This is Anns husband, Bob again. I posted this on my FB page, but am posting here, as well.... Friends, I see so many wonderful tributes to Ann and comments about her; people telling how special she was, how she touched their lives, brightened the world. These testaments feel so heartfelt, and I know they are, even from people who may have met her only once for a photo shoot. I feel like I should chime in somehow and be posting things about her, about special moments from our almost thirty years together. But, you see, this wonderfulness you all are highlighting was my everyday existence for nearly thirty years. This was just the way it was. I cant summon up certain special memories to post, because they all were special. What I want to say wont come out fully or just right, I know. Im sure as soon as I post this, Ill wish Id included something else, omitted something, or said something differently. Maybe Ill talk too much about me or not enough about her. I dont know where this will go so forgive me if it is a rambling mess. It is what it is...whatever that is. Right now, all that my life feels like is the absence of Ann. Sadness, anguish, confusion, anger, probably some hate and other unnameable emotions rushed in to fill that void when she left me...when she was taken. She didnt leave. She was taken forcibly...by medical incompetence, I believe; but thats not what I want to talk about. For those who dont know, I will just tell you that I took her to the ER on Christmas morning, she was admitted to the hospital and, while there, she went into cardiac arrest twice. The first time they were able to resuscitate her and take her to ICU, but they were unable to bring her back when she had a second heart attack a few minutes later. All I can say is it was the most horrifying and traumatic thing that can never be erased from my memory. To some, who dont know me well, what I say here will probably sound like so much drama or attention-seeking or something, but really, it doesnt even come close to expressing how utterly destroyed I am. She was what my life was about. She was all that I needed; she was the ONLY thing I needed. I am very much an introvert, as many of you are aware; not much of a socializer. I pretty much just always wanted to be at home with my wife. There was no better venue, no better clientele. Some might not believe that kind of thing is real; that Im exaggerating or aggrandizing our relationship, but I am not. Many people have said over the years that they envied the relationship Ann and I shared..and it wasnt for nothing. People often use the word soul-mates to describe such relationships. I dont know what a soul-mate is, but Im sure we embodied what its supposed to mean. I dont think you always (or maybe, ever) find your soul-mate; you both actively participate in making that kind of relationship or allowing it to happen. It results in truly unconditional love for each other, in always having the other persons needs and happiness come before your own. You dont try to do this; you simply cant help it. Anyway, thats just my off-the-cuff thoughts on a complex subject. No ones life is all cookies and rainbows, happiness and fun and good times; but as far as our relationship went, it was pretty close. We almost never fought, if you could even call it that. Disagreements were about the extent of it and never, in all those years, did we actually yell at each other. Not once. Nothing negative between us ever lasted long and we made it a tacit point, I think, to never go to bed mad at each other. It just wasnt worth it. Even when I knew I was right in a disagreement, I always gave in. It just wasnt worth it to be mad at each other. It was easy to let go of winning. Really, her happiness was my winning. I dont think there was a single day, since the day Ann and I met that we didnt talk. If we were apart, which was not often, we talked on the phone or, more recently, at least sent text messages. She or I might go off for a weekend with a friend, and we could hardly wait to get back home to each other even though we were having a good time. It was this way from way back when we were first dating and everything was still new and all through our lives up to the last time. I guess, up until the second to the last time...because the last time was just this past Christmas and I am left with that feeling of hardly being able to wait for her to get back home, and that feeling will never be relieved. I dont think there was a single day where we didnt make each other laugh many times (until recently, when everything went to shit and there was little to find humor in). If I said something particularly humorous, she would often loudly squeal, Bob is very funny! I dont even know where she came up with that, but it became an oft repeated line and I was always glad I was able to make her laugh. In fact, after our first date, she said she laughed so much that her face hurt and how could she not go on another date. I wish she was here now to laugh again. I dont think there was a single day, since the day I first told her I loved her, that I didnt tell her again and again that I loved her. This is really how it was. And Im still saying I love you in an empty house and wishing it would magically bring her back. We hugged every single day. We kissed every single day. I know when someone says always or every single day it is usually not an accurate reflection of reality, but what I am saying here is as close to actual fact as you can get. Im a strange mixture of realist and idealist, optimist and pessimist. I have always said, I am an optimistic pessimist because I pretty much always thought life sucked right now, but it would get better...now, Im not so sure. Ann and I, at the times when it seemed like life particularly sucked, would turn to each other and say, Youre the only good thing. We always found solace in that. Now, everything is a reminder of her; some good reminders, some almost neutral, and others bad. Remember happy times in the past, remind me they will never happen again. As Im cleaning up around the house, every time I find a wrinkled tissue that she had tossed aside as she was crying due to her pain, I another one for myself. Ann loved Christmas. She loved getting things and she loved giving things, especially from and to me. Now, I look at these things I had just given to her for Christmas, that she will never get to use or wear, and my heart is crushed again. She loved everything I gave her, she was happy about it all, and I loved everything she gave me...and this tears me apart. When I think of the future, I am reminded that it will be one that wont include Ann. There were so many things we were planning to do, once she was feeling better. Its heartbreaking. Even though my rational mind knows Ann is gone and will never come back, I cant stop wanting that; I cant stop wanting the impossible even though I know it is impossible. And I cant say goodbye, because shes not going anywhere. Shell always been right here in my heart. The love and support so many of you have shown me throughout this incredibly horrible time helps immensely. Im rather dumbfounded by it and I just dont know how to respond. Ive been trying to keep up on my Facebook page and Anns, email and texts; but I know I will miss some things...some things I will mean to respond to, but will lose track of...just know I appreciate everything and every one of you. And Im sorry for those of you who also lost Ann. So please forgive me if anything above sounds dumb or overly emotional. It is my unpolished dump of thoughts and feelings around the death of my true love, my best friend, my darling wife, Ann. I love her and miss her so much... Peace to you all.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Dec 2014 20:04:48 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015