These are just some of the thoughts that have been tumbling through my mind the last few days. Theres been a sort of peace in trying to order them. I share them for those that are finding solace in the gathering of memories x To love Kate wasnt a privilege, it was an inevitability. Kate didnt just have friends (though she did seem to have an awful lot of those for someone who claimed to be exceedingly anti-social). Kate had devotees. People who would follow her ardently to the ends of the earth and beyond. I came late to this party and I heard a lot about Kate before I met her. Ill admit, not all of it appealing. This is a peculiar thing I have encountered repeatedly with Kate. To describe Kate to someone who doesnt know her can be a tricksy thing. A Kate is a very rare and beautiful flower that takes constant love and nurturing to make her bloom and keep her flourishing. What is hard to understand, for someone having never experienced the bright splendour of Kate, is why anyone would bother. I certainly did not see the brightness the first time I met her. Actually, on that occasion she didnt say a word to me. We sat alone in a room, Kate happily reading as though I wasnt there. My first impression was somewhat cold and aloof - and it wasnt an impression she went to any great pains to overturn. Yet now I find it incredibly difficult to reconcile that person with the Kate I came to know and, like so many before me, love. But that was Kate. A bundle of contradiction and paradox that somehow makes perfect sense when you take the time to unravel it. A disinterest that hides a world of warmth and colour. The introvert who chose to shine. It was in the run-up to Amanda and Andres wedding that I really got to know Kate. In the week of preparation preceding the event, we spent a very intense, concentrated time in each others company. Kate was shining that week and I was drawn into her light for the first time. We made a good team. We joked about going into business as wedding planners. Kate investigated the possibility, because for Kate to contemplate something was to become the mistress of it. When Kate moved to London she was close enough to become a regular feature. I live with Warlock, not famed for socialising, and so I wont pretend our house is often full of guests. But as often as there were people, there was Kate. Curled at the end of the sofa, or spread over the floor constructing some costume. The hours we have sacrificed to the gods of Robin of Sherwood and Harry Potter... Kate, my unlikely social planner, so many evenings and expeditions orchestrated at Kates whim. Because she wanted company, a game, a walk, a day trip. Kate became, quite simply, part of the fabric of life. I understand, now, the virtue in nurturing that delicate flower. There is no beauty like Kates beauty. And we will remember her for everything that she brought to our lives, rather than any difficulty she came with (although Im sure the words paleo-diet will continue to cause ticks in a few people for a while yet...) Its ironic, and infinitely cruel, that now the illness that sapped her energy and dimmed her light has won out, Kate is suddenly all the more vivid. Through the outpouring of love, the memories, Kates brightness is once more evoked. I hear her voice - hey chick - feel the warmth of her smile, her laugh, her embrace. I am enveloped in that essential Kateness that everyone in the Kativerse knows so well. I am so terribly sad at the loss of Kate. There are no words that really do justice to the size and scope of the grief. Im not sad *for* Kate - I know that however she has left us, it was the right way. Leaving would have been as much an act of will as every other step she took. It just is, and therefore impossible to have been any other way. But Im sad for us. All of us. Because I know we will never stop missing her. Years from now there will be sewing circles, dances, games and events, and there will be laughter and pie and smiles. But there will always, always, be a Kate-shaped space. A hole that cannot be filled by time or grace. Kate gave to us something no one else ever could. A certain quality, a uniqueness - a Kateness - that we will always be poorer for the lack of. To be caught in the main-beam of Kates light is to be changed irrevocably. Kate didnt just have the sunshine factor. She was the sun. To feel her warmth is to spend the rest of your life reaching for those rays. Blood of my Blood - I love you.
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 12:01:14 +0000
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