show that when potential plaintiffs receive an apology, they are more likely to settle out of court for less money. However, as anyone can tell you, most apologies dont go so well. Ask John Galliano, for instance. Or John Edwards, or Todd Aiken, or Kanye West. (I could go on and on.) An apology is no guarantee that youll find yourself out of hot water. This is usually either because the person or persons from whom you are seeking forgiveness really arent interested in forgiving, or because the transgression itself is deemed unforgivable. But more often than not, your apology falls flat because youre apologizing the wrong way. In a nutshell, the problem is that most people tend to make their apologies about themselves-about their intentions, thoughts, and feelings. I didnt mean to... I was trying to... I didnt realize... I had a good reason... When you screw up, the victim of your screw up does not want to hear about you. Therefore, stop talking about you and put the focus of your apology where it belongs: on him or her. Specifically, concentrate on how the victim has been affected by your mistake, on how the person is feeling, and on what he or she needs from you in order to move forward. Thanks to recent research on effective apologies, you can fine-tune your approach even further according to your relationship with the recipient of the apology: You Are A Stranger or Mere Acquaintance The guy in the coffee-stained suit wants an offer of compensation. Offers of compensation are attempts to restore balance through some redeeming action. Sometimes the compensation is tangible, like paying to repair or replace your neighbors fence when you inadvertently back your car into it, or running out to get your girlfriend a new phone when you accidentally drop hers into the toilet (which happened to me, by the way. Not cool.) Offers of compensation can also be more emotional or socially-supportive. (as in,Im sorry I acted like a jerk, and Ill make it up to you by being extra thoughtful from now on.) You Are My Partner, Colleague, or Friend The colleague you accidentally left out of the loop doesnt want compensation. When you have a relationship with the injured party, you will instead need to take his or her perspective and express empathy. Expressions of empathy involve recognizing and expressing concern over the suffering you caused. (e.g., Im so sorry that I didnt appreciate all of your effort. You must have felt awful, and thats the last thing I want.) Through expressions of empathy, the victim feels understood and valued as a partner in the relationship, and trust is restored. You Let Our Team Down In the modern workplace, we often operate as teams. So when you fail to meet an important deadline, chances are its not just your boss thats affected-its your whole team, and possibly your whole organization. In team settings, people dont want compensation or empathy-they want an acknowledgement of violated rules and norms. Basically, you need to admit that you broke the code of behavior of your social group, your organization, or your society. (e.g., I have a responsibility to my team/organization/family/community and I should have known better. I didnt just let myself down, I let others who count on me down.) When you think about it, its surprising that were often so bad at apologizing. After all, we are frequently on the receiving end of apologies ourselves-so we should know what works and what doesnt. In reality, we often forget what its like to be on the other side-whether were trying to apologize, impress, persuade, help, or motivate. So when crafting your apology, remember to ask yourself the following: Who am I talking to, and what is he or she looking for in my apology? The guy on the subway still dripping from your morning joe doesnt want to hear that you feel his pain-but when you forget your wifes birthday, she most definitely would like you to feel hers.
Posted on: Wed, 16 Apr 2014 15:40:19 +0000
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