The Story Of Cornelius Akpabot Cornelius Akpabot was a good judge of character, so when he decided that there was something not quite right about the visitor who had just entered his parlour, he knew he wasnt far from the truth. Besides, the one eye in the middle of the mans head should have alerted him. You are well the man greeted him. You can leave the ground Cornelius responded. Own a seat, Cornelius went on, indicating the rocking rafia-palm chair in the corner. Your happiness is mine as well the stranger said as he sat. Cornelius went to the kitchen and brought out two bottles of Palm-wine, cool and frothy, just the way he liked it. He brought out two calabashes and set them in front of the stranger next to the bottles of palm-wine. Cornelius also had some eba and ogbono soup in the kitchen, but he was not giving that up. He knew the smell had diffused and found itself in the parlour, but unless this stranger specifically asked. for it. Can you hear any smell? the stranger asked, licking his lips. Cornelius shook his head. I bring you kola-nut! the stranger professed, pulling out three white kola-nuts from behind his head. Cornelius hated kola-nut. It was bitter! Why did people eat that stuff? Er...You have done well Cornelius said, trying his best to remember the way to respond in his language. You see, Cornelius had spent the last several years of his life in America. Having returned to the waterside to live in the house he had built for his now deceased parents, it would take him a while to get back into the customs. There was something about this stranger that made Cornelius uneasy. Perhaps (and only perhaps) it was the fact that the man had just one eye which was placed squarely in the middle of his forehead. The man winked at Cornelius (actually he blinked, but with one eye...) My son, I have come today to bring you grave news. He cleared his throat and took a bite of the kolanut, proferring some to Cornelius who was too polite to refuse. Cornelius held the kola-nut in his hand waiting for the man to continue speaking, but the man waited for Cornelius to take a bite. He did so, grimacing as he tried to smile and nod his approval. Damn these people. The stranger continued, shuffling his feet as he spoke. Today, my son, is the day you have become a man... Cornelius wondered where the music was coming from. He heard sinister music, like from the movies, as the man spoke. Today, you will join your ancestors in becoming the Lion of the Akpabot clan. Cornelius looked under his chair but there was nothing to indicate a radio or any other such device. Today, you will be the one that was prophesied about! The music was rising, trumpets and horns blaring along with the theme. Cornelius pushed the strangers feet aside, checking under his seat to make sure. Today is the day of reckoning! The music was growing louder. Cornelius stood up to check inside the Deep-Freezer but there was nothing there. Today is the day... Aha Cornelius shouted triumphantly as he opened the closet and found four violinists, three horn players, and a sound effects man hiding and playing music. Get out! Get out! he screamed at them, chasing them away from his abode. But as they ran they played chase music, irritating Cornelius all the more. He brought out his hunting gun and let loose one burst. It was one of those guns they like to call One-blow-seven-die! It had a large mouth, like a funnel, and had to be induced via gunpowder. But the effects could be devastating for any within a fifty meter radius of the gun shot. Three of the musicians fell down dead and were immediately taken, by some of the townspeople, to be used as soup accessories. Yes even if these were modern times, hey, anything tastes good with ketchup. In fact Cornelius knew that, as Jeff Dahmer of America would say, Tastes jes like chikn! Sorry about that, Cornelius apologized to the one-eyed stranger as he set his gun down. The stranger, apparently was oblivious to all that was going on as he had continued his tale... Today is the day that you will slay the mighty piglet! Cornelius looked and saw the man had finished both bottles of palmwine. Cornelius was not impressed. Cornelius went to his bedroom to sleep, leaving the stranger to continue his story. Later that night Cornelius was awoken by banging on his door. He cleared his eyes and went to open it up. He noticed that the one-eyed man was asleep now, though he was speaking in his sleep.. Today, my son, is the day! Cornelius opened the door to reveal three wrapper-wearing men with machettes in their hands. The first one lounged towards Cornelius for the order of redirecting his physical priorities, but was stopped by the other two. Cornelius was not impressed. Who are you? Cornelius asked. The first of the three men, the one who had tried to machette Cornelius, spoke. His voice echoed and the sky turned blood red: I am the lord thy God. Thou shalt have none other before me! Cornelius was not impressed, and I would know you from... he said, emulating the short ugly man he used to watch on Saturday Night Live. The-lord-thy-god spoke again: Cornelius Akpabot, you have transgressed! Have you had knowledge of Chief Akpubelles daughter? Cornelius was not to be fooled. I am aware of her existence, yes. Chief Akpubelle, the one who had held the lord thy-god back exclaimed: Answer the question! You are guilty! You are guilty! Cornelius wondered where the music was coming from. He looked on top of his roof, and there was a crowd of people chanting guilty! guilty! Before he knew it, he was being dragged to the village square, tired, beaten, and rather naked. The village square, as the townspeople from the city liked to call it, was a circular plot of land where people were hanged or shot for crimes commited, as judged by their leaders. I will ask you one more time, or you will be searching for your genitals on the ground, did you sleep with Chief Akpubelles daughter? Trying to be look as cool as one can, facing death naked in front of a crowd, Cornelius responded: Oh yeah... I gave her the preg. Chief Akpubelle was confused: Ehen? So na you gi am the preg? So who gi am the nant? The crowd roared guilty! guilty! and then a hush fell over them as the-lord-thy-god spakest unto the multitude. “Today we will show this man what we are made of. Since he has come from America, if he doesnt want us to cut off his manhood, he will either show us American wonder or face my machette! The crowd roared its approval. Cornelius had been a DJ in America. That was all he could think about. Ok, Ok, Ill show you American wonder he acquiesced. Give me a pair of turntables he requested, and was promptly presented with two benches which were overturned. Cornelius was not impressed. He shook his head. He was going to face the machette today. He quickly took a goat and placed on the first overturned bench, or as the townpeople now knew the Americans called it, turntable. He tied the goat to the turntable and took a chicken, doing the same to it on the second turntable. He then began to clap his hands and urged people to do the same: Clap clap clap... He began to scratch the chicken and the goat: Umeee Umeee, umeee umee umeee kpo kpo kpo kpo kpokoh! Wave your hand in the air, and wave em like you just dont care And if you wanna party with DJ Akpabot tonight, everybody scream hell yeah!! --Heh yeh! Hell yeah! --heh yeh! Cornelius was impressed. He then took two sticks and began to beat the chicken and the goat: Kukuruku--meeeeeh! Common babbaaaay! Kukuruku--meeeeeh! Common babbaaaay! By this time the whole town was rocking to the beat as Cornelius proved to them that despite limited resources, a people can still perform what was needed to the best of their needs and abilities. As the night died down everyone went back home talking about the concert they had just seen. Cornelius strolled back home, naked as a blade of grass, Christina Akpubelle by his side. He wondered where the romantic music was coming from. He decided not to find out, as he and Christina had other things in mind. As they entered their house, they stepped over the figure of a man passed out from too much drinking. Apparently the stranger had left the house to buy more palm-wine, came back, and drank too much. Cornelius bent down to speak to the man, but he realized the man was dying. He took the man in his arms in order to hear his last words. Can you guess what the man said? WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cornelius was not impressed. (in fond memory of UIs own Diz, Sam Akpabot)
Posted on: Sun, 10 Nov 2013 00:03:41 +0000