Title: Self-defense Against Fresh Fruit From: Monty Pythons Flying Circus Transcribed By: Jonathan Partington ( [email protected] ) Colonel (Graham Chapman): get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major! Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout): Right sir! Good evening, class. All (mumbling): Good evening. Sargeant: Wheres all the others, then? All: Theyre not here. Sgt.: I can see that. Whats the matter with them? All: Dunno. Chapman (member of class): Perhaps theyve got flu. Sgt.: Huh! Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit. (Grumbles from all) Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldnt do fruit this week. Sgt.: What do you mean? Jones: Weve done fruit the last nine weeks. Sgt.: Whats wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? Palin: Cant we do something else? Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick? Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well Ill tell you something my lad. When youre walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, dont come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit... All: We done the passion fruit. Sgt.: What? Chapman: We done the passion fruit. Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit... Jones: Whole and segments. Palin: Pomegranates, greengages... Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit... Palin: Lemons... Jones: Plums... Chapman: Mangoes in syrup... Sgt.: How about cherries? All: We did them. Sgt.: Red *and* black? All: Yes! Sgt.: All right, bananas. (All sigh.) Sgt.: We havent done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, its quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him elpless. Palin: Suppose hes got a bunch. Sgt.: Shut up. Idle: Suppose hes got a pointed stick. Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot. Chapman: Arrison. Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, thats it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.) Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.) Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.) Palin: You shot him! Jones: Hes dead! Idle: Hes completely dead! Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now elpless. Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead. Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana. Jones: But you told him to. Sgt.: Look, Im only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit. Idle: And pointed sticks. Sgt.: Shut up. Palin: Suppose Im attacked by a man with a banana and I havent got a gun? Sgt.: Run for it. Jones: You could stand and scream for help. Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe. Jones: A pineapple? Sgt.: Where? Where? Jones: No I just said: a pineapple. Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one. Jones: What, on the pineapple? Sgt.: Where? Where? Jones: No, I was just repeating it. Sgt.: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right thats bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. Armless looking thing, isnt it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach. Jones: Thompson. Sgt.: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it. Jones: No. Sgt.: Why not? Jones: Youll shoot me. Sgt.: I wont. Jones: You shot Mr. Harrison. Sgt.: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I wont shoot you. Idle: You promised youd tell us about pointed sticks. Sgt.: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell. Jones: Throw the gun away. Sgt.: I havent got a gun. Jones: You have. Sgt.: Havent. Jones: You shot Mr Arrison with it. Sgt.: Oh, that gun. Jones: Throw it away. Sgt.: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun. Jones: You were going to shoot me! Sgt.: I wasnt. Jones: You were! Sgt.: No, I wasnt, I wasnt. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed... (Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones) Jones: Aaagh. Sgt.: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him. Palin: Suppose there isnt a 16-ton weight? Sgt.: Well thats planning, isnt it? Forethought. Palin: Well how many 16-ton weights are there? Sgt.: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others! Idle: Like what? Sgt.: Shootin him? Palin: Well what if you havent got a gun or a 16-ton weight? Sgt.: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each. Palin: No guns. Sgt.: No. Palin: No 16-ton weights. Sgt.: No. Idle: No pointed sticks. Sgt.: Shut up. Palin: No rocks up in the ceiling. Sgt.: No. Palin: And you wont kill us. Sgt.: I wont. Palin: Promise. Sgt.: I promise I wont kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me? Palin & Idle: Oh, all right. Sgt.: Right, now dont rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. Ill turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when youre being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger! (He does so. Growls. Screams.) Sgt.: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know youre hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well Im ready for you. Ive wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move well all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. Thats it... (Explosion.)
Posted on: Sat, 01 Mar 2014 11:17:34 +0000
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