The Tonight Show With Jay Leno • This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesnt know if shes running for president in 2016. Isn’t that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she’s the only one in the country who doesn’t know she’s running for president in 2016? • Canadian bad-boy Justin Bieber was arrested in Toronto for beating up a limo driver. Which, of course, is really embarrassing — for the limo driver. He has to admit in open court he got beat up by Justin Bieber. • A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on. • Music industry executives are now defending Justin Bieber, saying that he was arrested because he was profiled by the Miami police. Well, how much longer will we put up with the man targeting rich white kids in Lamborghinis? When is that going to stop? Conan • Yesterday Justin Bieber turned himself in at a Toronto police station for an assault charge. There was confusion when he first arrived. They asked him, Hey, little girl, have you lost your mommy? • Justin Bieber has been charged with assaulting his Toronto limo driver. The driver is reportedly suffering from minor injuries and from being the laughingstock of the Toronto limousine industry. • The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christies home state of New Jersey. Its a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things. The Late Show With David Letterman • Justin Bieber is in trouble again. First he egged his neighbors house, then he was arrested for drag racing and under the influence, and now hes beaten up a limo driver. He was charged with assault and Biebery. They also charged him with carrying a concealed egg. • Heres some advice for Justin Bieber. Be nice and dont beat up limo drivers, Justin, because one day you could be one. • When Sunday’s Super Bowl is finished, it will be followed by the Republican rebuttal. • The ratings were very low for the presidents State of the Union address. I think I know why the ratings were low — because its the State of the Union address, thats why. Next year it will be presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson • It’s Groundhog Day. Of course the star of Groundhog Day is Punxsutawney Phil. He has been around for almost 70 years. How does that work? Seems fishy to me. They do the same thing with the kid on Two and a Half Men. • Youd think with technology theyd update Groundhog Day just a little. Maybe have Phil stay down in his hole and just tweet out his prediction. Jimmy Kimmel Live! • Justin Bieber recently retired from music to focus on building up his criminal record. • Last week Justin was arrested for drag racing a rented Lamborghini while under the influence. The results of his drug test were released today. They show he was on both marijuana and Xanax. Thats an interesting combination. Its like hes part teenager, part Real Housewife. • Once again, President Obama will grant an interview to a journalist from the network broadcasting the Super Bowl. The game is on Fox this year, so Bill OReilly will do the interview. Im taking OReilly with the points. • There are still more than 11,000 Super Bowl tickets unsold. Why they would have trouble selling $1,500 tickets to an outdoor event being held in a blizzard that you can watch on TV for free, I dont know, but they are Late Night With Jimmy Fallon • Theres more trouble for Justin Bieber. Last night he was arrested in Toronto for assaulting a limo driver. First a DUI, now an assault charge. If Bieber keeps this up hes never going to get into a good college. • The forecast for Sundays Super Bowl has improved in the last week. Its expected to be in the mid-30s with winds of only 6 miles an hour. Thats a good temperature for New Jersey. Its above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the swamp. • NSA leaker Edward Snowden was just nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. When Snowden asked where he could pick up the award, the organizers said, Um, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. • Joe Biden said that Hillary Clintons decision to run for president wont affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Bidens decision to run for president wont affect her becoming president.
Posted on: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 22:26:59 +0000
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