Thoughts About Psychopaths, Survivors And Change One of the things that survivors worry about most when first out of the relationship with the psychopath, is his ability to change with someone else. Interestingly, almost every single psychopath, narcissist or sociopath, moved on rapidly and into another relationship. If not immediately, very soon thereafter. We tend to project our own empathy onto a psychopath who is incapable of this (this does include narcissists and sociopaths too), and so when he’s off in another relationship, our imaginations run wild with what he’s ‘feeling’ about the new victim as well as ruminating about the beginning of our own relationship with him. No WONDER we’re such a mess, right? But he is doing to the new victim, precisely what he did to you. The only difference is that the new victim will not be just like you, so he will have to put on a new mask for her, and mirror her characterisitics, likes, dislikes, etc. We already know this so let’s address the subject of ‘change’ and what that looks like, comparatively, with your own real change and his pseudo change. Change can be terrifying. We are creatures of habit and there is a sense of stability with what we have learned and what we can count on in our lives. Even if it isn’t necessarily good for us. Changes that are positive can also be very scary at first because it’s new to us and we know the undertaking will be extremely challenging. When a relationship with a psychopath is over, if we are to move forward in recovery, this means we have to do a lot of work on ourselves to make sure something like this never happens again. If you’re a bit down the road in your recovery, in retrospect, how difficult have your own efforts at change been? That’s what I thought! Looking at the reality of what genuine and true change means, we simply need to look at our own recovery process to know the psychopath has not changed in the slightest. A genuine and real change is not consistent with someone else as the reason changes are made. For a psychopath, it’s extremely superficial. He isn’t changing his behaviors or attitudes, he is merely changing a persona. He is a predator, a chameleon. You’re not. Think about it. If you were in a relationship right away after the psychopath, would it be this new person that is the catalyst for all the changes you need to make within? Are you suddenly a ‘new person’ because of someone else? Or did we visit this already in fantasy with the psychopath? You are the only one who can make the real changes you need to make, and because we are accustomed to familiar behaviors and habits, it will take a long, long time to discern what you need to change and how you’re going to implement that into your recovery. Do you really think the psychopath is doing that with another victim? We are so quick to believe the images that we see of him with the new victim. A psychopath’s ‘change’ is built on his ability to deceive. Images are extremely deceptive, but we believe them readily. The psychopath is an asshat, always. Just because he is in another relationship does not mean he takes that hat off. EVER. He may have painted it a different color, but there is still an ass underneath it! It has taken me nearly three years just to get to this point with a long, long way to go. I’ve done it all the way without a man to butter my popcorn. When we decide to make real and genuine changes, it is often needs to be done alone. It isn’t always the case, as some survivors are caught up with a psychopath outside of an existing relationship, but for the most part, if we are single when the psychopath is gone, we tend to stay that way for awhile. Having as few distractions as possible without adding new romantic relationships is very important so we can focus on ourselves and our recovery. It is a tremendous amount of time and work. So, in reviewing what you’ve done in your recovery work and how long it has taken and in giving consideration to your own challenges with change, does it make a difference in your perspective about HIS ability to change? With as destructive as the psychopath is,and as abusive, how long do you think he would ‘need’ in a recovery program to change his own behavior if that was possible? Abuse is addictive to a psychopath. He enjoys it. Change for a disordered one, would mean giving up the very thing they need to survive: hurting people. It’s another reason they move on so fast. Their addiction to causing harm to others, means they need another ‘host’ to feed off of very quickly. He hasn’t changed at all, and the new victim will be just where you are someday. The only ‘change’ that will happen for her, that may or may not be different from yours, is how long she puts up with his abuse, but his inability to change is not in question. He can’t, period. Focus on you and your recovery and your own effort at change. Onward and upward.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Aug 2013 03:25:01 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015