The Pizzacabra Gidget got away from me again. She never wanders more than 50 -75 yards away from me in any direction. Gidget has a standing policy of noncompliance regarding the recall command – on principle I guess. However, she always returns of her own accord after a) she trees every squirrel in sight, b) when something scares her, or c) when current time = escape time +15 minutes, whichever comes first Note that in the picture I am not trying to chase her down as such an attempt would be doomed to failure from the start. Rather, I’m using reverse psychology, acting indifferent as if I don’t care. How did that work out you ask? Well, there weren’t any squirrels and nothing scared her so she came back on her own in 15 minutes. Gidget’s Version: I know I’m supposed come back when called but it’s very tough to catch a squirrel when someone’s holding your leash. However, this episode had nothing to do with squirrels. No, it was all about looking for that mysterious, elusive, wonderful tasting Pizza Beast. He’s out there somewhere. I know it. The first time I tasted one of these critters it was nothing short of an out of body, spiritual experience. I must catch one of them alive, no matter how long it takes. There’s not much information available on the neighborhood bark line. Everything that I know comes from prophecy, ancient folklore, numerous anecdotal stories and fables. Since there are no known photos of this animal, an artist’s conception of Pizza Beast is shown here instead. Other than it being the mythological food of the Gods, here is what I do know about Pizza Beast: 1. He is wedge shaped. This allows him to squeeze through tight places, thereby eluding pizza binging predators. 2. Being cold-blooded, his flat surface provides for optimal gathering of the sun’s warming rays. His shape allows him to glide from tree to tree like a flying squirrel- mmmmmm, flying squirrel. 3. Like dogs, there are many different breeds of Pizza Beast such as Pepperoni, Beef, Pepperoni plus Beef, and Heinz 57 (alias Supreme, Ultimate, Ultimate Supreme) 4. Often times, his bread sstick legs are cut from the torso and prepared and eaten separately. 5. Rumor has it that, although his teeth are small, Pizza Beast can deliver a painful sting with his pointy tail. We’ll see about that. 6. Pizza Beast is ambrosia. The things I don’t know: 1. Does he forage during the day or is he nocturnal like a bat? 2. Is he solitary or does he travel in packs? 3. Does he lay eggs or are the offspring born alive? I would love to have me some of those scrambled pizza eggs, yum. 4. Carnivore, herbivore, or omnivore? 5. ANIMAL, VEGETABLE or MINERAL!? So many questions and so few answers, but not to worry; I will eventually corner a pizza beast and slaughter him like some neighbor’s chicken(s). Anyway, after 15 minutes of pondering this imponderable, I got tired and trotted on back to No.1*. That’s what was really going on in the picture. Reverse psychology my ass. Where are you Pizza Beast? He’s probably out there beyond the tree line kick ‘in it with his buddy Chupacabra and the other cryptids. * Not an undisputed title at this time
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 04:55:38 +0000
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