This may be an awkward step, but I feel it necessary for my recovery. Ever since my fathers suicide the normally unbalanced but lovable loony I was slipped into a place of screaming hyper-focused reality. Conspiracy, confusion and unwarranted anger were cast at my self and my friends and associates. I destroyed many of my relationships. I felt as if my face was pressed to microscopic glass, overwhelmed with details and no ability to perceive the whole as anything but hypersonic disaster. this combined with mico- seizures that would not abate. Finally seeking treatment felt like a failure, a surrender, and embarrassment to an ego that no longer had any fuel to progress. The diagnosis was also somehow shameful. Bi polar type II. I was terrified of the treatment as well, feeling that the whacko was the only aspect of my person that people could tolerate, finding myself too loathsome to comprehend. After a month of treatment and medication, the micro- seizures have significantly lessened. I feel more like the person I was, and wanted to be. I do however find my self in the wake of damages caused by my actions. Part of this recovery comes with the realization that much of what was lost is gone forever, and those that I hurt have no reason to reestablish a connection. I hope for another chance with those that valued my company before I lost my mind.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Dec 2014 20:02:02 +0000
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