Today is my anniversary and although I am no longer married, like my birthday and the birth of my children, the date will forever be embedded in my head and in some ways stamped indelibly on my heart. My now ex-husband and I are divorced, the actual anniversary feels different, but I’m not sure why and in what way. How do you celebrate what is no longer, but still is? In reflection, our anniversaries were not bad but never highly celebrated or memorable. But still, now that “we” are no more, again the day seems very different, oddly different. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve thought about this day and wondered how would I feel once the day arrived. Would I even remember and what do you do on the day? Do you now celebrate that you no longer celebrate? Do you tell people, “today is my anniversary” or “would have been” your seventh anniversary? Simply, being divorced is strange, really strange. It seems no matter how functional or dysfunctional your union and life was that ultimately led to the point of dissolving, it still remains a part of you and the stain and stench of what is no more continues to linger, well after the point of you being okay. I guess some would have a “divorce” or “look at the new me” party — or maybe that’s just on television. But I’m so emotionally drained and working to get my fabulousness back that the thought of planning something extra, seems extra. Besides, I believe in marriage, I believed in my marriage, and I just want it to all to finally settle. I have no interest in making a mockery of a part of my life that was sacred or celebrating something that I cherished that no longer is. I sometimes wish I was that kind of woman, but I’m not. I think about this day, but I really don’t know what to do or what not to do with myself on this day. I don’t want to reflect on what was, wasn’t or could have been. My tears have dried up and I don’t have the energy to write a facetious letter, I’m beyond that, finally. A small part of me wonders if he even remembers and if he does, what are his thoughts? Even though I don’t “really” care what his thoughts are, a small part of me just wonders if he remembers that this is the day we took our vows. We all know that the “firsts” of anything are always the hardest part to get through, but I do wonder if, and when I will stop counting what no longer exists. As the day passes and I do whatever I do and think whatever I think, I know that I’ll be okay, because in the words of Scarlett O’Hara, “After all... tomorrow is another day,” so with that in mind, “Happy Anniversary to me.” Just Me.
Posted on: Sun, 11 Jan 2015 13:29:29 +0000
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