Today marks three years since I first sat in my doctors office to learn that I had cancer. I knew that my life would be changed forever, but at that time I couldnt even fathom to what extent. I try to remain positive, and Im certainly grateful for every day that Im alive, but this time of year elicits an uncontrollable panic. I thought I would share what its like to be a survivor, that once treatment ends suffering still lingers. I still think about relapsing every day. Averaging twice per hour. This doesnt stop when I sleep. I have suffocating nightmares that often leave me awake in the middle of the night, staring at the clock. I have to consider the probability of relapse in every plan that I make, person I let in, and door that I close. A day in my life almost always consists of pain, nausea, and a debilitating amount of fatigue. I go back and forth between being amazed at all my body has been through, and resenting the fact that I can no longer trust it. I have to mask my anxiety at every cough, fever, itch, and drop of sweat. My thoughts are no longer focused on Friday night plans, future babies, or what Ill do when Im retired. My only goal is to make it through the day. And then tomorrow, and the next day. To enjoy what it is that I can be sure of, because the truth is, you never really know. None of us do. #realcancerawareness
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 17:23:11 +0000
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