To quell the requests for how I am doing. I am mentally resilient and spiritually strong. This is a late night, cathartic rant that must be done before i can shut my eyes. A few weeks ago, I made an emergency trip ti visit my seriously ill grandmother. I had the chance to sit next to her, hold her hand, kiss her, hug her, talk with her, smile with her, and relfect on who she has been to me andnso many others throughout my life. I recently got the phone call that she passed away peacefully from natural causes in the home of her daughter with family surrounding her. It has hit me hard, but i knew it was inevitable. No one gets out of this world alive. I thought she would have died over a year ago due to her declining health. It was very clear she fought to live as long as possible because she was surrounded by the love and caring of family and friends that she cultivated through a life of divine and pure intention. I told her that every day is a gift and to use it well. She corrected me and told me that every minute, every second, every breath is a gift. She was right. As i began to say goodbye to her and head to the airport I knew that was to be the last time i would see my beloved grandmother, Clara, ever again. I broke down. I couldnt stay strong enough to hold my tears in. It was such an unnatural thing to walk tk the door. I wish i could have stayed longer. I respect the courage, fight, wisdom,.and dignity that she displayed in her final days. However, i prefer to remember the way that she lived. She raised an amazing family of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She faced many struggles with grace and perseverance throughout her life. She reaped the benefits of a close family, a family that chose to live as closely as possible to each other either physically or by genuine and constant connection. I know that she has been judged worthy in the afterlife and is reunited with her husband, my grandfather, and my father, John. I know the three are blissful and areall watching out for us. I can feel their presence. We are all blessed. Still the lose of her vessel is saddening, but i am comforted knowing that her spirit lives eternally happy in the courts of heaven. I have a lot of stress in my life now. Here is a short list: -Terminal colon cancer status, and I am already on borrowed time. Yet, i believed ia blessed as this gives me a power of voice to help others. -I have less time to spend with my wife, other family, friends, and dogs. Yet, I have gained and learned wisdom from my family and God on how to make every second, every breath matter because they are gifts not to be wasted. -I am being medically retired from the most dedicated job i have ever known, being an Army officer and leader of men. Yet, i am humble. I know a military leader musy be able to lead from the front. I can no longer deploy and lead my Soldiera with a sound body (cancer and its entourage of physical malladies) and with a sound mind (thanks to the buffet of prescription medications and forgetful chemo-brain). I feel her wisdom in knowing that this is the fair and moral choice as my Soldiers deserve better in those aspects. Yet, i know i am not broken, because i have inherited similar strenght and wisdom akin to her. -I have to figure out how to transition into being a 100% disabled veteran... which is a weird thing to grasp at the young age of 32 (despite having aged in dog years throughout my military service). In the meantime, i have to navigate the 7 seas of deep Army, Veterans Affairs, state laws, federal laws, social security, IRS, banking, estate planning, moving and logistics, real estate, transferring medical care, Tricare, Medicare, finding new networks if local friends, losing local networks of friends, changing outdoorsman clubs, etcetera ad nausea. This must all happen in a short time frame in an nostalgiac, stubborn, and forgetful mind. Yet, grandmas spirit will direct me with this simpme phrase she lived by: family first. These tasks will happen without ease, but i will be granted the strength by god and my Angels (you too, Ben) to knock this out and ensure my #1 priority is taken care of, my wife (who has and continues to be my greatest blessing... she gives and has endured intangibly for my behalf). -I have more treatments and they get harder each time. My meds increase continuously. My health does not improve, but gets worse. I will fight to I leave. I do intend to beat the bell-curve of statistics in this trial. That being said, I am at peace and ready at any moment. One foot in front of the other, but i will not hang my head to feel bad for myself while staring at my boots. I will F.I.D.O! (F&!= it, drive on!) -I have a mission to accomplish. It felt that God gave it to me in May 2012, when i discovered cancer. It took me until the fall of 2013 to realize what it was. Over 22 of my fellow Veterans kill themselves a day. Thay is over 8000 a year (more than those US troops killed in action in the longest period of war in US history started on 9/11/2001). It has not been easy and i have dedicated every free moment and drop of energy that i could have reasonably given. I will continue to do so. How does this play out? For example, I have am supposed to lecture a class of BU students on PTSD and violence on the 30th. Not to mention the national news broadcast i have to do this coming Saturday. I have a charity shooting competition for Carry the Fallen on Nov 1st. I have more chemo Nov 3rd-Nov 5th. I have national news interviews for the charity while i am in the hospital getting chemo. I will be too weak on Nov 6th, so i will be withdrawing from an earned slot in the Nov 6th IDPA pistol national championship. The 6th is supposed to be the same day as my grandmothers memorial service a days travel away. I have to do last minute planning and support on Nov 7th for Carry the Fallens biggest ruckmarch event ever as friends and supporters trickle in to attend. On Nov 8th i will have a 16 hour day on nearly zero sleep to ruck a few miles (as many as i can do) and help command, control and support the same ruck. Further, i will be interviewing and coordinating footage& interviews of the ruck and ruckers between two national news networks that same day. Only to get up and be at a studio at 7am on Nov 9th for another national news interview. This is stressful. Yet, i chose this. I accepted to do what i believe God tasked me to do. I will take in this trial. I have seen the positive signs of this work and know this must be done. I learned my grandmother was very proud of my mission. The family and her will understand that i am staying the course of this mission, as they believe in it and know it will helo others. I feel horrible inside making that call, but feel it is the right choice. I know grandmother will be watching over me the whole way. I love her. She has always and will always love me (even when i stole strawberries and fresh green beans from her garden as a kid). -i get constant calls and messages of urgency from people in very dark places or just need a little bump of help. It feels good to help. I know it has made a difference. I havent lost a single one yet. My phone rings 24/7 to a listening ear 706-536-6146 ... please do not abuse. -there are more stresses. I balance them. Living a life to try to love my family, friends? Neighbors, brothers and sisters-in-arms, etc had proven to be life saving, rewarding, and full of purpose and satisfaction. I wish i had discovered this sooner in my life. I have lived a life far from perfection, but feel better about the course it has taken in conjunction with my terminus. -so in short, i am good. Thank you. Now you know a little more about what runs in my head... but i am a weird person. Often neurotic and conflicted. Frustrated but driven. I am often happy, but have no shame admitting that both the good and the bad of life runs over me like a wave. I cry from happiness more often tha sadness. Almost daily. I know it is healthy to embrace life in a genuine fashion as strongly as you can. It matters. Take care if yourselves, and you can find out to take care of others. If you need help then ask. If someone needs help then give it. Grandma Clara showed me something. She left this world infinitely better than the state she came into it by her actions and love. We should all endeavor to do such. I can pay no higher compliment to anyone. To close my rant a proverb: I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. I ask not for an easier path, but for stronger feet. I ask not for weaker enemies, but for a stronger self I love you grandmother. I love you and will see you soon, but not until i have given the fight to live as long as possible. You have shown me how to harness strength and spirit, every second, every breath.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 09:40:43 +0000
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