This is what came from my 2am wake up call when God told me to write. How do you tell someone that their life will never be the same? That every happy occasion will now also be greeted with sadness and an overbearing gray cloud that seems to want to do nothing but suffocate any possible glimpse of joy. How do you say that even after time has passed- it can still feel as if it were yesterday and you continue to question whether this life will ever be worth the pain and suffering you endure every waking day? How do you explain the love of Christ when it seems He has dealt you the worst hand in life? How do you tell them that the only hope to cling to is the one responsible for this plan that He calls hope and prosperity? How do you explain that even after four years of grieving- sometimes the only “blessing on the other side” is the fact that you’ve chosen to get out of bed that day- and that you’ve chosen to take one more breath of this life? How do you tell someone that no matter how much you’ve healed, in a moment you can see that one tiny glimpse of your past and it makes you want to fall to the ground and never get up? Whether it is sweet grandparents that you now are painfully reminded of your children never having, or a straw purse you just know your mom would have loved. How do you tell them that life is worth living when you question it yourself? There are not enough scriptures, song lyrics, poems, encouragements or words in a book to heal that deep, painful and at times unbearable pain you wish would just go away. That the only person you can run to is one who is in fact invisible and in a way “responsible” for this plan that “He has for you declares the Lord.” When the only thing you want to declare is how wrong it is to have someone live with so much hurt and somehow they are also expected to praise the name of the one who now gets to spend that time you’ll never get again, with the ones you miss the most. That your wedding day- the happiest day in your life- will also linger with a missing piece of your heart and no one to walk you down the aisle or zip up your beautiful dress that she never even got to see. That sometimes you so badly want to form into words the pain you are feeling- yet the pain is so deep that there literally are no words invented for something such as this. That literally what you are feeling is nameless… that after a while “it’s not fair” means nothing and “I’m praying for you” momentarily leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. That you now have to refer to them in past tense- and catching yourself using present stings worse than the pain deep in your aching heart. But more importantly- how do you look in those tear filled eyes and explain that it really is going to be okay. That as hard as it is to gasp for that next breath of air in the midst of your soul shaking cries, it will all one day stop and you’ll forget the last time you cried. That somehow the world keeps spinning and soon you’ll catch up with the rest- living with the ones you never thought you could live without.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Jun 2013 17:32:48 +0000
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