This article has been filling up my news feed the past several weeks. I keep waiting for someone else that doesnt completely agree with it. While I do appreciate a different perspective on sharing, I feel like this is actually perpetuating the very behavior that it implies its against. I agree that I dont want my children to be demanding, greedy people that expect to receive everything they want, which I feel is the authors definition of sharing based on this article. However if we look at Merriam-Webster, the definition of SHARING (v) is to have a portion of (something) with another or others, to partake of, use, experience, occupy, or enjoy with others or to have in common. So do I want my children to learn NOT to share based on the true definition? NO! Sharing, to me, is more about learning to give than expecting to receive. Its learning to compromise, negotiate, contribute, and empathize with others. There are many different types of sharing, different environments, contexts, age appropriate activities, circumstances...and children dont know how to distinguish them unless they are TAUGHT! You have to teach how to ask, to accept if the answer is no, to communicate, to negotiate, to handle with care, and how to return the item. I think sharing is a very valuable life skill, and you are doing your child a disservice to not teach it. It is exhausting but worth the effort. For instance in Scenario 1, I completely agree the child brought the car to the park and is not entitled to share his car. Yes it would be a nice gesture, but is it expected or required? No. It is completely ok to have something that is yours, use it yourself, and not share it. But, why not use this as an opportunity the next time to suggest your child takes 2 cars to the park and share 1? Talk to them about ways to make someones day with something theyre blessed with, or about ways to meet a new friend, etc. Why arent we teaching our kids how to do that? Especially because for some kids making friends isnt natural, it is taught or its not, and if its not, others may not want to play with a child that is selfish. One who never shares or plays what someone else wants to play because its not very much fun. I remember the first time my oldest threw a tantrum. He was barely one, and my husband and I were leaving him with a friend for a date night. I sat down in his child chair that he wasnt using to get on his level to tell him good bye. When I sat down, he began wallowing on the floor and screaming like Id never witnessed (with MY own sweet child). I looked at his dad with horror. Lol. But instead of getting up and saying, Here we go with the tantrum phase. I pulled him off the ground and put him in the chair and had him look in my eyes. I told him it was not ok to act that way. I had been teaching him sign language so I started using his hand to sign please while saying it. I took him out of the chair, I sat down, immediately helped him sign please and I got up. We practiced this all the time. I would have sitters, friends, etc sit in his chair to give him an opportunity to use words/signs instead of throwing a fit. Was the chair his? Yes. But he needed to learn the appropriate way to ask for it and how to share it if he wasnt using it. My boys started having room time when my oldest was 2 and second son was 11 months. I would put them in their room alone (watching from the video monitor) to play for 30 minutes. In the beginning, my 11 month old would pull up at the train table and mess up my 2 year olds trains and track. He would get mad and frustrated. I would go in and talk to him about how he did the same thing at his brothers age (even showing him pictures sometimes which he thought was funny). I taught him how to reassemble the track and we brainstormed ideas to keep his brother from messing things up like building him a small track on the floor and giving him some trains or bringing him other books or toys in their room. Some days this worked, other days it didnt and if the problem persisted, I would take the younger one out, and they would have room play separately. What happened quickly is that they started playing together and even if his brother frustrated him when Id come to get him, hed cry for him to stay. They can still bicker over things almost 4 years later but from the moment I hear it begin to when I arrive to intervene, Im typically no longer needed because theyve learned to share, negotiate, and resolve problems without me! Now we are working on teaching my youngest son and oldest daughter these same skills when they play together. And like I mentioned above some sharing activities are not age appropriate. My 2 year old daughter isnt big enough to use some of the things her 6 and 4 year old brothers do such as battleship or rainbow loom and its hard for her. But I talk to her about what she can do and help her find something else. Other times when the boys finish Ill ask them to modify something for her or teach her. Theyll play games they can share with her like Cootie or put bands on their looms for her even though she cant make a bracelet, theyll make one for her. Shes having to learn how to deal with not being able to share certain toys, and the boys are learning Ill help protect their big kid things but to empathize with her.....Mommy mistake: I did buy her a cheap loom to use to keep her away from theirs during a class. She quickly learned hers was different and would want theirs and think it was ok to get it out. Ive now had to work on reteaching her thats not a toy 2 year olds get to use...sometimes we back track and/or make mistakes as parents but hopefully we try to correct them. There is also responsibility to be taught with sharing. This is a good opportunity to talk about the thing being shared: how to hold it, use it, not have it near food or water. I even talk to my kids about the price. I tell them how much things cost and to help them understand Ill say, You must be very careful with Johnnys sky lander. The bottom can scratch and the pieces come off if you play too roughly. If you break his sky lander, we will have to spend $15 to buy him a new one. Mommy and Daddy will not buy it. You will. Since my kids do not have money (actually they do in an excel bank account where we keep track of all there money from holidays, tooth fairy, etc) or always understand the value, we talk about what they would have to sell or give away to earn the money to buy Johnny a replacement. This also applies to our things as parents. Ill say, I asked you not to use my phone near the water. Do you know if you break my phone that it would take about 15 of your skylanders to sell to get Mommy a new one? Scenario 2 totally rubbed me the wrong way. The child is playing with a public car. Just because there are many others like it doesnt mean it shouldnt be shared in an entire hour and thirty minutes! If there are several like it, her child (especially if hes old enough to not be shadowed) should be able to be happy with an alternative selection as well. It is not his car but belongs to the play area where others pay to play and may love that car just as much. When I was training for my marathon I did most of my running outdoors. However there were times I was forced to do my running indoors on the treadmill. When my 45 min were up, it didnt matter if I hadnt finished my mileage , it was someone elses turn. If there were other treadmills open, but someone wanted mine because they liked the location, tv, etc better. I couldnt say, Sorry go use that one. The gym gave me a 45 min time limit and those were the rules. There are many, many other life examples where public things are meant to be shared and not held for hours at a time. I know working in many sales jobs when its your turn to take a customer, if you arent ready (whether in restroom, talking, etc), you lose your turn (they dont hold it for you). The school rule that was most absurd to me was holding swings or monkey bars...seriously? Why can another child not take advantage of the open swing and then the child using the restroom resume their turn when they get back? Or having a set amount of time on the swings...no you dont have to share for 15 minutes then we switch. Why? Because there are only 2 swings and more than 2 children love to swing (and if teaching a child to deal with disappointment is the goal, you just taught 2 instead of 1). How about teaching a child to push another then trading places or to wait patiently for their turn without complaining. And how do you not share monkey bars? Multiple kids should be able to go across within several seconds. What a great way to teach kids how to participate even when its not their turn. They can encourage children struggling to get across, offer to help hold their legs, etc. Playgrounds should be enjoyed by everyone. Can you imagine at a theme park your about to board and you tell the person controlling the ride, Im sorry my child has to use the restroom. Can you please stop the ride and not allow it to go until we get back? Thanks. Once again in real life this most likely wont happen for him or her. They lose their place. Now if they go before the ride, a person might be nice and allow you to return to your spot, but they dont have to allow it. Yes I would never take someones phone, but I would hope if mine died or I needed to use someones they would share theirs. No I wouldnt cut in line, but weve all seen 2 people rush to an open lane and the one with more stuff gets there first. Of course, its their right to go first, but I think a nicer gesture would be to allow the person with 1-2 things to go first (or the mom with the toddler throwing a fit instead of giving her a dirty look...haha). Why? Because its putting others before yourself. We share most things in our family. If you want a turn, you know youll get a chance if you are polite and patient. My kids know to ask each other, When youre done, can I have that? or In 5-10 minutes, can I have a turn? When whatever designated time is up which is usually 30 minutes max, their turn is over and theyll have another one later. We start at 18 months before any of them know time well, and ironically they almost always trade nicely (not at 18 months and after lots of work and practice). Why? Because we are a family and our family works together, plays together, and sacrifices together. We share chores. I wash dishes and clothes that arent mine. My younger son will make his older brothers bed for him if he forgets. My daughter helps with changing her baby sister. We all contribute and sharing doesnt always mean equally. Some of us do a greater portion of the work, but we are a team. Think of a basketball team not sharing the ball. They wouldnt get very far, but does the ball or playing time have to be shared equally? No. Just because its your turn doesnt mean you get to stay in the entire game. If you work hard and become one of the best players, you might not have to share as much and have as much playing time as a star player. However as the star player, the other team may put their best player or possibly even 2 players to guard him or her. If that player doesnt share now, most likely their team wont have success. Or if the child sitting on the bench pouts because they have to come out all the time so he/she stops working hard and when the star player gets injured, he/she is unprepared to play. Or maybe your child never plays, but he/she encourages their teammates and works hard to help them have better practices. Is he/she a less valuable teammate? No. You have to learn you may be disappointed but how to encourage others and do their part. Thats what it means to be a team...Together Everyone Achieves More! So in my opinion, this philosophy implies if a teen has a job, it doesnt matter how they perform it, no one can take their job because its theirs? I dont believe teaching a child to share is teaching them theyre owed everything they see, but rather that things dont always matter; relationships and people do. Learning to share teaches you skills for dealing with others, how to seek help or advice, how to handle a negative situation, all things that are beneficial to becoming a successful employee and person in society. I believe to get a raise not only do you have to show up, but you must be a leader, take extra classes or training, seek advice and mentorship, work well with others, compromise, go above and beyond etc. to maintain your position or be promoted. And you know what? Even doing all those things doesnt always get you a promotion, but thats something the person NOT receiving the shared item learns, NOT the child that isnt sharing or doesnt think to ask someone to share. This disappointment can more accurately be taught with chores that are responsibility (not always paid), not getting to always go/do everything they want, playing sports and not always getting a trophy, being excited for a siblings birthday even though it is NOT their turn to receive presents and hey if your family shares? This is even easier because you can learn sometimes others dont pull their weight on chores and you have to make up for them (maybe not fair but lifes not fair...ask the boss that has to come in to work because another employee didnt show up), that you really wanted to go to the birthday party this weekend but your family is spending time together, that your team worked really hard but did not earn the championship (if you think Im too harsh, give a ribbon at least at older ages and not trophies. They lose their value when everyone gets them for participating each year), and that minus of few inappropriate birthday presents (based on value or age) that the birthday presents their sibling receives will be shared with them (so they dont need their own gift when its not their birthday) because that child cannot play with all the gifts at once. Obviously Ive been thinking about this a lot. I agree with several concepts in this article, but I believe they are the results of teaching your children they are not entitled to everything, not teaching them not to share. Do I think I have all the answers? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Are my kids perfect? No, but I wanted to SHARE my view, and if you have any great advice or tips, Id love you to SHARE them with me because it takes a village to raise a child!
Posted on: Mon, 09 Jun 2014 14:30:12 +0000
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