Today was the hardest day of my life. I cannot express how painful my days have been with my mom dying of a heart attack just nearly 45 days ago and Mark Mcgahee not coming home last night only to find out that he was found in his car ...deceased (was the word they used. How proper of them.) My only regret is that I was hard on him. I wanted so much more for our family but it was by NO MEANS his fault for how we ended up. We struggled but there was so much love there. I dont care what a piece of paper said. He called me his wife and he was MY MARK. Halen called Mark Nomad since the day he could talk. No matter the name, Mark was exactly the person he wanted to be. You couldnt make Mark do something if he didnt want to do it. You couldnt stop him from doing something either. He always said we were soul mates and by studying numerology, every single number pointed to that very phrase soul mates. He was right. Recently, Mark had not been feeling well. He went in for blood work after several weeks (at least) of vomitting every single morning, headaches, drastic weight loss, and no energy. We started to separate a little instead of coming closer. Things didnt seem as important to him anymore and recently instead of being #1 in his life, I felt like I was second to something. I couldnt figure it out. We had conversations about it being another woman. The 3 nights before he died he had a very bad cough in the middle of the night. He took Nyquil to get rid of it and it didnt help. It was a persistent cough. The day before he died he came home from work with a bad migraine (and I am still uncertain that he actually went to work because his HHR was seen at the same spot by a family member at 10am that morning when he should have been at work). Mark commonly had these headaches throughout our 10 years together and I just thought it was another episode. Yesterday he dropped Lincoln off at Lauras and told her that he should be back around lunchtime unless he wasnt feeling well then he might work slower and be at his regular time around 2:30. He never came to pick Linc up. By the time Linc and I got home last night it was after 9. It was so strange to me that nothing had been moved. It was exactly how I left it in the morning which was so strange because Mark ALWAYS straightened up after me. If I left my robe on the bed he would put it up. If I left the curling iron on the counter to cool he would have it wrapped up and under the sink. Mark and I were struggling the past couple weeks and I wondered if maybe he just finally...left. It doesnt matter what we went through. We loved each other. Up until these last few months, wherever I was - Mark was too and vice versa. We started to grow apart when my mom died and before that when my brother got in trouble. Instead of holding on to each other we started letting go. Whatever it was, there was something he wasnt telling me. Why would I feel second to anything? He has been the love of my life since the moment I heard his voice over that pay phone when my car broke down in Georgia. I knew the SECOND I heard his voice I loved him. I hadnt even met him yet. What happened? Where has he been? Why didnt he try harder to keep this last job? They found him in his car with his seat laid back, his hat on the dash (which tells me his head hurt becausehe NEVER took his hat off) and his hands sitting in his lap. To me, it doesnt sound like he struggled. To me he took a nap. Was he not going to work? Was he sick like the night before with a migraine and vomiting like he did when he and Linc went to Dollar General the night before to get Excedrin? The coroner has not found a cause of death. There are no signs of any acute symptoms like a heart attack or stroke. No lung damage or tumors. The toxicology report is yet to come back. There were NO signs of anything harmful in his car besides a pack of cigarettes that only a couple were taken out of the pack. What happened to My Mark? Why cant he wrap his arms around me while I type this post and cry for the 1000th time today? Is he with my dad and my mom and my Bomba and my Grandma Bates? Can he see me now? Can he see how much I hurt and how much I love him even when I didnt say it yesterday morning when he came in to say goodbye and I love you like he did every single morning ... no matter what happened the night before. I am so stubborn. I am so stupid. And now, because I am the ex I cant get information and do not have ANY sayso in the funeral arrangements. I have to just sit back and wait while his family fights it out and all I want to know is where I need to be so my boys can say good bye. Is it here? Is it Georgia? I am not here to complicate things. I know his wishes but it is not up to me. This entire family hurts. Our sons do NOT have family. They have my brother and sister. The last thing I want is to be separated from the family because I am the ex. My boys need them. So I will sit back and wait... just to see where we fit in and if we dont ... thats ok too. No matter what, NO ONE can say that we didnt love each other. I would give anything to have my baby back. I am contemplating a trip to Georgia regardless of what the family is doing right now. My boys and I need time together... and maybe a road trip is the best thing. Halen was born in Georgia and Lincoln talks about Uncle Huey and Mary Jane ALL THE TIME and the jackass Marley. I feel like if we dont go now things are going to get bad and I will either be put in the middle of the family mess and be forced to pick sides and that will only result in unhappy family and maybe no more trips to Georgia at all. Death always brings out this in families and Mark wouldnt want this at all. To me, Marks wishes or not, I cannot say anything except just tell me where I need to be and I will be there. Mark wanted to be in two places... Indiana with me and his boys and at a particular cemetery in Georgia. There is only one way to do that. I havent slept in days since I have been battling Marks cough with him and now all this. I need to sleep but I dont want to sleep alone. Lincoln is with Kandye and I thought that was a good idea but at least him in my bed last night was not so lonely. Me an Mark always said that Lincoln was something special.... we knew Lincoln was going to teach us a lesson in our life together or just...something. ... maybe he was our LINC to keep us together.... always. I had no idea he was just going to a reminder... a combination of the two of us that only I could hold on to. WHAT THE HECK IS GODS PLAN? REALLY? THIS IS AWFUL. ENOUGH random thoughts... Please tell me its going to get easier.
Posted on: Sun, 06 Apr 2014 04:10:22 +0000
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