Three HaPence a Foot Ill tell thee an old-fashioned story That grandfather used to relate, Of a builder and joining contractor Whose name it were Sam Oswaldthwaite. In a shop on the banks of the Irwell There Sam used to follow his trade, In a place youll happen have heard of, called Bury - You know, where black puddings is made. One day Sam were filling a knot hole With putty, when in through the door, Came an old man, fair wreathed wi whiskers An thold man said: Good morning. Im Noah. Sam asked Noah what were his business And told chap went on to remark, That not liking the look of the weather, He were thinking of building an ark. Hed got all the wood for the bulwarks And all tother shipbuilding junk, Now he wanted some nice birds-eye maple To panel the sides of his bunk. Now maple were Sams mon-o-po-ly That means it were all his to cut - And nobody else hadnt got none So he axed Noah three hapence a foot. An hapenny too much, replied Noah. A penny a foots more the mark - A penny a foot, and when rain comes Ill give thee a ride in my ark. But neither would budge in the bargain: The whole thing were kind of a jam, So Sam put his tongue out at Noah And Noah made long bacon at Sam. In wrath and ill-feeling they parted Not knowing when theyd meet again, And Sam ad forgot all about it Til one day it started to rain. It rained and it rained for a fortnight It flooded the whole countryside, It rained and it still kept on raining Til thIrwell were fifty miles wide. The houses were soon under water And folks to the roof had to climb, They said twere the rottenest summer As Bury had had for some time. The rain showed no sign of abating And water rose hour by hour, Til thonly dry land were at Blackpool, and that were on top of th Tower. So Sam started swimming for Blackpool - It took him best part of a week, His clothes were wet through when he got there, And his boots were beginning to leak. He stood to his watch-chains in water On tower-top just before dark, When who should come sailing towards him But old Noah steering his ark. They stared at each other in silence Til ark were alongside all but, Then Noah said: What price your maple? Sam answered: Three hapence a foot. Noah said: Nay, lad, Ill make thee an offer Same as I did tother day: A penny a foot, and a free ride Now come on, lad - what do thee say? Three hapence a foot, came the answer So Noah his sail had to hoist, And sail off again in a dudgeon, While Sam stood determined (but moist). So Noah cruised around flying his pigeons Til fortieth day of the wet, And on his way home, passing Blackpool, He saw old Sam standing there yet. His chin just stuck out of the water A comical figure he cut, Noah said: Now, lad, whats the price of your maple? And Sam answered: Three hapence a foot. Said Noah: Theed best take my offer, For its last time Ill be hereabout - And if water comes half an inch higher, Ill happen get maple for nowt. Three hapence a foot itll cost thee, And as for me, Sam says, dont thee fret - Skys took a turn since this morning - I think itll brighten up yet. Nay, lad, thourt wrong, said old Noah, Itll rain a lot more, Ill be bound. So come on lad, sell us your maple. Bugger off! said Sam (and then drowned). (Stanley Holloway)
Posted on: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 13:00:26 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015