There can be few of my friends who aren’t aware by now that Eileen and I have split up. I suppose it was inevitable in the end but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m afraid I have said a few things on here that I regret and I’d like to write a few words to try and find some sort of closure. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads it or not but setting it all down and on here will hopefully put a final lid on it and allow some sort of normality to reassert itself. Many of you have followed our almost three years together on here, some having to fetch the sick bucket and others sending sweet messages about how we brightened up their day. She made me feel like a teenager again and, for my part, I was as happy as Larry, whoever he is. Realtionships break up and that’s the way of the world but what hurts more than anything is that somehow I seem to have lost her friendship as well and that’s the most important thing in the end. I found myself becoming very insular and bitter and couldn’t understand what had happened because to me it all seemed so sudden. Because of this I said some pretty harsh things which I didn’t mean and, through the wonderful medium of Facebook managed to dig a hole for myself which it’s going to take a very long time to climb out of, if ever. Trying to smooth things over by text is never ideal. You can’t put the emotion and feeling into a few mistyped words on a tiny keyboard that you can in a phone call or face to face. We ended up having a spat a few nights ago the upshot of which was that I got unfriended and blocked. That was my fault and I admit it and I don’t blame her at all. But a couple of statuses I’ve put up, despite a pledge to myself that I wouldn’t fall into that trap that’s so annoying when other couples do it of giving a running commentary as things unfold, out of frustration more than anything, I shouldn’t have done and I’ve now removed them all. I’ve sent Eileen a text to try to explain and apologise. Whether it will do any good or not remains to be seen but I sincerely hope so. The bottom line is it’s going to take a long time for thing to settle down. We said to each other recently that we couldn’t imagine our lives without one another in them. Well, we’re finding out what that’s like now and, for my part, I don’t like it at all. It’s not nice. There’s a great empty feeling and a barren wasteland of nothing and for a time that’s all I could see. I’ve got a good job, moving into a lovely home which I’d love to have welcomed her into, live in a fabulous part of the country with hills and fields and tidy little pubs so I can’t complain for a moment about how my life is going. I’m much better off than many. One of our songs was “Suddenly Everything Has Changed” by Flaming Lips and that’s happened again but this time not for the better. I don’t really know what happens from here. I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life alone and I know there’s absolutely no chance for Eileen and me to get back together but I would so very much like my friend back. My little buddy who liked the things I like and always had a beaming smile on that pretty face. Someone I felt I could say anything too and, unfortunately, often did. I know we have many mutual friends who care about us both. I have Simon to thank particularly for introducing us in the first place. I know you feel bad about it sometimes, Simon, but please don’t because they were three of the happiest years of my life and I can’t thank you enough. There’s Alan, Ian and Andy who have stood by me and helped me through this dark time. Carol as well, living proof that you can remain good friends afterwards and has reassured me that I’m not a bad person. I want to thank Bryn and Laura who have welcomed me into their home and are looking after me until I can get out of the slug-infested, mouldy hovel I’ve had to live in for the last year. Two people I didn’t even know until a few weeks ago but have become true friends as well. But I can be a prat and I say and do things that are not best advised which is why I always seem to mess things up and I would like to thank the splendid Craig Babington for pointing a couple of things out to me last night and giving me a very much needed kick up the arse. We have other mutual friends as well, some of whom would be perfectly entitled to unfriend one or the other of us but please don’t. If anyone’s to be unfriended I’m the one that deserves it because Eileen has done nothing wrong. But I hope you won’t. I hope you’ll allow for the fact that the little snipes I’ve had have been due to desperation and the inability to understand. I’m walking through a beautiful wood not far from where I’m going to live, dictating this into my pheugn with an empty heart that, for the moment, is broken. It is broken. I know what a broken heart feels like. It will mend and I hope our friendship will mend too and be stronger with the pressure removed. I find it hard to understand how it came to this because I was willing to be just a friend but I couldn’t seem to find a way to convince her that I meant it. “Just a friend” – how contrary is that, because there is nothing in this world more precious than a friend and I count myself lucky to have so many. You can’t force someone to love you but for a time I thought she did. And anyway, there is love and love, isn’t there. Friendship is a form of love and it lasts so much longer. I want to thank everyone who’s sent messages of support, some of you are people I hardly know who I didn’t realise thought so much of me. It’s really very humbling and overwhelming and one day, when all this has settled and it doesn’t matter anymore I’d like to meet Eileen again off the train at Charing Cross and go off on one of our pub walks, sitting in the sunshine and talking gibberish. Whoever you’re with, wherever you are, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that, for the moment, I can’t look in your face and see my friend smiling back at me. Please be my friend again, even if not just yet. That’s all I want now. Thank you all and now I’m going to finally put all this to bed and give her the space she needs for as long as it takes, hoping that we can rise above it all in the end. Thank you all xx xx
Posted on: Mon, 12 May 2014 11:50:16 +0000
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